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post #1 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Wife joined meetup.com?

Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.

We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.

Fast forward two weeks. She joins a young professionals social networking group on the website (this was formerly labeled as single young professionals) that I didn't know about, as I'm not really familiar with how the meetup.com thing works. We get into an argument and she texts me saying she's going out tonight, and that's it. No indication of where or with who, etc. The next day we're out for lunch and she tells me that she had a good time at the meetup.com event and also tells me that it was not a girls night out, there were guys and girls and they went to Dave & Busters to play games and went to a lounge afterward. I'm furious at this point and she says it was strictly a professional networking event and she wasn't looking to date anyone or anything like that. I'm a guy and I know how guys think and she even made a few comments about some of the guys wanting to exchange numbers with the girls, etc. but that none of them did.

Am I in the wrong for really being upset about this? I understand she's relatively new in town but aren't there other ways to go out and make friends that don't involve going to bars and clubs and drinking at mixers? Maybe if she had invited me I would feel different, but that wasn't the case. How do I tell her I don't like the whole meetup.com concept and ask her to delete her account without coming off as controlling or overly jealous?

I'm 29, she's 27.

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post #2 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 04:28 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

First off, you're feelings are never wrong. That's just the way you feel. You can't control your feelings.

I think your expectations are reasonable. I wouldn't tolerate similar behavior from my wife. My wife is a member of Meetup, but only participates in groups for mothers with young children.

You need to calmly discuss your feelings with your wife and agree to boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with her attending, that should be enough for her to stop the behavior. If she refuses, demand that you attend with her.

Obviously, some groups are for singles looking to meet other singles, but it sounds like your wife is playing in the dangerous gray area.

Good luck.
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post #3 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 04:45 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

You are NOT wrong.

She obviously has poor boundaries and is asking for trouble.

Put your foot down and stop this... or you go along to see what all the fun is about.
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post #4 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 04:51 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.

We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.

Fast forward two weeks. She joins a young professionals social networking group on the website (this was formerly labeled as single young professionals) that I didn't know about, as I'm not really familiar with how the meetup.com thing works. We get into an argument and she texts me saying she's going out tonight, and that's it. No indication of where or with who, etc. The next day we're out for lunch and she tells me that she had a good time at the meetup.com event and also tells me that it was not a girls night out, there were guys and girls and they went to Dave & Busters to play games and went to a lounge afterward. I'm furious at this point and she says it was strictly a professional networking event and she wasn't looking to date anyone or anything like that. I'm a guy and I know how guys think and she even made a few comments about some of the guys wanting to exchange numbers with the girls, etc. but that none of them did.

Am I in the wrong for really being upset about this? I understand she's relatively new in town but aren't there other ways to go out and make friends that don't involve going to bars and clubs and drinking at mixers? Maybe if she had invited me I would feel different, but that wasn't the case. How do I tell her I don't like the whole meetup.com concept and ask her to delete her account without coming off as controlling or overly jealous?

I'm 29, she's 27.
Yeah, this would not be ok with me. She was somewhat in your face about it. She should have done this as a couple.

She is right it was not a GNO. It was hanging out with single folks it seems. Deeper issues here. Too much drama for me.

Sigh.

Jealous, Insecure and Controlling. Shaming words. But hey, why do you care? If this is not ok with you then that is an issue.

Do you have kids? Assuming not. It does not sound like you guys agreed upon boundaries.

Try doing His Needs Her Needs together and get some boundaries agreed upon.

Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
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post #5 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 05:08 PM
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My first thought was to question how much you and your wife do to socialize together. Have you been open to finding new "couples" friends? She moved there to be with you, but you can't expect your buddies wives to be her friend.

Second, meetup is a mixed bag, in my experience. There's some groups that are likely safe, and others are a meetup market. Your wife is making poor decisions. You're making poor decisions by not going out with her.

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post #6 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 06:26 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Thank God for Meetup.com! Seriously, it's been a real life saver for my wife. She moved her to NYC after the marriage and since it takes her much longer to make friends than it does me, she was struggling for awhile. She has far fewer friends than I do, and almost none of them live here in the city. My wife and I have very different interests and are drawn often to very different kinds of people. She does meet ups from time to time and it's a great way for her to get out and about with like minded people and do the things that I have no interest in. She's met two of her best NY girls via meet ups.

Having said that I don't get it being used just for bars and clubs. The meet ups here in NYC cover a near endless amount of activities. Is it different there or is your wife just drawn to bars/clubs? Would you have a problem if she was into, for example, the culinary arts and did a meet up at a cooking and tasting class? Or is it strictly a club/bar thing? Did you know that she enjoyed bars/clubbing before marriage?

Also the fact that she wouldn't tell you where she was going is enormous. I can't even imagine my wife NOT telling me that basic info, for safety purposes alone, never mind out of pure respect. When my wife goes to a meet up I don't have to request said information, she volunteers it, when she's leaving the place, as well as the blow by blow happenings of the meet up after the fact.

But good luck trying to tell her that she shouldn't do meet ups at all because you have a problem with the entire concept. It's one thing to express displeasure about specific kinds of meet ups, another entirely to tell a grown ass woman that she can't go to a meet up because you just don't "get" the concept.


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post #7 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 06:32 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Unless its to meet other mothers etc, I would question why you are not included.
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post #8 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 08:23 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Separate issues. Simly walking out without telling you where she is going is extremely disrespectful.

The dave and busyers thing if true, beats a dance club. She sort of sounds despeate to get away from you.

Catching the cheater:
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post #9 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 08:56 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

It depends upon the meetup.com group she's participating in. There's one for single fathers for example. There's some for Salsa dancing.

If she's on one for singles meeting other singles, then that is a serious problem.
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post #10 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 10:07 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

like others say, there are good groups, and groups more for singles. The dave and busters thing, why did she not want you to go with her?

If it was a mushroom pickers group, I would worry less.

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post #11 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 10:12 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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like others say, there are good groups, and groups more for singles. The dave and busters thing, why did she not want you to go with her?

If it was a mushroom pickers group, I would worry less.
Many of the sex-starved here are "mushrooms", they get no sunlight and bad air.
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post #12 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 10:26 PM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cronos1247 View Post
Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.

We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.

Fast forward two weeks. She joins a young professionals social networking group on the website (this was formerly labeled as single young professionals) that I didn't know about, as I'm not really familiar with how the meetup.com thing works. We get into an argument and she texts me saying she's going out tonight, and that's it. No indication of where or with who, etc. The next day we're out for lunch and she tells me that she had a good time at the meetup.com event and also tells me that it was not a girls night out, there were guys and girls and they went to Dave & Busters to play games and went to a lounge afterward. I'm furious at this point and she says it was strictly a professional networking event and she wasn't looking to date anyone or anything like that. I'm a guy and I know how guys think and she even made a few comments about some of the guys wanting to exchange numbers with the girls, etc. but that none of them did.

Am I in the wrong for really being upset about this? I understand she's relatively new in town but aren't there other ways to go out and make friends that don't involve going to bars and clubs and drinking at mixers? Maybe if she had invited me I would feel different, but that wasn't the case. How do I tell her I don't like the whole meetup.com concept and ask her to delete her account without coming off as controlling or overly jealous?

I'm 29, she's 27.

You don't. You say, "Alright. Well, it seems you have kept up with this site and have plans. I'm leaving for awhile, and I will come back in 2 days. If in that time you have not quit this ridiculous social bullsh!t site and others like it, hiding, and partial-truths, we need to talk about moving on, because these behaviors are unsafe, and disrespectful dealbreakers to the sanctity of our union." You bring the seriousness to her door, turn off the phone and go dark. Relax in a hotel to cool off. Come back in 2 days, and let her realize you are a MAN and you are serious about your demands. Women respect men who stick to their guns. She will probably go through the stages of anger--->remorse, and needs to BEG forgiveness. If she flares up, gets angry, or starts becoming disrespectful (it is PARAMOUNT you are calm and logical...), you say "I will now leave and come back at my discretion. I refuse to be disrespected and demand an apology upon my return." You aren't putting a leash on her or controlling her fun time or who she hangs out with; you are establishing boundaries. You need not mention the "not invited" bit--that's irrelevant and she could attack that. Your focus is boundaries, safe methods of mingling with other COUPLES, and not putting oneself in compomising situations. Just IMHO
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post #13 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 02:15 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

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Many of the sex-starved here are "mushrooms", they get no sunlight and bad air.
and are liberally fed horsesh*t
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post #14 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 06:02 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

I wouldn't be cool with that.

You can't control her, but you can control what you put up with.

Why is it that you and your wife can't hang-out together?
Can't you guys find other couples to hang out with?
How much time to you spend with each other, regularly?
Why is she so focused on meeting people outside of your relationship?

Sounds like she wants to be married but lead the life of a single party girl...cake-eater.

Does she work?
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post #15 of 106 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 06:33 AM
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Re: Wife joined meetup.com?

I belong to meetup and know a lot of other people that do too. But I don't think how she's using it is cool; I belong to a few groups that share my interests but they're not singles groups. People join singles groups for one reason.....at minimum there's some poor boundaries here. You could either demand she stop or you could join a couple of singles groups yourself and see how she likes it. I'm a fan of what's good for you is good for me. A little empathy goes a long way.

Having said that you guys do need to find couples to hang out with.
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