General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So I'm hoping to get some idea of people's definition of EXACTLY what they consider to be nagging; mentioning something once one day, again the next day then complaining nothing's been done the third day, for example? Or something which rears its head only every third month but simply irritates the one being 'asked' and that's all that matters - down to the sensitivity of the individual?
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
I think that would be very subjective. Depends on the person. Whereas one person might think the second request is nagging, another would have to hear the same request 10 times for it to be considered as such. That's just my opinion, though.
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
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Originally Posted by major misfit
I think that would be very subjective. Depends on the person. Whereas one person might think the second request is nagging, another would have to hear the same request 10 times for it to be considered as such. That's just my opinion, though.
Yes, but that was kind of my point; we read quite frequently posts & threads mentioning nagging, but have no way of knowing what the 'average!!!' nag-o-meter is set at, how sensitive we all are or aren't, & so on; for my part I can kind of feel my tone change with a humph in my voice & a 'oh for goodness sake' implying I'm fed up of saying whatever it is, and realise this will probably sound like (and be?) nagging!
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
I don't know that there IS an "average". If you've made a reasonable request, and the other person is amenable to carrying out that request, the expectation would be that it be done in a timely manner. It's like, don't tell me you're going to do something you have no intention of doing. And if you're going to do it, let me know when I can expect it to be done so that I can either do it myself (if it doesn't meet my time expectation or needs), or cool my heels until you do follow through. And if you don't, then I know better than to make THAT particular request of you again. Thus begins the seed of trust issues, b/c you can't count on the person to do what they say.
I'm fairly certain everyone's "nag-o-meter" (love that, btw) is different. Maybe run a poll...ask if 3 times is considered nagging. Or 5. Or twice. Maybe you could better glean an "average" that way.
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
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Originally Posted by Conrad
Mad,
It also has something to do with context.
Let's say there's a list involved. 9 of the 10 things on the list are done/checked off.
What's the first word out of your mouth? Is it a thank you for the 9 things? Or is it something different?
Well list is a dirty word in our house (apart of course from the lists and lists of lists in my handbag supposedly there to help my appalling memory) so it doesn't in theory apply; but I get your point
For myself I can honestly say I would flag up the 90% success, yet can't deny the 1 undone item would get a mention; I remain unconvinced, though, that context is necessarily more important than frequency: that's the way it was always portrayed in 1950s British comedies, anyway - the nagging old battleaxe with the rolling pin, going on about the same thing umpteen times!!!!
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
Hmmm let me think about that one! (actually, no, why should it be cumulative if it's not necessarily the same 'undone' one each time) - that's assuming of course a consistent 90% 'success rate'!
All of which kind of sidelines my main question, which relates not to lists but to people's notion of what actually constitutes nagging: whether to a man or a woman, of course : and I say that because my memory is dire so I get rather frequent enquiries as to whether something is in my diary or not, if I've done something previously mentioned or not - so I do 'know what it feels like' !
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
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Originally Posted by madimoff
Hmmm let me think about that one! (actually, no, why should it be cumulative if it's not necessarily the same 'undone' one each time) - that's assuming of course a consistent 90% 'success rate'!
All of which kind of sidelines my main question, which relates not to lists but to people's notion of what actually constitutes nagging: whether to a man or a woman, of course : and I say that because my memory is dire so I get rather frequent enquiries as to whether something is in my diary or not, if I've done something previously mentioned or not - so I do 'know what it feels like' !
My wife and I have discussed this at length.
If both partners are bringing their "A" game every day, that likely means 98% accomplishment and 2% undone.
IF one continously hears about the 2% that's not done, then I firmly believe it's nagging. And yes - it's cumulative.
I don't think it's too difficult to realize that if the thing that ISN'T done gets featured each time, resentment will be close behind.
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
It really is subjective. There are a ton of factors that go into figuring out if it's nagging: how busy the person being asked to do it is, the tone the asker is using, the task itself and how long it will take, whether it's a task the person being asked wants to do or not, whether they feel it's something the asker should/could do, how many times they've asked and how much time has asked between each time (asking every 5 minutes might be nagging, but asking every third day until it's done might not be nagging).
You'll never get a consistent answer on here, because all those factors, and probably more that I didn't think of, come into play and it's different for each couple and each situation.
Re: Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging?
I can give you an example from my experience.
I dated a guy who if I asked him to do something (it could be something simple) and if he didn't do it, I'd give him some time. If he still didn't I would ask again. (Now keep in mind I don't expect a man to jump as soon as I ask him to do something, thats not the case here.
Anyway, if after something had been asked of him many many times, then yes, he would perceive that as nagging. Well guess what ya a$$, had ya done it the first time or two it was asked of you it wouldn't have gotten to that point! So of course he is going to take it as nagging then!
But there are some people too, who no matter what you say, how many times you say it and no matter what tone you use, they will tell you its nagging. Those ware the ones who don't want to hear nothing or do nothing. Its all about them and you are just a nag.
Suggest, ask & it'll still be seen as nagging? 
