need help fixing my infidelity
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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my husband and i have been married for three years and have a 1 year old baby. we have had a lot of stress on our relationship and i cheated on him with someone at work. how do we begin the healing now that its all out in the open. i have been honest with him and told him everything... but now how do we work this out and save our family?
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help fixing my infidelity

i wont say that u did the right thing by telling him that u cheated on him its just not me,i mean you know,you were sorry with what you did,for me the fact that u were honest to him is enough,and asure him that it will never ever happen to him show and show him the best wife and mom u cud ever be. all the best...
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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its not that simple... i didnt just offer up the info on a whim... i got caught. i do beleive that a relatioship cannot ever move forward untill the truth is revealed on all sides. thats not the issue. the issue is how do i prove to him that i understand i was wrong and it will never happen again. how do we fall back in love?
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mommabear View Post
my husband and i have been married for three years and have a 1 year old baby. we have had a lot of stress on our relationship and i cheated on him with someone at work. how do we begin the healing now that its all out in the open. i have been honest with him and told him everything... but now how do we work this out and save our family?
There is good information on the site about infidelity and how to recover. You can search for it. Good luck.
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Old 02-12-2011, 02:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help fixing my infidelity

Do you still work with the man? It would help your husband's healing if you have zero contact with the other man going forward. Part of reassuring him it won't happen again is to understand and let him know why it did happen this time. I would also recommend giving him email passwords, access to your phone, let him see that there is no further contact. Think about the state of your marriage...what was missing? Do you need to get a sitter once a week and have a 'date' night? Many times kids, work & bills start to take the focus away from the marriage so putting your marriage back at the top of the priority list is a good way to start.

I would also recommend the book The Five Love Languages by Chapman for you both to read and talk about. It is a good start when trying to re-connect with your spouse.
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Old 02-12-2011, 02:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help fixing my infidelity

Here are some of the little things my cheating wife does that help me heal.

She calls me all the time on her way to work, on her break, at lunch, and on her way home. There quick little convos. like "I made it to work" or "I was just thinking of you and wanted to let you know I'm here at work having lunch with so & so.. being a good girl", or "I'm on my way home ,cant wait to see you , can I get you anything from the store".

Things like that.. that reassure me that shes not out screwing around, and that she is on her way home. It kind of reminds me when I was in junior high and the girl that liked me called all the time, IDK its cute.

Another thing that helps is her affection and the things she says, like a quick rub on the back as I walk by or a hug FROM HER when I come home or leave. I enjoy the fact that she tells me how glad she is that I didnt leave her, and she thanks me for giving her a chance, and she like to say shes sorry. Im mean its nothing major it suttle, I mean she does things in passing, these aren't long conversation or long embraces. Its short sweet and away we both go. If you know what I mean.

Its beed 12 months and 5-1/2 hours since I found the text and the pictures. kind of messed up 2 days before Valintines Day you catch your wife cheating.

Give your H a pat on the back for me, he diserves it.

I think thats my point.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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thank you all for the advice!!!
"the guy"... you have some very good advice! i cant imagine how my H feels right now, or you when you dealt with yours, but it makes sense with the whole junior high thing. i remember my first crush and how good it felt to have the feelings expressed toward me. i will definitely put some of your wifes good work into our relationship. heres a new question for you though... my husband is Sicilian and has a few anger issues to begin with, how can he take the anger he has toward the other man and put it towards something good and productive for us? how did you work through that with your wife?

"Swedish"... the other man wasn't someone i work with, he was a customer in the bar i work in, and i am quite positive that i will NEVER see him again. but i do have a question for you, too. how can i express why i feel this happened without sounding like im blaming him? i am fully aware that this was my choice and my fault, but your right... we cant move past this until the reasons are shared and changed. how can i tell him the things that i want him to change without pointing fingers? and yes i know that i have to change too, so how do we sit down and tell each other what we need from each other without causing anymore resentment or damage?
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mommabear View Post
and yes i know that i have to change too, so how do we sit down and tell each other what we need from each other without causing anymore resentment or damage?
Click on this link below, it has a Marraige Builders Emotional Needs Quesntionnier that you can print out for both of you to fill out, this will be a nice starting point to explore what has been missing in the marraige, from both your sides, to work on fullfilling each others needs.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help fixing my infidelity

Well as far as the OM goes, or in my case the OM's I really don't have any great advise, but I do have some perspectives I'd like to share.

As far as the last guy that she was with when I confronted her I wanted to kill him. I would have rigged his car but he didn't have one. I would have rigged his house but he was staying with family.

Bottom line is things like this require help and the dept I would have aquired would have been bad. See certain people have the belief that once a favor of this kind is done there is never a pay back, you owe them for ever and you can get sucked in to this kind of association that you can not get out of. If you know what I mean.

Beside this OM is back in prison.

The ex best friend is also a tough deal. I don't want him dead, but I do want to kick his a@@. This most likely will end up with both of us on the ground bloody and soar. At 42 we both would be soar for days and propablely miss a few days of work. The thing about this one is that one day we will cross path and he will have to answer to some "hard" questions. I will cross that bridge when it happens.

Back to all the other men that my W screwed.. most were ONS and were used like bandaids for my wife. She tore them off as soon as she found them. Most were nameless faces in a drunken mess of self destruction.

She never hid the fact that she was married and most excepted the rules. believe it or not some..maybe one or two did not sleep with here b/c she was married and were not into being used.

All these guys were thrown away by my wife and used for one thing, I have no ill harm towards these guys and this kind of affairs. How do track down some young guy that she only saw once for a few hours?

She had one long term boyfriend 13 years ago and how in the hell would I even want to go down that road after all the crap that shes done since?

I have tracked down a few OM's just to see who they were, most were guys she slept with once but wanted to see her again. I got there phone numbers from her cell phone account.

Some guys want this relationship and want to date her but she knew I had some saviory connections and associations and felt is was not in there best interest to stay away.

The one thing she did well was keep her affairs away from her real life. But for some reason the last one...the convict, he got to needy and maybe she just got tired and wanted to get caught IDK.

If I choose I could have taken care of somethings but will that help repair my marraige. I'm trying to rebuild my family not bring it down by going to jail.

I worked to hard to get were I am today by playing those stupid games I did in my youth.
I'm not that street a@@ punck any more, I have 401K's and investment, I get to get my kids through college.

There is just to much to give up especially since she cmae back I didn't have to fight.

When I started to care and give a f*ck about what my w was doing with her life the OM's seem to scatter. I didn't have to go and fight for my chick she came willingly. If thet makes sence.

I'm will never know for sure but if she decided to to stay with OM there might be blood, I'll never know.
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Old 02-13-2011, 04:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help fixing my infidelity

sorry for asking, something not adding up here.
was this a one night stand? you said he was a customer and you are not going to see him again it indicate that you had a one night stand?
and how you got caught by your husband?
why did you cheat, just sweet talk wont get someone to sleep with.
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Old 02-13-2011, 04:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: need help fixing my infidelity

Get counseling--do not try to "fix" this alone.

Althought the cheating is 100% on you, the marital breakdown that led to cheating may well be a shared responsibility (unless you also have a mental illness and/or drug addiction, in which case his only mistake is in remaining married to you when you aren't in treatment and/or recovery).

Figure out what went wrong that made you willing to look/turn elsewhere. There isn't anything "morally wrong" with WANTING to hide from your spouse/hurt them somehow, through cheating/etc. Those are just FEELINGS and they can guide us to realize something is wrong in the marriage so we can work to make our marriage stronger. ACTING on those feelings is, of course, completely wrong.

If you haven't gotten a different job, do it as a commitment to him. Won't bartending just keep you in a potentially tempting situation? Even if that "one" customer is gone?
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Old 02-13-2011, 09:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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thank you "the guy".. i think your on the right track with the idea that he needs to prioritize our daughter and familys future over revenge. although i understand that it may make him feel better now, the long term ramifications are just not worth it. unfortunately, literally the day before it was all discovered, the OM shook his hand and reassured my H that there was nothing going on. i think my H is more upset with the blatant, in your face, disrespect. maybe i can help him find something constructive to redirect his anger? i feel like the anger has to go somewhere or it will be toxic to our forward progress. we both have a lot of work to do, and i understand there will be forward and backward progress but we dont need hidden or repressed anger and aggression in the background! this was the first (and last) affair that i have ever been a part of, so all of his anger is directed at one OM, not multiple ONS. also, i got caught through a girl who i considered a friend who apparently wants to be with my H. she "ratted me out", if you will. it was not an emotional attachment with the OM, but it was not a ONS either. it was however short lived... maybe 2 or 3 months. im not sure what exactly the connection was, but i guess thats something i have to figure out as well!

As far as me getting a new job, i have been at the same place for 4 years with no problems before, and unfortunately we cannot afford for me to quit. We have made some compromises, for instance... i am no longer drinking at all, and i am calling my H more often. He is also stopping by to say hi when he can, and i am perfectly fine with this. i actually kinda enjoy it because it erases doubt about what im doing.

And btw... i did suggest couples counseling, but my H doesnt seem to think it will help. He thinks it will end up with more fingers pointing at him. i dont get it, but i am certainly willing to try anything!

thanks again for all the advice!!
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Old 02-14-2011, 09:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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if your friend have not told your husband would be still in physical affair? what would have stopped you
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:15 AM   #14 (permalink)
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"Swedish"... the other man wasn't someone i work with, he was a customer in the bar i work in, and i am quite positive that i will NEVER see him again. but i do have a question for you, too. how can i express why i feel this happened without sounding like im blaming him? i am fully aware that this was my choice and my fault, but your right... we cant move past this until the reasons are shared and changed. how can i tell him the things that i want him to change without pointing fingers? and yes i know that i have to change too, so how do we sit down and tell each other what we need from each other without causing anymore resentment or damage?
I understand what you are saying and I believe you should take full ownership for having the affair.

Many affairs start when there are issues within the marriage and a spouse receives attention outside of the marriage that causes a great temptation. The affair happens when the spouse makes a decision to give in to the temptation rather than to resist it and instead use this as a warning sign that the marital issues need to be addressed.

Marital issues are not an excuse for an affair, but ignoring what made you vulnerable to it in the first place, if gone unaddressed, will not help your marriage in the long run.

First, if he just found out and is still very angry, I would give him some time to process all of this and work through the raw emotions. Anger is a normal reaction to an affair, but this should subside at some point where you can be in a place to discuss what you both can do to make your marriage stronger...reading the book I suggested or "After the Affair" might help you to better understand him and how he is feeling and may open up some dialogue between you where it doesn't come off as you blaming him in any way for the affair.
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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tourchwood, i really cant answer that other than to say that the guilt was definitely getting to me and i think i would have stopped very soon anyways. the guilt was causing me to drink heavily and that was taking a toll on me as a mommy which was reason enough for me to want to quit. maybe she did our marriage a favor, though i will never admit that to her!

simplyamorous, thanks for the questionnaire! did it last night and it got some awesome conversation going! we have a lot of work to do, and now we have some cool starting points and ideas...
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