My wife of 18 years it seems has checked out of our marriage. She has slept on the couch for 5 months now, it was supposed to be because I snored too loud. She had asked for a divorce two months prior to sleeping on the couch,because at that time she thought I treated her mean and was selfish, and to a degree I was. In that 7 month span we have had sex once. That sexual experience 2 months ago was when I knew that our marriage was in trouble. She didn't feel right inside, and she seemed rushed and bothered. She mentioned to me as we were having sex that "I need to understand a woman's body" WTF??? I don't study women's bodies, but after 18 years I think I would have a clue about her body. So we continued after that experience of no intimacy or sex and light conversation. I would ask about sex and she would say, NO because you don't listen to me and you like to do your thing without respecting my wishes. We had some financial issues with our mortgage and the IRS, due to some of my doings with finances. So a month ago we finally sat down and talked about the future, and she said that she wasnt interested in having sex with me or anyone else, In fact she said she would'nt stop me if I wanted to have sex with someone else. She says she isn't having an affair, but I'm beginning to wonder. She also said that maybe MC would help us. So far we have had two sessions, and it seemed to help us with talking about our problems, and we have good days where we are talking and having great conversations, and then days when she doesn't want to talk at all and just lays on the couch with her SONY reader. I have tried to initiate intimacy with mixed results. So far she has kissed me on the lips once since going to the MC two weeks ago. She is only comfortable with the cheek, hugs and hand holding are off the table. If I compliment her she gets annoyed with me. She also has stopped wearing her ring, and now claims she can't find it. If she doesn't want to work on our marriage, I wish she would just say that and stop with the melodrama. I love her, but realize that I have to give her space, and limit my communication to her. I have two kids 17 yo girl and 11 yo boy, it saddens me that they have to witness this spectacle of a marriage.I'm at my wits end in showing her that I understand my part in the breakdown of our marriage, and she has even mentioned that it wasn't all my fault. But I'm slowly dying inside to have the woman I love slowly push me away until I have no love left to give.
Hi! Being a "emotionally detached wife" myself, I want to give you my perspective.
Over the years, my H has slowly stopped giving me what I need. I've sat down w/him trying to get him on board with making some changes. It would be good for a couple of weeks and slowly regress back to the old ways.
I have (over time) built up bitterness and resentment towards him. I've been rejected (sexually) and it hit me hard. First I dwelled on it being me...I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm unattractive etc.
But then, I woke up. I get compliments from men (some half my age) all the time. When I was on Facebook, had people hit on me all the time and realized, maybe it's NOT me. Anyway....I put up a wall. I said, "This man (who is supposed to love and want me like no other) isn't going to hurt me anymore".....and here I am....separated and trying to figure it all out.
If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages", please do.
Could be your not loving her the way she feels loved and visa versa. Seriously, give it a read...it's not a very long book at all.
As far as an affair, I would say it's possible. Shoot...anything is possible. You need to know if she is, because that could be clouding her judgement and keeping your MC sessions from really helping.
Stay in therapy, my H refuses to go and I go alone. It helps, I really believe it will.
I wish you the best of luck....come here often to get some insight and support.
Be kind to your wife, but don't let her walk all over you. Remember the man she married....she loved him and had NO walls up for him