It'll be my second marriage...tell me, is this normal???

Mrs.B · 09-03-2008, 08:43 PM

Hi everyone, first off, I am new here, I have to admit I feel I never thought I would end up in a forum, but, I truly believe that venting or simply talking about it might just make my lil problems go away

Soooo,

I have been married before (no kids). I left him because I was just tired of being left at home alone...not being taken care of emotionally, etc.

I cheated on him with a man we new (acquaintance) and I had always thought was an awesome person, friend, etc.

SO, after getting involved I immediately ended my marriage, I left him. I didn't want anyone to know I cheated, I didn't want to hurt anyone either.
It was all really fast. So, of course, the regrets and doubts come along the way:"should I have left?", "should I have tried more?".

The thing is, all this million question started to come to my head more often then normal AFTER my current partner (same one I cheated on ex) proposed.

When I look back and try REALLY hard to remember it all, I understand I would probably go right back to the miserable life I had, but you know...it's hard to tell after some time.

I love my fiance'. He is a GOOD man. Hard worker, wants a family, great with children, super polite and friendly, we love to be together, cook, go out, movies, etc, etc (btw, we've been living together for 2 1/2 years) Sends flowers...good in bed, not 100% my physical type in a man, but I can be pass that... he is, overall,the whole package.

WHY in hell do I keep looking back??????

Is this normal? Am I over thinking it all too much????

Again, it is not often, but it happens....makes me feel bad and guilty and messes with my mind when I am fragile, like PMS, lol

HELP!!!

nikkilaya1234 · 09-03-2008, 10:43 PM

I think it's normal to feel guilt. Being human, you do have a conscience. So you cheated on your husband with an acquaintance of y'alls and left him for the other guy who later proposed. You're probably going to hear this from whoever you tell this to but you shouldn't have cheated. Did you try talking to your husband while y'all were still together about how you felt? You definitely should have tried all that you could before giving up on the marriage. Maybe, if you haven't already, you should come clean with your ex. That could probably help with all the feelings you've been bombarded with lately. But yes, communicating with your husband at the time about how he was making you feel would have been a way better option than cheating.

Mrs.B · 09-04-2008, 07:25 AM

Yes, I know my option is not acceptable. But, YES, I did try everything I could with my ex. I also should mention that my ex - occasionally - drank heavily and became violent. Rare, but happened.

AGAIN, I know I should have plain and simple just left him, which was my goal actually, but, it all happened with my current fiance and I 'almost' couldn't help.

Like I said, it is all only in mind head, no one knows the whole truth, but I guess it makes it worse.

Does it mean I don't love my fiance? Like I asked before, is it normal to be just re-analizing it all since he proposed, etc?

justean · 09-04-2008, 08:24 AM

you wil always think about the past , your past, because it was part of your life, guilt plays a huge part in your feelings.
but you have to move on to be happy.
do you really want to think of someone, that really neglected you and made you feel worthless. my ex - was the best thing i got rid of in my life. yes 13 yrs later he is still in my head with the stories.
but hes not in my head for the good things (there werent many).
it doesnt mean you dont love your fiance.
But 2 things:-
do you feel in love with your fiance?
or do you just need to spend time on your own for a little, to reflect on what you want.
it sounded like you didnt have space to learn about you , between your ex and your fiance.
yes your very normal with regards to your feelings.

Mrs.B · 09-04-2008, 08:43 AM

Thanks justean,

I agree that maybe I should have had some time for myself. But then again, when me and my fiance' went apart for a while in the beginning, I felt lost, I do love him and I have no boubt about that. I hate myself when I start 'looking for wrong things on him' just so I can figure out myself.

It should be simple. I felt in love, he is the one and end of story, but the ex things I guess will always kinda linger, it bothers me.

If I don't think about the ex (bad or good ways) then there comes a dream or something to bring a bunch of sh*t back in my head, at least for that day, know what I mean?

My fiance is all a woman can look for and I am just afraid I'll end up ruining it because I can not simply RELAX

justean · 09-04-2008, 11:41 AM

as long as you love him. thats ok. dont over analyse your situation. thats the trouble and yes we all do it, we think to much. accept those things for what they were and are.
when you look at wrong things on him - simply dont - remember the good. you cant figure out yourself. because your looking to hard at yourself, thats why not not relaxing enough.
finding a man like the one you have is very difficult to find. enjoy the day for what it is or u could spoil it .
past history always lingers - thats why its called history, it reminds u. but learn and grow from it. your the flower in the end.
you cant keep holding on to a burden, they carry to much weight.