We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

Haven't done that in awhile, but it's true!

We did "part B" of the "frustration dialogue" we started at MC yesterday:
one person, the "frustrated one," tells the other about their frustration and requests "behavior changes" from the other.
H was the one making the requests of me.

I ain't gonna lie, it was NOT easy to keep from feeling defensive because I definitely have a valid pov on the topic he had brought up.
But I followed the structure of the dialogue---his turn to send, my turn to listen...that's important in these points of disagreement, so it doesn't become an argument.
And it ended with him actually in tears telling me he loves and appreciates me.
He felt heard and respected, and I feel good that he was willing to open up and talk about something, and apply our MC "strategies" at home...and I feel secure knowing there will be a similar opportunity for me to have a dialogue and be heard too, at some point.

We're not in shangri-la yet, we're still deep in the woods...but we can see a way out, and we may even be heading in the same direction.
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

That is wonderful! I'm rooting for y'all!
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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That is wonderful! I'm rooting for y'all!
I know you are, mm. Thank you
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

ahhh!! I am jumping up and down right now!! Well, I am in my mind because I can't jump and type at the same time!!!
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

Credam,

When the other one feels that we are doing something which hurts, the more we defend ourselves, the more we offend them, it doesn't help us solve our problems.

You did a wonderful thing by listening to him, just listening to him, let him say what's in his mind, and you have a very understanding attitude, it will really help the other one open up and share what's in his mind. Only by knowing what's in his mind, you will be able to understand him.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

It wasn't easy because I did feel a bit misunderstood by him.

BUT: this was my turn to try and understand him. I'll have my turn.

Listening to him and showing that I want to do that, hopefully will open the way for understanding to be MUTUAL.
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Old 02-11-2011, 12:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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once you dont feel like you are being attacked all the time you will not have the need to defend at every turn.
yup. Trying to set a different tone.

I love how supportive you all are!!
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Old 02-11-2011, 12:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

Woot!
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Old 02-11-2011, 12:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

I am not sure I understand this communication.

He tells you he wants something from you. You just listen to what he says.

A few times you mentioned that it was tough on you because he 'misunderstood' you. That you had a valid POV that you didn't bring up.

So are you going to comply with his request or are you stuck on your POV and the fact that he misunderstands you?

I can see this being worse in the long run. He tells you how important something is to him and he feels you listening to him and he ends up emotional because he was heard. If you still hold resentment and are not going to meet his request then now it is worse. Before he didn't think you heard him. Now he knows you heard him, but you don't care.
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Old 02-11-2011, 12:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I am not sure I understand this communication.

He tells you he wants something from you. You just listen to what he says.

A few times you mentioned that it was tough on you because he 'misunderstood' you. That you had a valid POV that you didn't bring up.

So are you going to comply with his request or are you stuck on your POV and the fact that he misunderstands you?

I can see this being worse in the long run. He tells you how important something is to him and he feels you listening to him and he ends up emotional because he was heard. If you still hold resentment and are not going to meet his request then now it is worse. Before he didn't think you heard him. Now he knows you heard him, but you don't care.
I "don't care"?? Never have falser words been spoken about my relationship.
He knows I care. No question.

I never said I wouldn't comply with his request. Not once.

Just because it's hard, doesn't mean I'm not going to make good on a commitment I made to him.

All I'm saying is I have a valid pov too, but in this particular instance, my role was to listen and understand where he's coming from.
No, I'm not stuck on my pov. I just know that it exists within me, but I didn't push it on him.
Yes, I heard and listened to his pov.

At some point, I hope he can play the role of listening to my pov and "complying with my request" too.
I.e., meet in the middle.

I believe this is an example of seeking first to understand, and then to be understood.
I sought to understand. Is that always easy? No.
Did I have to put aside my own desire to be understood for the sake of it? Yes.
Just because im admitting that it's a challenge doesn't mean I'm fostering resentment.

This is good for the long run, I believe.
It's me pushing myself to be patient, and biting my tongue to hear him and meet his needs.
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Old 02-11-2011, 01:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

Sometimes when someone knows that they can say anything where they will not be 'attacked' for saying it and actually be 'heard', then they will be able to open up more and share more of their inner thoughts.
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Old 02-11-2011, 01:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

Quote:
Originally Posted by credamdóchasgra View Post
It wasn't easy because I did feel a bit misunderstood by him.

BUT: this was my turn to try and understand him. I'll have my turn.

Listening to him and showing that I want to do that, hopefully will open the way for understanding to be MUTUAL.
It is wonderful that you are taking the initiate to do it.

He may not be right, but if we listen to him with a humble attitude, it will make him feel good, and then he will soften himself. If you don't defend, then he doesn't need to feel keeping on pursuing the subject, in a marriage, it is not about right or wrong, it is about building up a happy marriage.

If he sees you putting a lot of effort into pleasing him, he will do the same thing for you, he will try harder to work on his anger issue!

I trust him. Do you?!
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

Quote:
Originally Posted by credamdóchasgra View Post
And it ended with him actually in tears telling me he loves and appreciates me.
He felt heard and respected, and I feel good that he was willing to open up and talk about something
awwwweeee...that's so sweet. doesnt it just melt you a little
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by greenpearl View Post
It is wonderful that you are taking the initiate to do it.

He may not be right, but if we listen to him with a humble attitude, it will make him feel good, and then he will soften himself. If you don't defend, then he doesn't need to feel keeping on pursuing the subject, in a marriage, it is not about right or wrong, it is about building up a happy marriage.

If he sees you putting a lot of effort into pleasing him, he will do the same thing for you, he will try harder to work on his anger issue!

I trust him. Do you?!
I do.

You're right in what you say. Thanks, everyone...we've had a good night together. One day at a time, right?
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Old 02-12-2011, 04:11 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: We had a real "relationship discussion" outside of MC, without arguing..

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Originally Posted by credamdóchasgra View Post
I do.

You're right in what you say. Thanks, everyone...we've had a good night together. One day at a time, right?
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Yes, make it one day a goal, today tell yourself that you want to make it trouble free, avoid what it might upset both of you, do what will make both of you happy.

Making him happy is your goal, understand what he likes and doesn't like, do what he likes and don't do what he doesn't like! Say what he likes and don't say what he doesn't like. Soon he will find you a smart woman and he will feel very heart warming seeing you! That's what I do everyday actually!

And please don't feel discouraged if something bad happen again, you just started it, it needs practice to become skilled.

And when he is amazed by all the big change you have made, he will be impressed, and you can tell him about this wonderful forum, both of you can learn from people here together. Let him see how other wonderful men treat their wives, let him know what he shouldn't do as a husband!
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