losin'love

Don't know where exactly to start. I'll say that it seems like my husband is living a double life....not that he really is, but I am still uncomfortable! When he's home, he is such a loving husband and father and acts like there's nothing better in life and he would not trade it to be anywhere else. But when he goes out with his friends or when he's home alone he seems to turn into this other guy. Now, the crazy thing is, I am obviously not with him at these times, so how do I really know if he is that different?! I've been told so and seen things he writes when he's not around me. He turns into an immature, wanna-be single guy. My least favorite thing right now is Facebook. He'll get on there and turn into his other self. Is there a nice way to tell him I want him to cancel his account? I have told him many times I don't like him being on it, but he just laughs it off. I am not on Facebook because of privacy issues. But I don't want to be that kind of wife, trying to run his life, telling a grown man he can't have an online account. But I want him to respect my thoughts on it too! Is there a good compromise possible here? Please let me hear it from an outsiders view!

dakotamontana

get a fake facebook account for urself and see whats going on...just watch that he doesnt know its you.

Hausfrau

I know exactly what you mean, because my husband was much the same way. His whole online persona was different...the jokes he told, the way he interacted with others...hard to describe but it definitely bothered me. In talking to him about it, he and I have both realized that was a way for him to temporarily escape from his real life where he saw himself as just boring middle-aged dad and husband....a far cry from the "cool" and "fun" guy he used to be. His whole facebook persona was really an attempt to get some of that " old self" back.

Unfortunately, in my case, being "cool" and "fun" led to his having cool, fun, and totally inappropriate chats with a young female coworker...which led to an eventual year-long EA....which led me to this forum.

Certainly, I'm not saying that's what's happening in your case. Are you clear on what, exactly, about this behavior is bothering you? He probably thinks it's harmless, so be prepared to explain to him how this is affecting your feelings and relationship.

Also, I probably wouldn't demand that he delete his account, because most people resent being told what to do. Perhaps he'd give you his password? Or maybe you could get an account, friend him, and not post anything...that wouldn't violate your privacy but would give you access to the stuff he's putting on his wall.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

827Aug

Well, I had my share of problems with FB too. I now believe it is an unnecessary temptation in a marriage. And it also seems to be an addiction with some people. As a compromise, perhaps suggest you and your husband share a FB account as a couple. No more individual accounts. I know this has worked real well for some couples.

It sounds as though you've got a bigger problem than just FB though. How long have you been married? Children? You may want to do some more "digging" where your husband's double life is concerned. Are you sure he is really going out with guy friends? Is he utilizing web sites other than just FB? I ask because my estranged husband really was living a double life. Unfortunately, my estraged husband's guy friends (& brother) were simply covering for him.

Bad News

Don't bother with a fake account, get a legitimate account friend your husband and then you'll see what he's writing and his friends. Be upfront and tell him that some or all of his post are disrespectful and that it hurts your feelings. Telling him to cancel or joining the account appears controlling, in my opinion. If he wants to stray he'll eventually stray regardless of FB, if he's otherwise faithful but likes to post things you find inappropriate, keep telling him it hurts you feelings - if he loves you he'll tone it down or eventually stop. Good luck!

Shoto1984

Couldn't agree with 827Aug more. "an unnecessary temptation to marriage". I think a marriage is best served when there are no secrets, except maybe what you got each other for Valentines Day. Its not about being pushy or intrusive its about what brings you closer or pushes you apart. In my experience seperate accounts in email or FB etc only leads to trouble. In my case my wife got into a lot of trouble with her FB accont and it nearly ended our marriage. It seems a FB account is a great becon for old romantic partners to establish new contact....

2sick

Agree completely!!!! FB may not create the urge within a person to stray but it sure as hell creates an unnecessary temptation and more frustration and heart ache than need be!! And yes you can become his friend but it won't stop him from "chatting" or "private messaging" which you can't see as just a friend. Go with your gut feelings! Only you know your husband best...what does it feel like to you?!?!?!?

Good luck!!!!