Tell me if this makes sense or I'm in just being dumb

Jaded Heart · 02-12-2011, 12:45 PM

If you read my posts you know that H called over our marriage on the 30th of Dec.

One of the things he seems to not be able to live with is that 14 years ago we broke up and I ended having a relationship and got pregnant right away I felt like I betrayed my Husband. I broke up with the guy 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. He didn't want kids anyways. My H has raised my son from that relationship as his own.

We had an agreement that when the time came we would tell our son together. Well that didn't happen he got drunk one night and and thought is would be a great time to tell my son !

okay so now he sits here and says" I love him with everything" but I hate that you brought him into this world the way you did. That you didn't use protection to stop him coming into the world the way you did.

I don't know but this pisses me off to no end. How can you say you love him and then say you hate how he came into the world. Should it even matter how he became? You shouldn't be tossing that in my face if you love him like you say you do !

Jaded Heart · 02-12-2011, 05:31 PM

Anyone have some input please

eli · 02-12-2011, 06:16 PM

Hey there - I need ofind your posts to see what your situation is.
It seems like ur H is really trying to make you feel guilty but surely all of that is old news by now? How did your son cope? Does H not realise that he might hurt ur son - was he trying to get at you?

Jaded Heart · 02-12-2011, 06:29 PM

My son is devasted , cause he has been put in the middle of all this. Not just being his son but also from the OW , I was a bigger person and let my son go there last weekend he is close to their son. After Her H left she drilled my son with questions like

Where is your dad?
Does he still sleep on the couch?
Is your mom at home?

things like that !

Jaded Heart · 02-12-2011, 07:35 PM

As for your questions, yeah he did it to hurt me! We had split up for a few months and he thought he would have it over my head and told our son.

For months my son hated me, he was 6 at the time and he called me every name in the book. Of course hearing it from his dad cause he would never have came up with those names by himself !

Now my son and I are close again like we were before. He loves his dad but is very mad at him for what he is doing and for hearing the way his father talks about me. My son had a lot of questions when H told me it was over. I told him I could not answer those questions that he would have to talk to his dad. So he did , H was pretty honest with him and told the reason he wanted out was cause of something I did right before he was born. That I went out and had a one night stand. But he didn't say it like that he said" Your mom went out and screwed someone in a week. "

I don't get where he thinks it is right to talk to my son that way. My son is worried that he is going to lose his dad. Cause his real dad has never wanted him and now his dad that he knows wants out which means that he will never be here for him but on weekends.

major misfit · 02-13-2011, 06:51 AM

Please start therapy for your son immediately. He's being put in the middle of a situation that is not of his making, and he is the innocent collateral damage in all of this. He's going to need help managing his feelings, and you all need help in helping him do that. He should have been put in counseling when the bombshell that the man he always believed to be his father was, in fact...not. That is like the world caving in to a child. And more s**t just keeps being heaped upon him. As hard of a time as you are having with everything (as a grown up), can you imagine how hard it must be for him? I bet he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders right now.

greeneyeddolphin · 02-13-2011, 07:20 AM

You are perfectly right to be upset with your husband, and you're absolutely right that he should not have told or continue to tell your son in that way and say those things.

My boyfriend hates my ex-husband, who is the father of my two children. He has never, and would never, say anything bad about my children, and he wouldn't even criticize my ex if the kids were around. He understands that my children didn't ask to be here, and have no control over who their father is. He also realizes that the decisions I made at that time, as illogical or stupid they seem now in hindsight, seemed like good decisions at the time. If he doesn't agree with them, he might say so, but he does it in the context of "I wouldn't have done that, but I can see why you did," or if he can't understand why I did, it's "I wouldn't have done that, and I'm not sure why you did. Can you please explain it to me?" If it were a situation like you describe, I'd then explain why I felt the need to sleep with someone else so quickly, or if I couldn't, I'd tell him that too. Then, that would be the end of it.

One thing I do know, when it comes to anything to do with sex, cheating, and/or betrayal (which is how your husband is seeing what happened), you don't get beyond it and have a solid relationship again unless you let it go. The comments he makes prove that he has not let it go, which means that your relationship is nowhere near being stable, and probably never has been since what happened.

First and foremost, as major said, your son and his mental health need to come first. He needs some counseling to help him with all of this: being told his dad wasn't really his dad, his dad cheating on you, his dad wanting to leave, the OW being his aunt....that's all a massive weight for a kid.

Once you get that going, the next thing I'd like you to consider: I know you've been wanting to work this out, and he hasn't, and you've been looking for ways to change his mind and make it work. But, do you really want to be with a man who would be so heartless to an innocent child? And regardless of what you want to tell yourself, and regardless of what he tells you, what he has done to your son is heartless. For me, I could never happily love someone who could be cruel to a blameless child.

If you do decide you still want to be with him, despite all that he's done (the cheating, the meanness toward your son), I think counseling is in order. Not only so he can let go of what happened, but so he can learn effective ways to deal with stuff when it happens rather than doing what he's been doing.

4sure · 02-14-2011, 02:44 PM

It takes more than sperm to make a dad a dad. When H got back with you, and you gave birth to your son your H became his daddy. If he hadn't forgiven you, and was not willing 100% to take on the daddy role he should have never reconciled with you. He would have been within his rights, and it would have been understandable.

Yes it does matter that you conceived a child by another man. Your H had a choice then while you were pregnant to walk away, but he stayed.

Why tell the boy at all? Telling him did no good except hurt, and damage this child, your son. This is NOT love. No one who loves wants to cause harm to a child.

This action pisses you off, oh I would be irate. Violently kickin his a$$. Go to jail angry. No adult hurts my child, brings tears to his eyes. If so they will feel the fall-out wrath of momma.
This angers me, and he isn't my baby.

Do you think your H may have told him, so if you two divorce he won't have to pay child support on him, or see him. Sever all ties, and feel justified by doing so?

4sure · 02-14-2011, 02:54 PM

Jaded Heart I have followed your posts. I have not commented on all, because your H makes me angry. I do not wish to be banned from this site. He plays with your emotions like a yo-yo, and seems to enjoy it. As time goes on he comes up with new cruel ways to get to you.

This new level of cruelty with the child is way beyond crossing the line.

Get rid of this dude. He is no good. You are so much better without him. Get rid of the fear that keeps you with him. You have endured more crap from this guy than any wife should.

What kind of man has an affair with his own brothers wife? That says alot about his character.

Be good to yourself.