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post #46 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
So by itself this does sound ridiculous. But as someone that has some issues with my husband's ex I have to ask: is this really all there is to it? You have proper boundaries with your ex, your wife has never expressed issues with your boundaries, and this birthday email was the first time you've heard of issues with your ex? How does your ex treat your wife? Does she make snide remarks or just generally treat her like she's beneath her?

I ask this because my husband's ex has always had too much of her nose in his business, imo. When we met, while they hadn't been physically involved for a long time, the emotional ties hadn't quite been completely cut and I feel she resented that she had to give up that place in his life. Funny because they'd been divorced for 5 years and supposedly separated for 3 years before that.....We've had some awesome fights about this and he is getting a lot better, but we've also been together for over 9 years. She liked to make little snippy comments to me for the sole purpose of letting me know she'd been there first and since they had a daughter she was really more important in his life. Just very rude and disrespectful, I would never talk to a women my ex hb brings around like that. I put a stop to that myself, we won't get into how here, but my husband either played dumb for years or simply didn't want to get into it. That ultimately caused for damage. Just think about it.

It still sounds to me like you guys haven't combined your lives. Not that you should give up your friends but most of your time should be devoted to your wife, not your friends.
My EX and her have never really been around each other much and I don't speak with her regarding anything other than what pertains to my son. When me and my wife first got together, my ex would still text me things here and there that didn't have anything to do with my son (nothing inappropriate, just things about cooking or something irrelevant) and when I found out it didn't sit well with my wife, I put a stop to it. I don't live close to my friends or my ex, I actually live over an hour away and probably see my friends 3-4 times a year. My wife having issues with my best friends wife is starting to cause some drama also because she has given me the ultimatum of having her with me on my birthday OR having my friends with me on my birthday, because she said she won't be around the girl she doesn't like. We have some pretty intense fights and right now we're actually doing ok, which is why I haven't wanted to bring up the meetup.com thing to her and tell her to leave that group, etc. because I'll be in for another fight...

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post #47 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
How long were you married the first time and why did you guys split
And how long between your separation/divorce and the new marriage?

I'm not trying to blame you for your current wife's poor boundaries, btw. Just trying to understand (and help you understand) how you got into the situation you're in.

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post #48 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:31 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Sure, you're doing great as long as you let your wife do whatever she likes, which apparently includes a lot of "single girl" behaviors...

Dude... Read up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer".

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post #49 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:35 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?

You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
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I too am wondering why the wife didn't go to the step son's birthday party. I have 3 step sons and I have been to their birthday parties that were hosted by the mom. What a way to create a divide, that's not good.
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post #50 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

I belong to meetup and use it primarily for professional and social networking. I have never used it for dating and honestly, didn't get the impression from the goups I was/am in that anyone really did. Obviously dating scenarios can present themselves as they can in any social arrangement.

Being someone who has moved a lot, I found meetup to be a quick way to get into a social circle and expand from there. The meetings can be stale, professional training type events, or going out for drinks, or anything really.

She wants to be social and have a social life independent of you. That doesn't automatically mean she's looking for hookup opportunities. I think it's a good thing to have a some, limited, social life independent of your spouse.

Do you ever go out with friends without her? Same thing no?

These aren't always bad things. But your boundaries are your boundaries and you should stick to them.

"It's just the normal way a TAM thread meanders along. You could start a thread on whether you prefer real butter or margarine and by the time the thread runs it's course you are discussing quantum physics and it's relevance to c0ck rings." ~Wysh

Last edited by DvlsAdvc8; 09-05-2014 at 11:16 AM.
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post #51 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:52 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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I'm almost 40. I meet people the old fashioned way (by yelling at them to get off my lawn). People under 30 do things differently, like meet new people online. For the most part, the under 30 crowd has grown up with the online world, and pretty much everything is done that way. Meeting new people isn't any different, but it's a concept that is relatively foreign to those of us at a certain age or higher. By the time the internet caught fire, I was already in my early 20's, and very few people had cell phones. Texting didn't exist, online dating didn't exist, no facebook, no camera phones, etc.
Hmm, I just turned 35, so not that much younger than you, and not in the under 30 crowd. I'm not sure I buy the whole generational gap argument because you're making us sound like we missed the whole internet development. I had a cell phone as a college junior, with almost all my friends having one before me. I had internet in the 90s as a teenager, Myspace and Facebook in my 20s, and I have actual real life friends I met on the internet. Judging by your post it makes it sound like anyone over 30 basically grew up in the 1950s.

Lots of people are meeting folks via the internet and many, many of them are much older than us.
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post #52 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 10:56 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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It's going to sound a little ridiculous...

My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.
You know your current wife sounds really immature and she had to know that when she married you that you would have to communicate with your ex when it came to your child and when she gets bent out of shape of a stupid Spider Man website, then it's time you sit her down and in a serious way tell her to grow the hell up and start acting like an adult.

I have a feeling that if she would act adult, she wouldn't have to browse the internet trying to find friends but sooner or later with her immaturity, she going to get her ass in the ringer with these people so you better nip this in the bud PDQ.
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post #53 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

This is my first marriage.

My EX got pregnant a few months into our relationship and we stuck it out for about two years to try to make it work for our son. We just weren't getting a long for the last year of our relationship and the vibes were getting bad so we decided to call it quits, no hard feelings in the end.
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post #54 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:05 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

why couldn't yall make it work?

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post #55 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:07 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

So how long in between relationships? And what about counseling for you and your wife?

C
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post #56 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:08 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
She got into it with my EX and didn't want to be around her.
I don't blame her. Now I do not think she is so down with this marriage right now. She seems to be looking for a replacement.

My gut tells me she is not ok with your ongoing relationship with your EX. I totally get that you have a four year old son. Perhaps you need to separate activities more. Like have your own birthday with him.
Do you do family things with your EX and son still?

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post #57 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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I belong to meetup and use it primarily for professional and social networking. I have never used it for dating and honestly, didn't get the impression from the goups I was/am in that anyone really did. Obviously dating scenarios can present themselves as they can in any social arrangement.

Being someone who has moved a lot, I found meetup to be a quick way to get into a social circle and expand from there. The meetings can be stale, professional training type events, or going out for drinks, or anything really.

She wants to be social and have a social life independent of you. That doesn't automatically mean she's looking for hookup opportunities. I think it's a good thing to have a some, limited, social life independent of your spouse.

Do you ever go out with friends without her? Same thing no?
I mean it's one thing to go out to meetup events with just girls or something that doesn't involve drinking, but why put herself in the position where temptation is heightened and there's more occurrence for inappropriate behavior? It's not that I don't trust her, I could go sit in a room full of naked ladies and not do anything, but why create the scenario with a greater possibility?

I don't go out with friends without her, actually I never have except for my bachelor party.
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post #58 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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So how long in between relationships? And what about counseling for you and your wife?

C
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I separate with my EX September 2012 and started dating my now wife in February 2013.

Me and my wife met on a cruise in the Bahamas...her from CA and me from TX. After the cruise, I flew her down to Texas for a week and then we both flew back up to CA, we packed her apartment up and road tripped back to Texas. Have been together ever since.
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post #59 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:11 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

As is often the case with these type of threads, pertinent info only comes out after a sanitized OP.

So this isn't about Meetup.com at all. This is a drama about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend/mother of your child, you having the freedom to go out with your buddies till 1am without her and her moving to another state just to be with you, yet not getting on with your preexisting group. From her perspective I think it might look like you get to have all the cake you want, and eat it too.

Sounds like her doing the meetup and keeping you out of the loop is a part of this sad, destructive game of tit-4-tat you guys have going. That's likely to end in disaster.

Are you guys even in love? Are you passionate about each other? Do you communicate well at all? How much help have you provided in her social life in TX? Just seems like you have some pretty deep issues that are far beyond Meetup.
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post #60 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:11 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

I'm with jaquen. I LOVE meetup.com.

I go to meetups that are related to my skills and job. I love going, and talking computers with other people. It's not made to be a dating website. Although I'm sure it can be used that way.

You both need to sit down and talk about boundaries.
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