General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So we've been together 14 years, he was a bachelor all his life, I have 3 grown children, and I have money from working hard, he doesn't. But he is/was kind, we were/are interested in the same things like hiking, art, gardening. I bought a house for us to live in, he couldn't afford to. I didn't care about all that. He does alot of chores around the house, keeps up his end of things. I helped him get a teaaching job, and now he's able to contribute to bills etc. We are both 53 by the way. we are both fit, attractive, healthy people.
Problem is: we stopped having sex about a year ago because we have been arguing about getting married: i want to, he doesn't. He says he still isn't sure. I am so confused about this fuzzy life we are leading. are we really together? Is he using me? I don't know how to think about things like bills and ownership and even car insurance. I don't know if he is planning on leaving me for someone else...that's usually why you don't get married. I just found out he's doing porn in his spare time, but he doesn't want sex. We had a very healthy sex life for 10 years, but I always initiated it. That's the way he wanted it. I stopped initiating all the time because he had a thing with an old girlfriend a few years back, and I need to know that he wants me, not the other way around. Now there's no sex.
I feel used, lost, and paralyzed. He cries when I say maybe we should call it quits if we can't make a decision about marriage: I mean, this sitting on the fence is killing me.
If its important for you to get married, and he does not want to....you must give him an ultimatum.
It isnt fair to EITHER of you to continue this way.
I don't think he wants to leave, he just doesn't want to get married.
I think he has issues with getting married, maybe he doesn't think a certificate means anything.
It is a hard feeling for you, feeling insecure is the worst feeling people have.
But there is nothing you can do except being more understanding and enduring, it is his mental thinking, the more you push him, the farther he is from you.
I have been spending a lot of time here, a lot of people lose their sexual desire after they got married, a lot of people started arguing after they thought their relationship was safe, I don't know if this is what he worries about.
Marriage certificate doesn't guarantee security anymore, it won't keep him around you. Your love and understanding keeps him!
If its important for you to get married, and he does not want to....you must give him an ultimatum.
It isnt fair to EITHER of you to continue this way.
Accept that he will not get married....or split.
I am ashamed to say that I did give him an ultimatum (after he had another small scale infidelity...no sex, just a huge attraction to a young girl 25 years younger), and when I said marry me or leave, he said he would marry me. We set the date (last summer) and whenever I tried to talk about it he would let it drop without saying a word. Like I hadn't said anything. I tried to ask him where he wanted to go on a honeymoon, what date did he thing best etc. etc. He just kinda ignored me. I finally let it rest too, to keep the peace. I gave in. Truth is, I hated giving him an ultimatum, and didn't want to marry someone i had to bully into it.
Now it's come up again, because I really can't live this way anymore. But our lives are so entwined, in some ways it is just unthinkable. I think i might have some kinda attachment disorder...i will miss him so!
I don't think he wants to leave, he just doesn't want to get married.
Marriage certificate doesn't guarantee security anymore, it won't keep him around you. Your love and understanding keeps him!
YEs, agreed, but really, it is so confusing with bills and home ownership and all. I own the house we live in. If we were married it would be his too. But we aren't married, so do I charge him rent? We are considering a rental agreement and it breaks my heart. But staying in a relationship with someone who won't get married when I have the main financial responsibilities is strange to say the least.
YEs, agreed, but really, it is so confusing with bills and home ownership and all. I own the house we live in. If we were married it would be his too. But we aren't married, so do I charge him rent? We are considering a rental agreement and it breaks my heart. But staying in a relationship with someone who won't get married when I have the main financial responsibilities is strange to say the least.
It does make me despise him if he doesn't give you his money. He is the man, he should provide. If he can't provide for you, at least he can give you what he makes.
It is painful if you are negotiating a rental agreement, to me, your relationship is almost over, sorry that I put it this way.
If you two do want to work out your problems, you might have to think you are the man who provides, he is the woman who is dependent. I know society still gives us the impression men work, women stay at home, but not the other way around.
You do want his companionship though, this is the tough part for you. If you lose him, who would you end up with? Will you find a man who can provide and be with you? I have read that it is difficult for women to find partners after they turn 40.
If you make a lot of money and money isn't an issue, I can say you have fewer problems here. But now I think your relationship is sour, even though you want to back off, your relationship won't go back to the original sweet spot you had before.
He is not a man, sorry that I say this. But sometimes having something is better than having nothing!
I think if someone is still "unsure" after being together for 14 years then chances are they are never going to be sure.
I suppose it depends on how much you really want him in your life and whether you are able to reach a place within yourself where you can live happily without marriage.
What positive difference to your life will being married to this man bring with it? You say security...what kind of security?
What positive difference to your life will being married to this man bring with it? You say security...what kind of security?
i think it's important to make definite agreements with each other, we do in every other part of life, we sign rental contracts, bank agreements, etc etc. When things get hard, we have that agreement to go back to. Sometimes in life all i have to go on, when i am confused is: "well, I said i would do that, so i will.", or "I agreed to this, so I'm gonna show up." This has served me time and time again when I want to back out of something, or when I'm feeling lazy.
I think it's very important to have a firm agreement between two people, for when times get rough, and so you can truly share your life. And yes, so the goal of monogamy is understood. Non-marriage means just that; no true union, a loose and open arrangement. And yes, I want that security. And I feel weird calling him my boyfriend, or partner, or whatever. lately i just say my friend.
fwiw I really feel for you; whether it's age or what I don't know but I'm 54, OH 55 & we've been together 10 years, 8yo son but our relationship foundered three years ago (we were engaged) when I betrayed his trust (no affair or other person) and then as a result of him saying he'd never marry a woman like me I lost my cool & gave his rings back in no uncertain terms - no differently in language than he's often spoken to me so when he didn't accept any possibility of backtrack, it's been a slippery slope from there. My insecurity is at an alltime low, he only ever even vaguely hints in unspoken snippets that maybe if we sort ourselves out marriage might be there on the agenda some way down the line. Point being although I gave the ring back, HE's the one who's moved the goalposts, it strikes me. Any of his ultimatums, etc., and we'd have worked our way past it.
Insecurity is a bummer. A killer. I just can't quite bring myself to make it a dealbreaker partly cos we have our son - but I do understand, I really do (as much as anyone can understand a stranger's story!)
I know this might sound strange but do you think there could possibly be a reason why he can't get married - for instance, that he is already married (and you don't know about it)?
And I do understand your wanting the security of a firm agreement (marriage)....I just feel that if he hasn't already committed to it by now, he probably won't (unless he can't and doesn't want to upset you by telling you).
If he has responded positively to your ultimatums and doesn't make good on the deal, well, he never intended to in the first place. He said what you wanted to hear so you would get off his back and shut you up about it. My H has a history of this same maneuver. The present living situation is working just fine for your guy why would he want to change it? And just to put it out there, why would you willingly enter a married relationship with someone who has such little respect for you? Had I known what I was getting into, I NEVER would have married my H. Don't be too quick to make permanent a relationship that already shows signs of deterioration. Seek counseling for yourself and get "you" in a better place and you will gain the confidence and strength you need to make a decision that is best for you.
I can't believe I'm writing to a forum 
