Wife joined meetup.com? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 94Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:27 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,917
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
She's not yet remarried (and I cannot WAIT until she is, it will be the happiest day of my life) but has had two different relationships so far. We're counting the days.
I realize this is hyperbole, but why do you think this will be such a positive thing for you? From the sounds of things, you have relatively little interaction with your ex..

C
Posted via Mobile Device

PBear is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:27 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,380
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
That's what I'm working on now. I've made a few new friends that have no ties to my previous ones and she gets along relatively well with one of their wives, working on more. But am I supposed to cut ties with all of my previous friends of 20+ years? I've only grown up with about 4 close friends that I've known since I was around 7 years old.
Here's the thing, I'm in your shoes. My wife moved several states away just for me. I've got lots of close and best friends who mean the world to me. My wife has a few too, but most of them didn't live NY, which is where we live.

My wife and I are very different people. We do not have a mutual social circle, like many couples do. We have very independent social lives with almost no cross over. I think eventually that'll change, but we've been together for 14 years and so far this has worked beautifully for us.

My wife joined meetup.com to connect with people on here own. I've never been to a meet up so far. It's her thing, not mine, and I condone that. I'm free to go but I chose not to.

So I get it. But this isn't working for you guys.

Do the friends you have respect your wife? I would NEVER keep a friend around who doesn't have the utmost respect for my wife. Are any of these people opposed to your wife and your marriage?

You mention the wives of your friends. That's not necessarily good enough. How many friends are you and your wife making mutually? The husband's of my wife's friends are cool, but they sure aren't my friends. I don't make friends with people just because they're married to my wife's friends and perhaps your wife is the same. If you're going to marry your social lives perhaps the onus need to lie on building friends together.

I wouldn't cut my ties to friends and neither would my wife. Friendship is EXTREMELY important to both of us. But the separate social life thing seems to be hurting you so it need to change.
jaquen is offline  
post #78 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:30 AM
Member
 
Blossom Leigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7,343
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

1. reassure your wife you are handling this situation

2. set reasonable accurate boundaries that honors your marriage without abandoning your child OR appeasing your wife

3. Call wife out on any unreasonable fears or reactions in a constructive manner, asking her to choose better

4. Be prepared to reassure her more than you are going to want to or you think should be warranted. She has an emotional wound there that she didn't put there. BUT you also have to keep in mind you didn't cause her pain, you can't control it and you cant cure it, but you CAN support her as she wakes up to her own reality.

She needs therapy for that trauma.. keep working in that direction with her.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
Blossom Leigh is online now  
 
post #79 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:47 AM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,423
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

So your friends wives are friends of your ex and in your ex's camp, while your wife is the outsider. Not at all hard to see why she doesn't get on with them, you have this nice little circle of people in your ex's camp and you can't understand why this is a boundary issue? You don't have to cut off your friends but you're going to have to separate yourself from your ex's circle or you're going to be twice divorced. Probably not what you want to hear......I had some of the same crap with my hb and had he continued in his ex's circle we would not be together now. Ask yourself if these people are really friends of your wife and your marriage. I'd bet the answer is no.
Posted via Mobile Device
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #80 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 11:50 AM
Member
 
Blossom Leigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7,343
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

His ex is and ex GF not ex W

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
Blossom Leigh is online now  
post #81 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-08-2014, 09:52 PM
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,720
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jaquen View Post
Hmm, I just turned 35, so not that much younger than you, and not in the under 30 crowd. I'm not sure I buy the whole generational gap argument because you're making us sound like we missed the whole internet development. I had a cell phone as a college junior, with almost all my friends having one before me. I had internet in the 90s as a teenager, Myspace and Facebook in my 20s, and I have actual real life friends I met on the internet. Judging by your post it makes it sound like anyone over 30 basically grew up in the 1950s.

Lots of people are meeting folks via the internet and many, many of them are much older than us.
The 4 year difference between you and I is actually quite massive in regards to technological use, I promise you.

I have a smartphone, I use facebook, and I also had the internet as far back as 1994, 1995 (CompuServe, lol).

But I kid you not, a gap of 4 years is pretty wide when you're talking about how quickly the world became global.

By no means am I saying that things like meetup and tinder and _insert-name-here_ are solely used by the 20's crowd, but they (and even you) grew up in a much different time then I did, even though it's "only" 4 years.

Myself, and everybody I know who is around my age is completely computer and internet literate. I was at the tail end of the first generation of internet users at 18 or 19 years old. You would have been 13 or 14, which is a vastly different mindset. As in: your mind was still being molded.

Hell, I took keyboarding in high school. On a typewriter. My oldest is in his first year, and they use freakin' tablets as part of every day classes. His entire world is online in one way or another. Kids don't even use the phone part of the cell phone anymore, they just text.
alexm is online now  
post #82 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-08-2014, 10:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,380
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
The 4 year difference between you and I is actually quite massive in regards to technological use, I promise you.

I have a smartphone, I use facebook, and I also had the internet as far back as 1994, 1995 (CompuServe, lol).

But I kid you not, a gap of 4 years is pretty wide when you're talking about how quickly the world became global.

By no means am I saying that things like meetup and tinder and _insert-name-here_ are solely used by the 20's crowd, but they (and even you) grew up in a much different time then I did, even though it's "only" 4 years.

Myself, and everybody I know who is around my age is completely computer and internet literate. I was at the tail end of the first generation of internet users at 18 or 19 years old. You would have been 13 or 14, which is a vastly different mindset. As in: your mind was still being molded.

Hell, I took keyboarding in high school. On a typewriter. My oldest is in his first year, and they use freakin' tablets as part of every day classes. His entire world is online in one way or another. Kids don't even use the phone part of the cell phone anymore, they just text.
Good points. It also helps that I have two younger siblings and I have a large array of friends, many of whom are younger than me.
jaquen is offline  
post #83 of 100 (permalink) Old 09-08-2014, 10:28 PM
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,720
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
I actually spoke to a counselor yesterday and just need to ask my wife if she would like to go. Last time we got into a big argument related to my son/ex, I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, she told me to go by myself.
I'm not sure counselling is necessary just yet. You two need to sit down and (maturely) discuss the issues that you both have with each other first, and hopefully reach a resolution.

She moved several states over to be with you. You have a son and an ex wife. You have friends and a social circle.

On one hand, she should not expect you to drop all of that and "start fresh" just because she's now with you.

On the other hand, I can see why she'd be upset that she's basically moving right into your ex wife's spot, social life and all.

But... this is what one can generally expect when you get together with someone who has a kid, or kids, from a previous relationship. This is also what one can expect when you're moving a great distance to be with your partner, who is not moving anywhere.

I think both of you are at fault here. You DO need to make concessions and start over to some degree - for her sake.

And she should also be more accepting of your ex wife's role in your life, even if it's just as mother to your child.

She wants a different social circle, then go and find one - with her. You don't have to leave your old friends behind completely, but you do need to find people that the two of you (not just you) can be social with, comfortably.

Right now, I'm guessing, she doesn't feel like she's living HER life. She feels that she's living somebody else's, and it's already built in. She feels like a replacement.

FWIW, though, I don't think she's handling your ex wife all that well. When there's a child involved, the former partner is always going to be there. You put your game face on and accept it, whether you like them or not. My step son's father trumps me in all aspects regarding to them, and I accept that. I have my say, and I do my thing, but ultimately, most things are up to my wife and her ex when it comes to the kids. Not me, and not his current wife.

I'm not a huge fan of his, and my wife knows that, but I smile and nod and maintain a friendly atmosphere.

It's part of being with someone who has kids with somebody else. You suck it up and accept it for what it is, because THAT part of your relationship is not about YOU.
alexm is online now  
post #84 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:33 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Here's an update to this story 2.5 years later for those still following. Wife leaves hubby because he refuses to change, set boundaries, and stand up for her against those bullies he refused to acknowledge. While separated and with divorce in process, hubby knocks up random and tells wife to "go home to CA". Immediately after divorce is finalized, OP and random have a shotgun wedding. Ex wife knows she made the best decision to get the hell out while the two baby mamas pretend to live happily ever after. True story.
Heidi ho is offline  
post #85 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:58 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: melbourne australia
Posts: 7
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

could make a movie from the script
how did you find out Heidi ho

Dan Moloney is online now  
post #86 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:10 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Lol he loves forums and isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to unique usernames. I'm new to this but remember back in the day while still together when the first ex was always spying on us and found his initial threads and shared them with others. That's how I even knew he was doing this. I told him to delete them but guess he didn't. Thanks for putting us on blast honey 😂
Heidi ho is offline  
post #87 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:32 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

In retrospect, me and OP definitely rushed the relationship. I was young and couldn't handle the dynamics. I was his first gf after they broke up so he didn't manage it well either. I didn't wanna give him an ultimatum but his mother made it worse by choosing sides and I was clearly the outsider. It was me vs the baby mama, MIL, and their circle of friends. Ultimately I told him I didn't wanna put him in this position and it would be easiest if I left the picture, to save us from anymore heartache and headaches! We made the right decision. We were both young enough to start fresh and I think we now found our true social circles.
Heidi ho is offline  
post #88 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:50 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,315
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi ho View Post
In retrospect, me and OP definitely rushed the relationship. I was young and couldn't handle the dynamics. I was his first gf after they broke up so he didn't manage it well either. I didn't wanna give him an ultimatum but his mother made it worse by choosing sides and I was clearly the outsider. It was me vs the baby mama, MIL, and their circle of friends. Ultimately I told him I didn't wanna put him in this position and it would be easiest if I left the picture, to save us from anymore heartache and headaches! We made the right decision. We were both young enough to start fresh and I think we now found our true social circles.
So you are the OP's wife? Or the wife he started this thread about?
EleGirl is offline  
post #89 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:53 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Currently op's ex wife. Can this thread be deleted?
Heidi ho is offline  
post #90 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:56 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,315
Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi ho View Post
Currently op's ex wife. Can this thread be deleted?

No the thread cannot be deleted.

The thread was long dead. If you did not want it out there, why did you resurrect it?

You are anonymous here. No one knows who you are.
EleGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Meetup clubs, may diminish meeting the crazy's ladylaker Life After Divorce 37 03-27-2014 05:40 PM
Meetup Numb in Ohio Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 02-15-2013 09:00 PM
Anyone ever try to organize a meetup? COguy The Social Spot 73 09-22-2012 06:41 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome