I fell in love and married two different people
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I fell in love and married two different people

I’ve been married almost 5 months and I feel like I was completed tricked into marrying someone completely different than who I proposed to and fell in love with. Prior to our marriage, we never fought. My wife was loving, caring, unselfish. We were a team. Since we’ve been married, she’s done a complete 180 and has admitted that she purposely changed. Her reasoning is that she moved in with me in a completely new city without knowing anybody so anytime she had an issue prior to marriage, she claims she bit her tongue so not to cause any problems. Now that she has established roots and friends and career here, she says she can now be herself. Unfortunately, she has become unbelievably selfish and unempathetic since we’ve been married and we are no longer a team. This has led to constant arguments and irrational, impulsive and aggressive behavior from my wife in the past 5 months. We’ve gone to counseling a few times but she decided she didn’t want to go anymore because she said she felt worse after going. I disagreed with her but she gets very defensive when you try to convince her to do something she doesn’t want to do. What scares me is that she’s turning into her mother, which she swore she wouldn’t do when we were engaged. Her mother is bipolar, on medication and emotionally unstable. Her parents’ relationship consists of her mother having one of her fits and her father taking it and doing and saying nothing. Obviously this was a concern prior to marriage, but I was assured that she was nothing like her mother and didn’t want to be anything like her mother, yet she admitted in one of our counseling sessions post marriage that she’s more like her mother than she thought and it scares the hell out of me.

She has said repeatedly that she doesn’t want to be the stereotypical married couple who are “boring”, leading to her spending a lot of time with girlfriends and who happen to be single and planning vacations with them. After getting married, she’s trying to exert her independence and admittedly so. By doing so her prioritiues have shifted and I am no longer the #1 priority in her life. I don’t necessarily have an issue with spending time with girlfriends, but she has absolutely no concept of money and doesn’t care that to go out and do things costs money. Her philosophy is if she wants something, she’s going to do it and worry about money later. I am very in tune with finances and the idea of planning for the future but money is the least of my concerns at this point.

Age could be part of the problem as there is a 10 year gap and she definitely has some growing up to do. We love each other very much but I’m starting to feel like I made a huge mistake. I think she liked the idea of being married but has not the first clue on what a marriage is or what’s important in a marriage. I’ve asked her numerous times what she thinks a marriage is and either she can’t answer it or brings up only the emotional aspects. I’m hearing the words “I” and “Me” a lot instead of “Us” and “We” and I feel like I’m the only one in this partnership. I fell in love and proposed to one person and married someone completely different. I’m getting to the end of my rope and don’t know what to do.
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Old 02-16-2011, 02:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

I am sorry to be blunt, but do you want to end it now?

My husband wants out and I stongly believe that he has no idea how much effort need to be put into maintain a marriage. He goes out with friends (most of them are single) for guy time or drinks to get wasted and stays at his brother's or his friends' for the night. I didn't think it was a big deal coz I wanted him to be happy, as long as he knows his boundries. But he does it to the point that he takes my trust and respect for him for granted.

He doesn't use money wisely either. I always have to tell him to think twice before he makes any purchase. I don't want to be like his mom but I have no choice because I can't afford to be bankrupt.

He has dropped the D bomb 3 times in recent 2 years. I thought that my love for him will make him see that this marriage is worth to be cherished. I was so wrong. I had to wait till I was treated like a doormat to call it quits. P.s. we have been married 4.5 years now. He has put himself as #1 and then the dogs, and then me. I wish I could've left when I cought him cheating in the second year of our marriage.
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Old 02-16-2011, 03:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

You mention her mother has bipolar and that she is acting a lot like her mother. If so, the first thing I want to say is that if she is acting like her mother, it is possible that your wife also has bipolar, and if that's the case, no matter how much she might not want to be like her mother, it's not something she can choose to do or not do. Bipolar requires medication and treatment in order to avoid the cycling and highs and lows of it. I would seriously consider, based on your words that her mother is bipolar and she is acting like her mother, finding some way to get her in to a doctor to see if that's what's going on.

If she's simply immature, financially irresponsible and selfish, well, then you have a choice: either wait it out until she grows up some and hope that that solves the financial issues and the selfishness, or decide that this is who she is and she will not change, and get out.

Honestly, the fact that she has essentially told you she acted all sweet and nice so that you would marry her and now she's going to be herself...well, there's someone on this site that has a quote in their signature, I can't remember who the member is or who the quote is attributed to, but it basically says that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I think she's shown you who she is. If bipolar isn't causing this, or it is and she refuses to get treatment, then this is who you are married to. Based on that, decide if you really want to stay married to her.
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

Sit her down with the finances. Show the incoming money, and outgoing bills per month. and show money spent on things like eating out and vacations.

Between the two of you mutually agree to a budget.

Agree on discretionary spending.

Agree on what level of a purchase requires the two of you to agree to it without consultation.

Agree on what requires consultation. Agree on what is a reasonable amount of time and money on travel, eating out, etc.

Agree on a long-term plan for putting money away for later. 401k plans? Investing? Home purchase?

If you two have never satisfactorily addressed these issues, she will just spend on whatever satisfies her right now.
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

I hate to say this, and hate to use my own daughter as an example - but she might be bipolar and you are in for a rough, long ride.

My daughter was bright, smart, funny and independent when she married her husband 4 years ago. During that four years she threw fits (sometimes violent), become an alcoholic, did exactly what she wanted when she wanted, spent money as if there was an unlimited supply and refused to work--alcohol and her "cats" became her #1 priority. Her husband, I, her father, grandmother, brother - NO ONE could talk any sense into her and get her to see what she was doing to her life and those around her (there was a 6-year age gap - she was younger). Fast forward - she was diagnosed with bi-polar last year. Wouldn't take her meds regularly, still unbalanced and still drinking - almost torpedoed her husband's military career before it even got off the ground.

As of today, she sits in jail where she has been since the 7th of January when she threatened her husband, hit a cop and then hit a nurse while she was being booked into jail. She is awaiting trial on 3 felony charges and will sit in jail until her trial. Her husband has filed for divorce and it will be final next month.

NOW - she has discovered that guess what - she needs to take her meds daily, she has to quit drinking (no choice now, can't drink in jail) and she NOW wants to turn things around - too bad she didn't make that choice before she ended up in jail.

So the moral of the story being - she just might be bi-polar as it is a genetic and hereditary condition, and, if she is - things will get much worse. She won't admit it, won't think she has to take meds, won't go to counselling and won't do what's necessary to keep her on an even keel. She'll have manic and depressive episodes.

Don't wait 4 years until it almost destroys you. Have her see a psychiatrist, if she won't, then run-run-run as fast as you can. Unfortunately, if she is bi-polar and not diagnosed, your life will become a living hell.

I'm telling you this as a mother of a bi-polar daughter whom I love dearly. I feel sorry for my soon to be ex-SIL and wished he would have bailed sooner - he had a miserable four years.

Do some research and think very "seriously" before you take on this issue, if she is, in fact - mentally unstable and possibly bi-polar, you will save yourself a lot of future heartache.
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Old 02-16-2011, 05:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

She could also have a Borderline Personality Disorder instead.
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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If I may ask, what age group are the 2 of you in (ak is she 20ish and you are 30ish?)

How long did you know her prior to getting married? Did you live together at all?

I have known a couple of people who have/had bipolar spouses. Interestingly, what was common in their situations was that the bipolar partner was aware of their condition to some degree and when they found a potential "spouse" they pushed for marriage quickly (within a yr of meeting)....this was because they knew they could not maintain their behavior indefinitely. In one case the family actually helped hide her condition from the unsuspecting spouse. The gal had not sought treatment/meds for almost a decade - she had kids, her behavior was bizarre and violent at times. The family later acknowledged to the unsuspecting spouse when their marriage was falling apart. Her parents essentially had to take her back and force her into professional care (as they had when she was a teen!). It was a terribly sad story, her husband has never gotten over it, or the "betrayal". fyi she was also diagnosed with that borderline personality disorder.

I'm not sure if this is applicable to you but your post had some similarities. In the situation with the gal whose family "helped" her....I genuinely believe she just wanted a normal life, her family wanted that for her as well. I'm not excusing their actions, and sadly in both cases the marriages fell apart but after serious turmoil, children were later involved.....it was pretty awful. The gal I mention, she never remarried, unable to work, under decades of treatment and is still cared for by her family, she's in her late 50's now. They had children and the kids paid a dear price along the way. She is rather interesting in her own right (very artistic), but to this day, she is unable to see the damage she did to her spouse and children. When speaking about the years of trauma...every comment relates back to herself, how it affects HER. Its unnerving when you start to recognize her extreme narcissism.

I'm not trying to scare you but if any of this should this resonate with you, you may want to consider what you are up against, for both of your sakes.

Good luck, Leah
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Old 02-17-2011, 08:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

I appreciate the feedback. I obviously don't want to end anything, especially after 5 months. This sudden change in behavior after getting married is just extremely confusing to me. To answer the age question, I'm in my mid/late 30s and she's in her mid/late 20s.

Looking more into it, I think BPD fits better than bipolar. Ironically, I had a history of dating girls with BPD. Difference this time is it wasn't evident right away.
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Old 02-17-2011, 09:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

Oh, boy. If your wife is a borderline, you've got your work cut out for you. My daughter is a diagnosed borderline, and I have no doubt as to the truth of that.

Please check out BPDfamily.com. There is a forum for spouses of borderlines. Just do some reading, and see if anything resonates with you.
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Old 02-17-2011, 11:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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She could also have a Borderline Personality Disorder instead.
True - but either one will make his life a living hell, especially if she won't recognize it and get treatment.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I fell in love and married two different people

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Don't wait 4 years until it almost destroys you. Have her see a psychiatrist, if she won't, then run-run-run as fast as you can.

Do some research and think very "seriously" before you take on this issue, if she is, in fact - mentally unstable and possibly bi-polar, you will save yourself a lot of future heartache.
Sorry to say you have your hands full. Seriously she needs professional help ASAP. If she won't get it and stay with the treatment. RUN. Life is to short not to.
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Old 02-17-2011, 12:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I appreciate the feedback. I obviously don't want to end anything, especially after 5 months. This sudden change in behavior after getting married is just extremely confusing to me. To answer the age question, I'm in my mid/late 30s and she's in her mid/late 20s.

Looking more into it, I think BPD fits better than bipolar. Ironically, I had a history of dating girls with BPD. Difference this time is it wasn't evident right away.
What does 5 MONTHS have to do with it? If you're unhappy, then you're unhappy.

I would speak with her and give her time to process, see a doctor, etc. Her response and what she will/will not do will tell you everything you need to know. If she refuses to listen and take action, then you have a choice to make - stay or go - no inbetween.

Try to speak to someone who has been there. Do some research on BPD and bi-polar - what the symptoms are, treatments available, what you can expect, etc. Don't go into this blind thinking that you can fix it and that love conquers all - when you're dealing with a mental issue - you CAN'T FIX IT and LOVE WILL NOT CONQUER IT EITHER.

Not trying to scare you - I just watched what happened with my daughter and the last four years - and I actually felt more sorry for my STB ex-SIL than my daughter - he had the patience of Job, but it ran out, but not before it very nearly ruined his life.

Think VERY HARD about this - look at how she's acting already - are you prepared for this to continue for 5, 10, 15, 20 years?
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