Join Date: Feb 2011
| | Hubby is trying to bring a woman back into our lives who has caused problems before
Hi, I'm new to the forums, I found them looking for advice about my situation. Here is a little background. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 7 years. We met when I was 16, and he was 18. Now, almost 7 years later, we have a house, two dogs, and two kids. In the past, before we had children, my hubby had a best friend, she is a lesbian. The first few years with her being apart of our lives were fine, but then the problems started. She had no date from prom, and couldn't go with her "girlfriend", so hubby asked if he could go with her, I said yes, of course. It was his best friend afterall (I know, this is years back, but this is where is started). In return, he had no money to go to my prom, so I was very upset that I missed prom in highschool, because he decided to go with someone else. That night he said he was sleeping over her house (his friend). Ended up they stayed at another girls house with lots of drinking and tons of girls (she is a lesbian, but NONE of her friends are). I got over that. Tried again, she began disrespecting me, such as trying to get him to cheat on me (if he did, I obviously wouldn't blame her, it's ultimately his decision). Anyway, when I was 17 we broke up for almost a month because of her. In that time, he slept with her best friend, because she thought it would help him get over me. Again, I let that go and we got back together. About a year later things were going really well because she stopped coming around, so we bought a house when I was 18. She started coming around again, we were all in the same college, so she basically moved in, so we could all go to school together.
This is when things started getting out of hand. Her and hubby started leaving me out of everything, totally ignoring me when I was talking. We would have bonfires at night in our backyard, and she would say things like "Remember that one time we took a shower together", or "remember prom when we got into trouble for grinding on each other (boy does this sound stupid but these things did bother me so I'm being honest)". Even one time, my hubby, her and their friend kept kissing all night. I was so uncomfortable, and finally said 'Can you guys stop doing that, it's very disrespectful'. The three of them explained to me how they were like siblings..my responce was, I don't make out with my siblings so that makes no sense.
She is out of our life again...she comes back a few months later. After a few days, we were all sitting on my back deck, and she looks at Joe very seriously while I'm sitting there "It looks like you and Christie are very serious. I was wondering, in the future, would you be willing to donate sperm to me if I decide to have a baby" My mouth just dropped, I just went in the house. I came out about 15 minutes later, and she goes "Joe remember when we were little we promised each other we'd get married, can we still get married?" (Notice she is only saying these things when I'm around (that I know of) trying to hurt me or get under my skin. She then asks if Joe could go to the bar with her, I say no, and I'm totally in the wrong.
Anyway, hubby and I have been having problems finacially lately, causing there to be some major tension in our relationship. He even decided to leave for a week when my daughter was born and stay with his mother, another week about a month later, and this month it was 4 days. Well, i decide to check his facebook, since he's had a password on it for months (I seen him type his password in). When I get on, I notice he deleted all of his 'inbox messages", although I know I've sent him some in the past. I realize that maybe he gets email notifications stating that he has recieved an inbox message. I was right..He tried to delete most of the email notifications, but forgot one. It was with her, just asking about family, nothing to be too concerned about (this is also about 3 years later, she has never met, or asked about the kids, although she did have access to ask him).
I say to him "Would you ever try to hide something from me, or be dishonest", he says "No, never, why?" and I said Well you were just dishonest in saying that'. He kept pretending he didn't know what I was talking of. So I finally told him after giving him multiple chances to admit he was speaking to her again, and hiding his tracks. (Now, I will say thing, I do NOT check his personal things often, our last fight, he mentioned "finding someone else" so I was very suspicious)
He admits he has been talking to her for about a month now. Totally behind my back, not talking to me beforehand to see if I was okay with him bringing her back into his life, or my children's lives.
I ended up asking him, what would you do, if I said I wasn't comfortable with it, since she has put so much stress on our relationship in the past, didn't even CARE to congratulate us on the kids, never was concerned with seeing them in the past" He basically in short said that, she is his best friend, and regardless of what I say he is going to talk to her. He said it can be behind my back or I can know about it.
basically, I was testing his commitment towards me, to see if he'd sacrifice her for me. I was guessing he'd say "of course i would' but it didn't go that way. i'm really upset, not about her the most, but the fact that he hid it from me, and is willing to allow me to choose to end our relationship if it means he can still be friends with her. I called it 'Choosing her as the more important relationship over me'. He said 'I'll have my cake and eat it too, and if you decide to leave there is nothing i can do about it" (which I wasn't decided to but this is what it came down too.
I don't know if i should go, or what. I'm really hurt that he puts nothing into our relationship emotionally. I feel like we're roommates most of the time. If i start to talk about something serious, he gets the meanest look on his face so I stop. I have two kids, I don't work (I do photography but am dead in the winter), I have no savings, and no where to go (I never expected to even have to worry about these things, I thought we were in a committed relationship.
Anyway this is getting way longer than i wanted. i hope someone has some advice for me =)