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post #61 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
I don't blame her. Now I do not think she is so down with this marriage right now. She seems to be looking for a replacement.

My gut tells me she is not ok with your ongoing relationship with your EX. I totally get that you have a four year old son. Perhaps you need to separate activities more. Like have your own birthday with him.
Do you do family things with your EX and son still?
No I don't do things with my EX and son at the time. Last year my sons birthday was at my moms house and my ex was there also though. This year his birthday was my EXes house. I told her last year that we could possibly do separate birthdays this year, but it didn't out like I thought. My friends wives are closer with my EX due to her being cousins with one so all of my friends and family even went to this party arranged by my EX.

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post #62 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:12 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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I belong to meetup and use it primarily for professional and social networking. I have never used it for dating and honestly, didn't get the impression from the goups I was/am in that anyone really did. Obviously dating scenarios can present themselves as they can in any social arrangement.

Being someone who has moved a lot, I found meetup to be a quick way to get into a social circle and expand from there. The meetings can be stale, professional training type events, or going out for drinks, or anything really.

She wants to be social and have a social life independent of you. That doesn't automatically mean she's looking for hookup opportunities. I think it's a good thing to have a some, limited, social life independent of your spouse.

Do you ever go out with friends without her? Same thing no?
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post #63 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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So how long in between relationships? And what about counseling for you and your wife?

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I actually spoke to a counselor yesterday and just need to ask my wife if she would like to go. Last time we got into a big argument related to my son/ex, I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, she told me to go by myself.
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post #64 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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As is often the case with these type of threads, pertinent info only comes out after a sanitized OP.

So this isn't about Meetup.com at all. This is a drama about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend/mother of your child, you having the freedom to go out with your buddies till 1am without her and her moving to another state just to be with you, yet not getting on with your preexisting group. From her perspective I think it might look like you get to have all the cake you want, and eat it too.

-I only went out with my buddy that one night that she went out to a club at a meetup.com event, I don't understand how that can be used against me in this context?


Sounds like her doing the meetup and keeping you out of the loop is a part of this sad, destructive game of tit-4-tat you guys have going. That's likely to end in disaster.

Are you guys even in love? Are you passionate about each other? Do you communicate well at all? How much help have you provided in her social life in TX? Just seems like you have some pretty deep issues that are far beyond Meetup.

-I've asked her if she still loves me and she says if she didn't she would be gone by now. Our communication may be a little off when we're heated because I'm the type to just shut down and not discuss it, while she's the type to resort to pretty harsh verbal abuse tactics.

-As for providing help with her social life, I've met some new people and have introduced her to their wives. Other than that I really don't know what else I can do to "help" her make new friends? We go out to festivals and what not.
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post #65 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:17 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

You've got too many lines crossing between your old life and your new one... that's the reason for wife being upset and if she doesn't think you don't get it, she isn't trusting you.

Your gut instinct to start having separate parties is correct.

If you have any friends throwing your ex in your wifes face, get rid of them.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
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post #66 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:17 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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No I don't do things with my EX and son at the time. Last year my sons birthday was at my moms house and my ex was there also though. This year his birthday was my EXes house. I told her last year that we could possibly do separate birthdays this year, but it didn't out like I thought. My friends wives are closer with my EX due to her being cousins with one so all of my friends and family even went to this party arranged by my EX.
So let me get this straight:

Your WIFE moves to another state to be with you. She's met with a social circle that's loyal and dedicated to your EX.

So how much effort have you put into finding new, mutual friends who don't have the history and baggage that comes with your EX? And I'm not talking about the wives of YOUR friends, I'm talking about mutual friends and couple friends?


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post #67 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:18 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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I mean it's one thing to go out to meetup events with just girls or something that doesn't involve drinking, but why put herself in the position where temptation is heightened and there's more occurrence for inappropriate behavior? It's not that I don't trust her, I could go sit in a room full of naked ladies and not do anything, but why create the scenario with a greater possibility?

I don't go out with friends without her, actually I never have except for my bachelor party.
Ah, well its apparent that you two have different views on socializing. Are you not permitted to attend these events with her? Does she demand to go alone?

"It's just the normal way a TAM thread meanders along. You could start a thread on whether you prefer real butter or margarine and by the time the thread runs it's course you are discussing quantum physics and it's relevance to c0ck rings." ~Wysh
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post #68 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:19 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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It's going to sound a little ridiculous...

My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.
That is just a symptom. Indeed not an issue. She does not want your EX wife in your life.

Is your EX remarried?

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post #69 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Originally Posted by jaquen View Post
So let me get this straight:

Your WIFE moves to another state to be with you. She's met with a social circle that's loyal and dedicated to your EX.

So how much effort have you put into finding new, mutual friends who don't have the history and baggage that comes with your EX?
That's what I'm working on now. I've made a few new friends that have no ties to my previous ones and she gets along relatively well with one of their wives, working on more. But am I supposed to cut ties with all of my previous friends of 20+ years? I've only grown up with about 4 close friends that I've known since I was around 7 years old.
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post #70 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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That is just a symptom. Indeed not an issue. She does not want your EX wife in your life.

Is your EX remarried?
She's not yet remarried (and I cannot WAIT until she is, it will be the happiest day of my life) but has had two different relationships so far. We're counting the days.

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post #71 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:20 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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That's what I'm working on now. I've made a few new friends that have no ties to my previous ones and she gets along relatively well with one of their wives, working on more. But am I supposed to cut ties with all of my previous friends of 20+ years? I've only grown up with about 4 close friends that I've known since I was around 7 years old.
No, but pay attention to how they treat your wife and it they treat her less than they should, call them on it and if they don't respond THEN get rid of them

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
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post #72 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:20 AM
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I actually spoke to a counselor yesterday and just need to ask my wife if she would like to go. Last time we got into a big argument related to my son/ex, I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, she told me to go by myself.
Is this her general attitude? Do what you like; she's fine the way she is and isn't going to work on the relationship?

What's her relationship background?

And if I understand your timeline correctly, within 6 months you went from being with your ex (living together? Just seeing each other?) to knowing this new girl for two weeks to living with her? Have things always been this "interesting", as far as your relationship with your wife? Was there always big blowup fights?

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post #73 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Is this her general attitude? Do what you like; she's fine the way she is and isn't going to work on the relationship?

What's her relationship background?

And if I understand your timeline correctly, within 6 months you went from being with your ex (living together? Just seeing each other?) to knowing this new girl for two weeks to living with her? Have things always been this "interesting", as far as your relationship with your wife? Was there always big blowup fights?

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She has been in a few long term relationships and had plenty more "partners" than me, which kind of irks me but I can live with it. She only had one long term relationship where her partner cheated on her.

There weren't always these crazy blow out fights, this is something new that just started happening after our wedding.

I lived with my EX for close to two years.
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post #74 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:24 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Might be a good idea to tell your wife that you do want to seek solution to this situation and that you are committed to getting it settled and putting accurate boundaries in place that work.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
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post #75 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:26 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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She has been in a few long term relationships and had plenty more "partners" than me, which kind of irks me but I can live with it. She only had one long term relationship where her partner cheated on her.

There weren't always these crazy blow out fights, this is something new that just started happening after our wedding.

I lived with my EX for close to two years.
That explains a lot... your wife has remaining trauma wounds from that that are playing out in your marriage, not in that she shouldn't be concerned but certainly explains her intenseness in her reactions.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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