General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Okay, here goes. I don't have much experience with message boards but I had no one else to talk to or help get this off my chest.
5 years ago I met a young woman who I quickly fell in love with. Things were amazing from the outset. Several months into our whirlwind courtship see revealed a very personal secret to me that she had yet to tell anyone else but her mother and best friend. She had just had an abortion (early term, 4 weeks along) the month before she met me. She wanted to tell me this because she was having very strong feelings for me but didn't want it to be a shock down the road and wanted to see what I felt.
The man involved with that pregnancy was an old college boyfriend of hers who she saw off and on over the course of a 5 year period. They had dated very seriously while in college and then he graduated and made his way into the NFL as a back up (eventually to get cut a few years later and become a regular joe like the rest of us) but during that time they broke up because of his new lifestyle and distance but would continue to see each other a few times a year. It was during one of these times that the pregnancy occured.
She knew he didn't want to commit to her and he was in the middle of pursuing his professional football career. So she made a decision to have an abortion and never tell him. A few months later she met me and that's where this story begins.
I told her that I had a past as well and that I wasn't interested in worrying about whatever decisions she had made before she met me. That I was a big boy and we could make a fresh start together. We fell in love and dated for about a year when we started talking about marriage.
It was around this time that a mention of the man's name above caused me to wonder if some type of communication between the two of them was going on again. I did a little investigating and found some Myspace conversations between the two of them. Nothing at all shocking, just a little Q and A. Still, having the feelings I did for her, I told her I knew they were communicating and she apologized saying that before she moved any further with me she wanted to settle things between the two of them. I said I didn't see how bringing up the abortion to him, something he had no idea about, was going to bring her any peace of mind and that now that she was with me she should move forward in that direction. If she truly chose me then lets let the past be the past. She agreed and sent the guy an email that basically said she wanted to end any further communication with him, she had met someone and she was ready to move on with her life. I was happy.
A year later we were married with our first child on the way, another year goes by, another child, 2 more years and here we are today, 5 years after we first started dating.
And I notice on Facebook that my wife has "Friend Requested" this gentleman. I ask her why. She says she heard he had had a child in the last year and even though I wouldn't understand she wanted to see what the child looked like. I suppose because she always wanted to know what her child may have looked like. I told her we now had our own children and that although I could see why she wanted to open that door it was probably best that she didn't. Needless to say the guy never accepted her friend request anyway. And then the bombshell. This past Monday I found this message in her Facebook Inbox from the guy - "I've sat here looking @ this screen 4 20 mins trying 2 decide what 2 write.... I know that you sent me a friend request a while back & I never accepted. The reason that I did chose not 2 accept your friend request was because of the last email that u wrote 2 me on myspace. So I was VERY confused when you sent me a friend request on fb. I still have no idea @ all what I'm trying 2 say, but I realize that I can't hold a grudge.... I know I'm not completely over what u said n the email u sent, but Ive let it go (if that makes any sense). I am in no shape, form or fashion trying 2 DISRESPECT ANY1 @ all & I hope that this email is in no way seen as an attempt to "pursue" you b/c is not the case @ all.... Just speaking from the heart. I do not expect you 2 respond 2 this & I do not expect 2 care about anything that was said in this email. Just felt it was time 2 say what I felt I had 2 say. Take care!"
and in reply she wrote this back - "Thank you for this message. I appreciate ur honesty. I apologize for any confusion or hurt feelings. You are a friend from my past that I respect and just so happened to have strong feelings for. Once I saw a post from u on my brother's wall, I decided to send u a request. The myspace message probably seemed harsh...should have reworded it. I felt I couldn't move forward with my relationship with my husband (then boyfriend) with lingering thoughts of you. So I said what I said for me thinking you really didn't care either way.
That being said...I have no hard feelings towards you...and I wish you no ill will.
Hope the family is doing well.
Always,"
and in reply to her message he extended his email address to her. I immediately checked her email and found nothing between the two of them. But today I remembered another email account she had and decided to check it... and this is what I found from her to him - "Sigh...I really hate having to write this...let me gather my
thoughts before I say something I would regret. Just so much to say
and not quite sure if it's even necessary at this point.
You are still very much in the back of my mind. There is not a day
that goes by where something doesn't remind me of u. It's
frustrating...so the myspace message derived from those feelings.
I'll have to get back to you to finish this message..."
I didn't find any other messages, not sure if there have been subsequent ones or not. but now I feel like someone punched me in the stomach.
All along I've known that deep down she has always loved this man and she has always longed for him to want her the way she wanted him. But it was never meant to be. I remember early in our dating she made the comment to me "Sometimes you don't get what you want, you get what you need" and I knew at that moment that in her eyes that meant the one she wanted was him, but the one she needed was me. And that has always ate away at me. I know I can't measure up to this guy in certain ways. He was her first true love (not her first first) but he had a charisma about him, he played NFL football, and, I know this supposedly isn't that big a deal but the word is he is very blessed below the belt and so on and so on.
So here at sit, I love this woman, she really is a great wife and mother, and we are great friends as well. It just crushes me to know that I will never fully be the one she wants and that he will always have a piece of her heart. I want my wife to love me and me alone. Is that so wrong? I know what she went through is something she will never forget and that I shouldn't have know when she told me about this from the outset of our relationship that that could have been a red flag.
My question is this... how do you all interpret this situation and what should I do? Confront her about this? Let it go? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated...
Confront her, and let her know she is not being wise for having this kind of attachment to a man who isn't her husband.
She is just making her life more complicated by keeping on thinking about her past relationship.
If they didn't end up together, it only means they are not for each other, no matter how charming he is, he is not hers. It is like a woman who fantasizes a famous movie star, but she can only drool.
She has to realize it is you who is in her real world, and it is you who is taking care of her needs, not that man. It is you who has fathered her children and looking after the children. She has to realize hurting you is the last thing she should do. That man won't be bothered at all if she is in pain, but you will. She needs to know that!
TedT- So sorry to hear about this. No one likes to be made to feel second best. Have you told her that you know of the contact between them? Having an abortion is hugely traumatic to most women and she obviously has major guilt issues over this. Maybe her issue isn't still being in love with this man, but everything that reminds her of him also reminds her of the abortion and vice versa. Her main issue is not being able to let go of the past. I think she truly does love you, and is not looking to get back with this guy. Maybe she is just looking for forgiveness from him, because I don't think she has forgiven herself. My words may be colored by my own experience with this issue. So, if anything I say is not appropriate, I'm sorry. I know that my guilt has not let me let go of the past. I hold onto it as my punishment. Tell her about your feelings. I'm sure she doesn't want you to feel second best. Best of luck to you.
Thank you GreenPearl. I really feel like you are right about having a discussion with her about this. The one thing that still hurts is that even though she will know how I feel and she will more than likely agree with me that this is not the way a marriage should work, Deep down, I feel like no matter what, I'll always be second best to my wife. And I guess no rationalization or communication or nothing I do can change that. It's completely out of my control. Thanks again for the kind words, it did indeed make me feel a little better...
stumblealong... thank you so much for your insight. I think you are probably spot on... This reminds me of a time when she made the comment when we were getting married (she is Catholic) that she didn't deserve to get married in the Catholic church in her mind... never saying why but I knew it was because of what we have been talking about. Your thoughts really helped me put into perspective what she is going through/has had to go through all these years, shouldering the load of this burden all on her own without him ever having to know about it. Do you think I should even bring anything up to her or should I just leave it alone and let her work it out however makes her feel best?
When I read stumblealong's reply it was right along the lines of what I was thinking. I have not had any personal experience with abortion, but from what other women have told me, there can be ongoing guilt which can intensify when they have children later or around/near when the child would have been born.
Because of the reasons the relationship ended, (not abuse, etc.) it sounds as though the pregnancy created some 'what if' thinking if she has questioned her decision over the years and she hasn't had closure/peace within herself which may include some guilt for not telling him at the time that she was pregnant.
In reality, it seems more the fantasy of undoing that decision more so than his size below the belt, prior NFL status, etc. that she is dealing with vs. any real love feelings, since she hasn't been involved in his life for many years.
If what she is doing is not threatening her fidelity to you, you actually should be more understanding of her and help her through this loss of her. Although I still feel it is silly letting past haunt our present. I do know a lot of people can't get over of this kind of guilt they had imposed on themselves.
I really think you all are right on the money here. Thank you for opening my eyes. I think rather than tell her I've checked up on her accounts etc... I will just let this go. It does bother me that she feels the need to hide the communication from me but I understand she doesn't want to hurt me and make this into a point of contention in our marriage if she can avoid that. My only fear is that if she tells him about what happened and he asks her if she would like to meet some where to get this all out in the open / give her a shoulder to cry on / tell her what he would have done if he would have know about it then (maybe told her to keep it and married her? Maybe told her to go through with the abortion etc) all this would send her mind to a place I don't want it to go and I want her to snap back to this reality that we have under this roof with our 2 children and the life we are creating for ourselves. She really is a great woman, but this dark cloud looms and like she said herself in her email "not a day goes by that something doesn't remind her of him" Funny now that I think about it, there was a little girl that used to live across the street that sort of looked like (I know this sounds strange but it is very true) my wifes daughter and she was precisely the age the child would have been that my wife aborted. And my wife was always so so fond of that little girl (the family has since moved) and I never quite understood why until now... God this is messy, I signed up for this though when I told her one month into the relationship that I could take that history. I just wish she could lay it down and move on but it appears it will be a life long struggle. I guess I just need to be the best man I can be and keep moving forward.
Bluesky, I have often thought the same thing. They were together in college, so yes indeed, the carefree, world is yours mentality is the life they lived and then the flights across the country every 4 or 5 months to visit him as he is surrounded by his teammates and that lifestyle. She never saw him day in and day out as a regular joe so the IMAGE of him is what she adored. They were very close for a time and the old saying you want what you can't have probably applies to some degree. But I do feel the majority of her struggle was having to deal with the abortion on her own and it never affecting him at all. She probably wishes she knew what would have been if she would have told him at that moment... sighhh
And I notice on Facebook that my wife has "Friend Requested" this gentleman. I ask her why. She says she heard he had had a child in the last year and even though I wouldn't understand she wanted to see what the child looked like. I suppose because she always wanted to know what her child may have looked like. I told her we now had our own children and that although I could see why she wanted to open that door it was probably best that she didn't.
I don't think I would just drop it at this point, for a couple of reasons. It's obvious you and your wife are close & she's been forthcoming when you asked her about the friend request, so she would probably be receptive to opening up to you on how she feels. If you brush her under the rug by saying it's best to leave that in the past, she obviously has not been able to feel peace/closure within herself and may seek to continue searching for it by continued contact with him.
I am not saying you should or should not confront her about the email exchange, but the friend request has already opened up that dialogue & you should be the person working through this with her, not him.
I do think you should talk to her about it. Tell her of your concern for her wellbeing. To be honest with you, I turned away any help that anyone was willing to give me, because I didn't feel I deserved it. She may do this to you. I have no religious affiliation, but her being Catholic I'm sure she is struggling. She may need counseling to help with this. What she is most likely doing is 'stuffing' her feelings. Eventually this will overflow to where she cannot hide it anymore. Sounds like this may be the beginning of her trying to come to grips with her feelings. How do you think she will react when you mention to her that you know she has been in contact with this man?
There is not all that much you can do to help her deal with her feelings other than letting her know you are there for her. I do think she needs to stop contact with this guy in order for her to move on. Sounds like they have said their piece on the subject, there really is nothing more that needs to be said. She felt she needed to let him know, because that was another part of the guilt she feels.
I do know after 15yrs there is still guilt. But, I have comes to terms with my life. I think I may know what she is going through, esp since having my child now. I hope she opens up to you. I think you are indeed the one she needs.
Stumble
thank you all very much. It's pretty funny how total strangers can see pin point certain things and give you a different slant on issues you are dealing with. Very refreshing. I think I will tell her (because she leaves her facebook page up on the computer all the time and she has not deleted his original message) that I saw his/her facebook messages and was concerned. I think I will say that I don't know if you have or haven't contacted him via email but whatever you decide to do I hope you can be open and honest with me about it. I know you have some things you've felt like you need to get off your chest with him for some time now and if you feel that that is what needs to take place in order to move on then I welcome that. But please don't hide things from me and keep me in the dark. And please don't allow that communication to go much further than that out of respect for me and our children. And maybe also slip in that I am always willing to listen to anything she needs to talk about whether it is regarding this or anything else. What do you guys think about this strategy??
I think the message below is beautiful. I would only tweak one thing.
"I get why the fantasy of this guy is appealing - that said if you need closure I will support that. However, anything "more" than closure is going to have a very negative impact on our marriage."
Frankly a lot of guys wouldn't even be ok with "closure". But I think it is good that you are. It shows strength and kindness. I think if I were in your shoes I would also support that. But she cannot for one second think that anything else is even close to ok with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TedT
thank you all very much. It's pretty funny how total strangers can see pin point certain things and give you a different slant on issues you are dealing with. Very refreshing. I think I will tell her (because she leaves her facebook page up on the computer all the time and she has not deleted his original message) that I saw his/her facebook messages and was concerned. I think I will say that I don't know if you have or haven't contacted him via email but whatever you decide to do I hope you can be open and honest with me about it. I know you have some things you've felt like you need to get off your chest with him for some time now and if you feel that that is what needs to take place in order to move on then I welcome that. But please don't hide things from me and keep me in the dark. And please don't allow that communication to go much further than that out of respect for me and our children. And maybe also slip in that I am always willing to listen to anything she needs to talk about whether it is regarding this or anything else. What do you guys think about this strategy??
I need Female Insight! 
