General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Great forum this is, very interesting to read and helpful.
Married 11 years have a 7 year old, we have active and succesful sex and are affectionate to each other often. Given all this i'm still very unhappy in our relationship.
I can't figure out why either one of two things in no particular order: She can't show her real self to me because she just can't or she chooses to stay behind a wall. She isn't cold to me but keeps a light comfortable distance. It's very difficult to get her to talk about our relationship or open up it seems. What drives me crazy is that I can't figure out if she isn't able to or chooses not to.
Seems that all we ever talk about is factual stuff, who is doing what, what's going on with tomorrow etc. Dinner, we need to do this and that, she will ask me questions about things but never anything real personal. She never expresses how she feels about herself or about us, only others. Seems she has a mental wall up, but again I can't tell if it's by choice or she lacks the dimension to talk any deeper. She is 38 but I think pretty immature and naive for 38. She gravitates to having younger friends and her closest friend is about the same way as her. Very surfacy and factual (almost phony) I would say, but of course I don't know her that well. Her brother is that way but sister isn't.
So i've brought up these concerns to her on and off for the last umpteen years and finally she is seeing a counselor. But I can't help but wonder if she is only going through the motions. Maybe she is completely content? maybe she enjoys being a mystery? maybe she enjoys being mentally alone?
I can't expect her to be at my beck and call constantly, but for the last year, when kid is in bed and we are done doing the deed, she spends the rest of the night and pretty much all her free time devouring books by Nora Roberts and others. Seems she's in another world sometimes with those books.
You will ask if I think she's having an emotional or physical affair...answer is I don't think so. It isn't in her nature, she's very good hearted and almost unable to be that deceptive. I think so, but wouldn't bet my life on it.
I don't know why this bothers me but other things like her texting her girlfriends all the time and never me. Her closest friend and her have been since kids, and I know it's a different type relationship and i'm fine with it, but I think if there's anyone she is totally open and expressive with, it could only be her. I'm not jealous of that I just think if that's the case it's too bad. Too bad that she can't open up to her own husband.
So now i'm left wondering, yes I love her and I know she loves me....should I accept that she is that way? or demand something else? I've threatened to leave before and she cries and says: "I don't know what you want me to do, I don't think i'll ever be the person you want me to be" i'm always into expressing myself, i'm a musician as well, and she can't or won't with me unless I press the issue. Part of me feels like i'm throwing away a part of myself with each year that passes because again, I feel like I don't even know her.
Have you talked to her best friend about this, and asked for some insights? I would try this approach as long as she won't get pissed at you for talking to her best FEMALE friend.
Part of the reason she won't open up may well be because she actually loves you very deeply, but I haven't got time to develop that theme now. I will meditate on it, and write some more another time. Please write more about yourself and her, and how things were when you first met, and how they changed.
May I ask how long you dated before getting married? What kind of relationship was it then? Was she like that back then?
you see my wife is allot like your wife. That is her personality. She is a book reader, the kids could be choking each other and she will be reading her book without a care in the world, it's almost an addiction, she started reading a series of books there are 13 books in all, she started in July on book 1, she is on book 12 now. She get's people magazine, If I find the magazine 2 weeks later and throw it out, you figured I committed murder or something..."I wasn't done witht hat!" LOL
Anyway, back tot eh topic, but my wife is very reserved and she can not open up to save her life, She claims to have zero sexual fantasies and is still niave to the real world, she likes her little protected world, but I am a Open world person, I love the chaos and craziness, I guess it comes with growing up int he shadows on NYC.
But during our dating days I was in NJ she was in PA for college, so she had PLENTY of time to read her books and do her own thing, but still "have me" that has carried over to our marriage.
I can go out and party with my buddies, she is perfectly happy to stay home and read a book, no worries.
But like you, I would like to have time with my wife and enjoy her company. I can cook dinner for the family, she will either be reading or on the Computer playing a ccomputer game, instead of sitting with me and having a glass of wine talking about things.
We have a wonderful sex life, I've "broken her down" over the years on several issues, it has come with time and trust. Things she swore she would never do, she now loves. But she still ahs that reserved personality.
I just feel that is your wife's personality, she is the opposite as we are....Most women have husbands that show no interest and have zero interest in their wives (read this board) Then there are us Men who simply adore their wives and want to have conversations with them and want to bed them every minute of the day, but they would rather read a book or play on the Computer....LOL
Opposites attract....If you lived in Georgia I would get your number so we could hang out, the woman can go in the house and read their books and we could play a drinking game...LOL
Thanks for your replies. To the person that suggested I talk to her friend, I wouldn't do that. I don't think it would get me anywhere.
To the person that asked about our history, well we started dating 14 years ago and four months into our relationship I started dating someone else, this lasted for about two months and she knew it all along. Apparently she was checking my answering machine. That's all in the past though and never gets mentioned between us. Her dad was really depressed and suicidal when she was a kid and he finally died at 49 of a heart attack, but she doesn't dwell on this. Her parents both came from small towns strict families and mine were much more liberal and open. My father's family were immigrants that had to make it here, and my mother's family a bunch of drunks. We were raised very different obviously. I asked her one time when we were in bed to tell me a fantasy she's had and and she told me she didn't have one, she would have to think about it. So again I wonder if this is BS or she just doesn't have that circuit in her brain. It seems like she has this inability to express emotion, like Asperger syndrome (mild autism) she is outwardly very social just on a superficial level. It's like she has no soul, no emotion to express, it's all mental and one dimensional. She loves to plan ahead, loves to do crosswords, read, she has an incredibly huge memory and does everything efficiently, even sex!. I love her, but it get's frustrating being married to someone like this.
Martino, yep our wives are twins, you do not stand alone.
My wife Hates people, but she is very kind and sweet at social gatherings, everyone loves her, but I know she is faking it, she rather stay home and read a book.
I really just think that is how they are wired. I understand where you are comming from.
See if she will do some role playing with you. My wife does like to role play and has many outfits.
I suggest one day on the PC you pull up a website called 3wishes, has sexy costumes for an adult woman. Go through the pics, then ask your wife while next to you, "so dear, would you be willing to wear any of these for a photo session?" She may first say no, but she may find something interesting. My wife absoulutely LOVES to do it now, and I have fun doing it.
I bet your wife likes to play games too, well there are adult games you can play with her.
I've learned over the years to mend my ways to help fit her personality, and she has done the same for me, we do the give and take.
Also there is a company out there that makes Romance Novels, but they put you and your spouses information in the books, So the Female Role is played by your wife int eh book, and the Male Hero is...you. They match your hair, eyes and name of courst to fill in the gaps. I had one done for my wife for christmas, She loved it.!!!
Yep Soccerman she loves games. That's a good idea, any in particular? no offense but the novel with my name in it sounds too cheesy for me. That sort of rings of desperation in my mind. Funny though, she claims she likes these stories for the "mystery", to see if the bad guy gets caught. Then I look through them when she's gone and they all have the same theme, you know: "Will Janice choose the unsafe playboy or the security of the other man" they're all the same!
She would go for pictures, and we've done that. Any new sex act requires her being eased into it very gently. She did tell me she wants me to man handle her more aggressively which is super cool.
Don't know if you are into astrology but my wife is a Virgo. If you read up on Virgo women, it describes her flawlessly. Problem is they say you will never get to know the real her.
Thanks for your replies. To the person that suggested I talk to her friend, I wouldn't do that. I don't think it would get me anywhere.
Martino, I beg you to slow down. You are missing something. The answer is staring you in the face. She is a mystery and you have to be a detective.
You mentioned her fantasies or lack of. She is feeding you pure BS! How do I know? She states she wants you to be more aggressive in bed. How do you think she knows that? She is imagining what it would be like if you were treating her more roughly - that inner rehearsal is a fantasy. You need to be listening less to her words and more to what's behind them.
Your wife is dropping clues, but you are not picking them up. You're looking on the surface. The surface has been kept deliberately bland.
Whatever you do, do not confront her with "Ah Ha MarkTwain says you do have fantasies"! Nope, you need to be as cool and as crafty as her. Unfortunately, women like men to be telepathic about their desires. For two reasons:
1)Sometimes they don't know clearly themselves
2)They are embarrassed to admit them.
Your wife is in the latter camp. I am really surprised she told you about the aggressiveness thing. How the hell did you winkle that one out of her? I would guess she tired of your telepathy not working, and just decided to take the risk of throwing you a decent clue, because she has HOT HOT fantasies of being dominated to some extent. You will need to experiment and guage her reaction to different scenarios over several sessions.
So you must never let on you are onto her. There is only one way to go in a case like this. You need to be indirect. Don't ask her what she likes. Instead ask her random questions about other people: "What do you think about women who do such and such?" When she talks about "women", she will be really talking about herself.
I say random because, you will need to do some "fishing". Who knows what you will turn up, and when you will get a bite.
Unfortunately, women like men to be telepathic about their desires. For two reasons:
1)Sometimes they don't know clearly themselves
2)They are embarrassed to admit them.
Good observations, MT. Just to clarify, I admit I like my husband to be telepathic...not to torture him but because I find it very uncomfortable to discuss sexual desires...I also realize this is not fair to him and work at being more open with him.
I think I was conditioned (upbringing/society?) to connect sexually aggressive women with the type you don't bring home to meet your mother so these thoughts can be suppressed to a point where it isn't even clear what desires are buried within...
I will misquote a song by I have no idea who...'she's a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets' or something along those lines...I guess the more I understand men, the more I find this is the preferred balance vs. all around lady or all around 'freak'
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
I would guess she tired of your telepathy not working, and just decided to take the risk of throwing you a decent clue, because she has HOT HOT fantasies of being dominated to some extent.
I would definitely tread lightly here...even if she is having fantasies, by saying she isn't might be her fear of you thinking she wants to make them reality...most of mine (which I will not share) will stay fantasies and although I have shared some with my husband, have told him that as well...he has come up with some less edgy but creative alternatives so I'm glad we are more open...anyway, I wouldn't take the dominated thing to literally...but maybe try a spur of the moment jump her bones you can't get enough of her session...if the usual is once you are already in bed, start kissing and go from there...just throw that out the window this time and see how she reacts.
You could also ask the fantasy question in another way...do you ever have fantasies, say from one of your books, that you think sound hot but would never actually want to do them? Take that pressure off that you have alternative ideas vs. just wanting to get inside her head a little.
Thank you all, excellent points here. I will discretely put them into play. I also think that she is afraid that telling her fantasies won't mean much to me, you know not big enough, not kinky enough...she admitted that she wants a hot tub in our house for us. That's pretty bland, (I didn't say that to her) but at least she told me something.
May I ask how long you dated before getting married? What kind of relationship was it then? Was she like that back then?
you see my wife is allot like your wife. That is her personality. She is a book reader, the kids could be choking each other and she will be reading her book without a care in the world, it's almost an addiction, she started reading a series of books there are 13 books in all, she started in July on book 1, she is on book 12 now. She get's people magazine, If I find the magazine 2 weeks later and throw it out, you figured I committed murder or something..."I wasn't done witht hat!" LOL
Anyway, back tot eh topic, but my wife is very reserved and she can not open up to save her life, She claims to have zero sexual fantasies and is still niave to the real world, she likes her little protected world, but I am a Open world person, I love the chaos and craziness, I guess it comes with growing up int he shadows on NYC.
But during our dating days I was in NJ she was in PA for college, so she had PLENTY of time to read her books and do her own thing, but still "have me" that has carried over to our marriage.
I can go out and party with my buddies, she is perfectly happy to stay home and read a book, no worries.
But like you, I would like to have time with my wife and enjoy her company. I can cook dinner for the family, she will either be reading or on the Computer playing a ccomputer game, instead of sitting with me and having a glass of wine talking about things.
We have a wonderful sex life, I've "broken her down" over the years on several issues, it has come with time and trust. Things she swore she would never do, she now loves. But she still ahs that reserved personality.
I just feel that is your wife's personality, she is the opposite as we are....Most women have husbands that show no interest and have zero interest in their wives (read this board) Then there are us Men who simply adore their wives and want to have conversations with them and want to bed them every minute of the day, but they would rather read a book or play on the Computer....LOL
Opposites attract....If you lived in Georgia I would get your number so we could hang out, the woman can go in the house and read their books and we could play a drinking game...LOL
Dude, you are just too funny ! You can say this about guys and them watching sports or reading the sports paper.
While watching the game or even reading the sports section of the paper this happens..
Wife says.. I want a divorce. Husband says..oh, that's nice.
Wife says.. the house is on fire ! The husband says..can't you take care of it, I want to watch the game.
Wife yells your name (like.. Jon..dinner is ready), or even talks to you while watching tv,she gets yelled back at, like how dare you bother me while I watching this all more important than you game.
Oh, and about throwing away her magizine. Some women would really catch hell, if they threw out their husband's bimbo magizine.
Started thumbing through those novels she reads constantly. It's Penthouse forum! every ten pages " the tension was unbearable between them, John got off her couch, burst into her bedroom and began caressing her hair and kissing her, she tried to resist but gave in to his masculinity, after fondling her breasts he then savagely turned her around and pulled her panties down"
Started thumbing through those novels she reads constantly. It's Penthouse forum! every ten pages " the tension was unbearable between them, John got off her couch, burst into her bedroom and began caressing her hair and kissing her, she tried to resist but gave in to his masculinity, after fondling her breasts he then savagely turned her around and pulled her panties down"
is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Maybe she wants more romance in her life. Romance her, dude, she will lay off the books for the real deal, I'm sure.
Can't figure out my wife
If men could fly, that would be nice too...save on fuel and no traffic jams.
You can say this about guys and them watching sports or reading the sports paper. 
