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post #16 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 07:01 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Well, I think you have to focus on what is driving her to it.

She doesn't feel she fits in with your life and your circle, so she is trying to create one for herself. You say there are issues of her fitting in with your friends and "whatnot". This is enormously important.

You two have to become "one" socially as a married couple.

How can you make that happen?

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post #17 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 07:42 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Meetup groups themselves are not bad. However she shouldn't be joining singles groups. You need to have a discussion about boundaries and protecting the marriage. Instead of trying to stop her from using meetup groups suggest groups that are more appropriate and offer to join one with her. In my area there are so many groups whose main purpose is a fine hobby. Just last night one of the local climbing meetup groups were at the climbing gym I use. One of my friends likes the hiking meetups. With that you get a chance to explore the local area outdoors.

But it's all about boundaries. Read up on them here and have a boundary discussion with your wife.

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post #18 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 07:45 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by meson View Post
Meetup groups themselves are not bad. However she shouldn't be joining singles groups. You need to have a discussion about boundaries and protecting the marriage. Instead of trying to stop her from using meetup groups suggest groups that are more appropriate and offer to join one with her. In my area there are so many groups whose main purpose is a fine hobby. Just last night one of the local climbing meetup groups were at the climbing gym I use. One of my friends likes the hiking meetups. With that you get a chance to explore the local area outdoors.

But it's all about boundaries. Read up on them here and have a boundary discussion with your wife.
that, or just go along with her! That is an excellent way for you two to bond, find new couples friends.
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post #19 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 07:48 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

To me the big deal isn't about her going, it's about her attitude.....not telling you, blowing you off, etc. Are you approachable about this, or have you "downed" her in any way about not getting along with your friends wifes and such? Why are you not taking her places and meeting new people together?

I am a very social creature myself, and have moved for a marriage before where I knew no one. It is VERY isolating. My ex did NOTHING to help me meet people, including not ever taking me out. I did meet neighbors and such, which helped (but we all had kids.) I finally ended up going to school and made friends there.

My suggestion is to not worry so much about the website, but get to the bottom of why she felt the need to exclude you from her plans.
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post #20 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 07:53 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.
Red flag, so you guys are married and your honeymoon phase of the relationship is not even over yet.

OUCH

You might be in for a shock within the next year/1.5 years......but clearly you are in shock ALREADY.

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We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.
So that's good, did you communicate your feelings and she agreed? Or didn't go "because you didn't let her"?

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Fast forward two weeks. She joins a young professionals social networking group on the website (this was formerly labeled as single young professionals) that I didn't know about, as I'm not really familiar with how the meetup.com thing works. We get into an argument and she texts me saying she's going out tonight, and that's it. No indication of where or with who, etc. The next day we're out for lunch and she tells me that she had a good time at the meetup.com event and also tells me that it was not a girls night out, there were guys and girls and they went to Dave & Busters to play games and went to a lounge afterward. I'm furious at this point and she says it was strictly a professional networking event and she wasn't looking to date anyone or anything like that. I'm a guy and I know how guys think and she even made a few comments about some of the guys wanting to exchange numbers with the girls, etc. but that none of them did.
She is putting herself into very dangerous situations......that are inappropriate and disrespectful towards you and your marriage/relationship.


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Am I in the wrong for really being upset about this? I understand she's relatively new in town but aren't there other ways to go out and make friends that don't involve going to bars and clubs and drinking at mixers? Maybe if she had invited me I would feel different, but that wasn't the case. How do I tell her I don't like the whole meetup.com concept and ask her to delete her account without coming off as controlling or overly jealous?

I'm 29, she's 27.
Forget about meet up.

Bar/club is not an appropriate place to be in as a married adult. ESPECIALLY one that's in the 20s.

Also, leaving you out of this, while she is drinking and in that environment is extremely concerning to you.

I would ask her why she didn't want to invite you? This is probably your biggest concern. As a married couple, you 2 should be doing things together.

She also needs to understand and accept that she is putting herself into an EXTREMELY vulnerable position by getting drunk with bunch of strangers from the internet WITHOUT YOU.

It's unacceptable, inappropriate and disrespectful.

It has NOTHING to do with "going out".
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post #21 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 08:19 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Sounds like she wants to be married but lead the life of a single party girl...cake-eater.

Does she work?
Devil's advocate here:

First, let me say that going to a singles meetup is a no-no, duh. But to be fair, that particular group was previously listed as a singles meetup, then changed to a 'professionals' meetup. It is entirely possible that she is/was nave enough to think that it would be strictly professional (despite being at D&B... )

Anyway, how do we know that OP wasn't invited? Not just to that particular one?

I'm almost 40. I meet people the old fashioned way (by yelling at them to get off my lawn). People under 30 do things differently, like meet new people online. For the most part, the under 30 crowd has grown up with the online world, and pretty much everything is done that way. Meeting new people isn't any different, but it's a concept that is relatively foreign to those of us at a certain age or higher. By the time the internet caught fire, I was already in my early 20's, and very few people had cell phones. Texting didn't exist, online dating didn't exist, no facebook, no camera phones, etc.

So, boundaries need to be discussed, obviously. That's a given.

But on the other side of things, this is how things are done nowadays. We have a new wife, in a new city, possibly with a husband that has no interest in meeting new people, helping his wife meet new people, or even going out socially.

There are better ways to do this on her part, but is she expected to sit at home and not be social? Is she expected to just be friends with the people her husband expects her to be friends with (ie. his friends and their wives)?

But agreed, absolutely, her choice of meetup groups needs to be revised to those that are marriage-friendly.

I blame age and a generational gap for this. Also lack of boundaries.

Also, what on earth is stopping him from going along with her?
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post #22 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 08:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Thank God for Meetup.com! Seriously, it's been a real life saver for my wife. She moved her to NYC after the marriage and since it takes her much longer to make friends than it does me, she was struggling for awhile. She has far fewer friends than I do, and almost none of them live here in the city. My wife and I have very different interests and are drawn often to very different kinds of people. She does meet ups from time to time and it's a great way for her to get out and about with like minded people and do the things that I have no interest in. She's met two of her best NY girls via meet ups.

Having said that I don't get it being used just for bars and clubs. The meet ups here in NYC cover a near endless amount of activities. Is it different there or is your wife just drawn to bars/clubs? Would you have a problem if she was into, for example, the culinary arts and did a meet up at a cooking and tasting class? Or is it strictly a club/bar thing? Did you know that she enjoyed bars/clubbing before marriage?

Also the fact that she wouldn't tell you where she was going is enormous. I can't even imagine my wife NOT telling me that basic info, for safety purposes alone, never mind out of pure respect. When my wife goes to a meet up I don't have to request said information, she volunteers it, when she's leaving the place, as well as the blow by blow happenings of the meet up after the fact.

But good luck trying to tell her that she shouldn't do meet ups at all because you have a problem with the entire concept. It's one thing to express displeasure about specific kinds of meet ups, another entirely to tell a grown ass woman that she can't go to a meet up because you just don't "get" the concept.
I have no issues with her doing meetups for things like painting class or cooking, etc. And I even said why does it have to be bars and that kind of thing? She said it's easier to meet people that way.
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post #23 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 08:49 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
I'm almost 40. I meet people the old fashioned way (by yelling at them to get off my lawn). People under 30 do things differently, like meet new people online. For the most part, the under 30 crowd has grown up with the online world, and pretty much everything is done that way. Meeting new people isn't any different, but it's a concept that is relatively foreign to those of us at a certain age or higher. By the time the internet caught fire, I was already in my early 20's, and very few people had cell phones. Texting didn't exist, online dating didn't exist, no facebook, no camera phones, etc.
I don't think there is an age issue or generation gap here with meetup. I'm in my fifties and my best friend was someone I met online from something similar to meetup. I was in my upper forties then and he was low thirties. In fact most of my current friends I met online. But then again I've been using the Internet since the 80s.

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I blame age and a generational gap for this. Also lack of boundaries.

Also, what on earth is stopping him from going along with her?
I'll go with boundaries. A singles group online or in person is not an appropriate place to find marriage friendly friends.

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post #24 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Thanks for all of the responses. Just to give a little back story on a few things like why I wasn't invited, etc...

When she originally ended up not going to the all girls meetup, it wasn't because I didn't let her, she said it was because she was tired that night. When she told me, she made it seem as if she were doing me a favor by not going "Aren't you relieved?" is what she said.

The day she DID go out (though she joined this group way before we started fighting) was because I had attended my sons fourth birthday party that afternoon, for about an hour, that my ex had put together. We have had some serious issues regarding my being at certain places for my son and my ex being around, etc. So she used this as a way to spite me for going to the birthday party. So when she text me and said she was going out, I tried talking to her when I got home and she went in the bedroom and closed the door, refusing to talk. I couldn't stand being there anymore, so I left the house and met up with one of my buddies and stayed talking with him until about 1AM. I got home at about 1:30 and she was awake but promptly got in bed when I walked through the door without saying anything. We didn't talk until she asked me to go to lunch the following day, which is when I found out it was a guys/girls event. After I really expressed how upset I was about her going to things like these, she said there was another one on Wednesday and she wanted me to go with her and I think she also got the point that I'm NOT ok with her attending these types of events. She is in a step moms club which is fine, by the other meetup groups are not ok with me. The problem is if I tell her I want her to delete her account or leave all of the meetup groups that I don't think are acceptable, she'll probably throw the whole controlling / jealous thing at me. I asked her how she would like it if I did the same thing and joined a group, and she said it was different because I already have my friends here.



Also, when people ask her why she moved to Texas she said it was because of work. She made no mention that she was married or that she moved here because of me, because according to her nobody talked about their personal lives.

Last edited by Cronos1247; 09-09-2014 at 12:44 PM.
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post #25 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 08:58 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

My advice: keep checking her account without her knowing. Don't let on that you know her password or she might change it. Sounds innocent so far.

Go to the events with her from now on.

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post #26 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 09:00 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?

You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
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post #27 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 09:09 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Yep boundary issues and now p*ssing contest... One of you needs to break that cycle. Resentment underlies a LOT of affairs. And right now its building between the two of you.

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post #28 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 09:16 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?

You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
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So you left her upset and alone to go to your son's birthday party and are mad because she went out too? I would have gone too. What have you done to help her feel accepted and appreciated since she's been there aside from her meeting (and obviously not caring for) your friend's wifes? Just how many similar interests do you guys actually share?
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post #29 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?

You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
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She was invited to the birthday and I told her I really wanted her to come.

Regarding my friends, she doesn't like being around my best friends wife because she's my exes cousin. In my wifes defense, I hated this same girl for the longest but tolerated her because she was married to my best friend (also my best man at our wedding).
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post #30 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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So you left her upset and alone to go to your son's birthday party and are mad because she went out too? I would have gone too. What have you done to help her feel accepted and appreciated since she's been there aside from her meeting (and obviously not caring for) your friend's wifes? Just how many similar interests do you guys actually share?
I didn't storm out and leave her there alone. She was at work and I told her I would wait for her so we could both go but she didn't want to. It's also worth mentioning that the week prior she told me she had booked a flight to CA and was going to stay with her cousin for a week, again without telling me before actually going through with it.
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