Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!
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Old 02-21-2011, 01:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Okay, I'll try to make this as brief as possible. There is a 3 hour time difference between here and where his friends live, and he's sort of always lived on his native time zone, so he stays up for hours after I go to bed.

Last September, he became facebook friends with his first girlfriend. They dated for 2 years when he was like 15 (he's 33 now), first love and all that. He's never said too much about her, except that she tried to get pregnant by him once. They broke up because his mom had a cancer scare and she basically told him that he needed to get over it and pay her some attention. He dumped her a$$ and never looked back.

So it starts out innocent enough, & I hear him mention to his parents that he talked to her on facebook. Fast forward to around Halloween, and she's posting crap like crazy all over his wall. Liking all his photos, commenting on how cute our kids are, posting random "you should watch this movie" posts, etc. Made me uncomfortable, but whatever. Thanksgiving weekend, my daughter wakes up crying. It's 2 am. I walk out into the living room, and the laptop is open on the couch, but my H is nowhere to be found. I call him and he's in his truck, telling me he's talking to his best friend and he didn't want his voice to wake me. I didn't feel right about it and grabbed his phone in the morning, and he was talking to her, for 2 hours! This is when things get worse in our marriage. She also friend requested his parents around Christmas.

I lost it. He promised it was innocent and that she was married. He's also facebook friends with the girl's son. I let him know I was uncomfortable with it, especially that he lied. He says he didn't want me to think anything, that's why he didn't tell me. (Sidenote: He had an EA with a coworker 4 years ago, so note my insecurity.) So, he's using the fact that she's married as an excuse. Several days later I look at her husband's profile, and his relationship status is "It's complicated" Turns out, she's getting divorced. For the SECOND time. Great track record. I told him I was uncomfortable with the phone conversations, I demanded he defriend her, and well, H doesn't respond well to demands. Said that it doesn't matter who it is, I'll always have a problem if they are a girl, and so on.

He then takes on this facebook attitude, where he doesn't post on anything, as to prevent drama. I make the mistake of logging into his facebook several times over the following weeks. He went back to his hometown in January. It was her birthday while he was there, and he didn't post on her wall. I scrolled back a couple months, and saw that she had posted hearts as her status and he had liked them. She did a quiz that was "What kind of guy will fall for you" and he liked that. Then the day he came home, she posted a status that said something about having the best carefree, stress free week. He said he did not see her, just talked to her on the phone quickly twice, and that the status was not about him.

Then I log in again after he's home and she's posted one of those facebook notes. Next to "place you'd most like to visit" she puts OUR TOWN (it's a small suburb, you wouldn't know of it). Um, yeah, he still denies she has a thing for him! His defense is that she's 2,000 miles away and he has no interest. He says their conversations are innocent and never go in that direction. I was angry about that post and friend requested her. Well, that's really upset him. She didn't accept it for almost a week, and then when she did, she had deleted that note and the posts from the week he was out there. Um, very suspicious. It's obvious to me that she still has a thing for him, especially while she's going through her second failed marriage. But he doesn't get this. It's now a battle of wills. He's mad that I requested her because I don't even know her. I told him I didn't do it to talk to her, I just wanted to send the message that I was aware and she had crossed lines. He was turned off by this. (By the way, he says that it worked because she hardly talks to him. )

So, should I now just delete her? Her stuff is on full lockdown, and well, H has changed all his passwords so I'm shut out. I have to say, that in my heart of hearts I know he's being faithful to me, and they are just friends. So please, no planting seeds of doubt. But that this girl is pushing boundaries. I don't want our marriage to get worse. What do I do? Let it go? He keeps saying how much it blew his mind for me to friend request her. If I contact her, poop with hit the roof. LOL.

Fast Forward 3 months...I've got an update at the bottom of the 2nd page. Just thought it was interesting to see my suspicions here and then the end result.



TOTALLY crazy for me to go back and read this.
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Last edited by LonelyNLost; 05-23-2011 at 02:57 PM.
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Old 02-21-2011, 01:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

I am sorry he is putting you thru this. Does he love you? Look the word "love" up and then answer. My wife cheated on me, I found my first love on FB and now we are very good friends, we have plans to play bingo when all is said and done My wife is a looser, that is she has lost sight of reality and can't make a good decision to save our marriage, so I fall back on the GF just to talk to a sane woman!!
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Old 02-21-2011, 01:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Yes, I do believe he loves me. But he's just too stubborn and pigheaded to be wrong. He's blind to women's affections. I've had so called friends coming onto him and he was clueless. When I met him and asked HIM out on a date, he had no idea I liked him until he showed up on our date and realized it was only the two of us. Freaking clueless. I told him I am open to communication about what need I'm not feeling that causes him to have these friendships. He says it isn't any missing need, just that this is a "friend". My point is that he went over 15 years without this "friend" so what's another 15?
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Old 02-21-2011, 02:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

If they don't feel attached to each other, it shouldn't have been a big deal for him to defriend her.

Something is not right here, talking to her at two o'clock for two hours. A man won't talk to another woman for so long if there is no feeling involved.

I don't want to make you feel more insecure, but what he is doing here is not right.

You are his wife, you have told him this is hurting you, and he insists doing it, if I were you, I would start screaming!
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Old 02-21-2011, 05:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

you said she is pushing boundaries. This may be true, but it is up to him, not her, to break this off. Afterall he is married to you, not her. Two hours on phone with her?

its his responsibilty to keep the vows he made to you, Im assuming since your married you have promised to be true only to each other.

he tells you she is 'just a friend'..right? you should be his primary and number one concern, not a 'facebook friend'...
if he remains insistent about carrying on with her, then its up to you I guess, how much your willing to tolerate.
i believe you when you say he loves you, but he needs to DEMONSTRATE that towards you. It should be easy as pie to get off the darn computer and turn towards you...
if he refuses to, then you have some thinking to do. You cannot force him to stop engaging with her, all you can do is let him know how much it hurts you.

Last edited by Ladybugs; 02-21-2011 at 05:22 AM.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenpearl View Post
If they don't feel attached to each other, it shouldn't have been a big deal for him to defriend her.

Something is not right here, talking to her at two o'clock for two hours. A man won't talk to another woman for so long if there is no feeling involved.

I don't want to make you feel more insecure, but what he is doing here is not right.

You are his wife, you have told him this is hurting you, and he insists doing it, if I were you, I would start screaming!
That's exactly my point. If she's just a friend and you've gone this long not talking to her, what's the big deal leaving it now? I was upset when I found out, obviously, and demanded he defriend her. He didn't respond well. He just doesn't to demands. I have a feeling she was pouring her heart out to him about her marriage, which is a no no. He promises he said nothing about our marriage and swears on his life that he never badmouths me and I believe it.

I'm about to start screaming, believe me!


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Originally Posted by laelsmom View Post
you said she is pushing boundaries. This may be true, but it is up to him, not her, to break this off. Afterall he is married to you, not her. Two hours on phone with her?

its his responsibilty to keep the vows he made to you, Im assuming since your married you have promised to be true only to each other.

he tells you she is 'just a friend'..right? you should be his primary and number one concern, not a 'facebook friend'...
if he remains insistent about carrying on with her, then its up to you I guess, how much your willing to tolerate.
i believe you when you say he loves you, but he needs to DEMONSTRATE that towards you. It should be easy as pie to get off the darn computer and turn towards you...
if he refuses to, then you have some thinking to do. You cannot force him to stop engaging with her, all you can do is let him know how much it hurts you.
It is up to him, and he has acknowledged that things would be better if he did get rid of her. But again, he just thinks it's my insecurity. Most of our problems now have stemmed from this. You all bring up the same points I did. WTH is there to talk about for 2 hours with someone you haven't talked to in 15 years? He says she asked him to call her. And he didn't tell me because he didn't want to cause problems. He admits it's stupid of him. I tried to make him see that it wouldn't be near the issue if the honesty was there.

Things are not good enough right now for me to give ultimatums. But I just don't know what to do. How about, "I'll unfriend her if you unfriend her!"
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

In life, we are taught not to hurt our loved ones, but instead, we only hurt our loved ones because they are close, they will forgive.

He should know very well this woman can't bring any happiness to him, but he insists it is only a friendship. If you allow this friendship to exist, if you are not threatened by this friendship, then by all means, continue this friendship. But you don't like this friendship, you are married, he can't use it as an excuse for saying it is only a friendship. And my belief, it is never a good idea to have opposite sex friends. Some people can make it honorable, and keep it pure friendship. But for most cases, it is not that simple.

Right now you are in a tough situation. You are feeling resentment towards him, it is only going to make your relationship worse. The kind of attitude he has really shows him being immature.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Well, 15 years is a long time to catch up on. I could see having a conversation with one of my old high school friends that I hadn't seen or talked to in that long and having it last at least 2 hours. But...notice I said "friend" not "ex-boyfriend."

My boyfriend and I have a great deal of trust between us. We both have friends of the opposite sex, and neither of us has ever worried that there was anything more than friendship. But...if he suddenly talked to someone new for that long, or even one of his current friends for that long, I would be bothered too. I would understand if there'd been a death in the friend's family or something like that, but just as a general conversation, I'd be bothered.

Now, I'm not going to say that you're wrong about him loving you or in thinking he's not cheating. What I do want to say, though, is that loving your spouse and cheating on them are not mutually exclusive. Look in the infidelity forum at all the people who have cheated but loved their spouse all along, or were cheated on but the spouse loved them all along.

If he and the ex-girlfriend had remained friends all those years between breaking up and now, I would be inclined to think that perhaps they are just friends at this point. But when ex's get back in touch after all this time, I think it's just way too easy to fall back into the old habits of how they acted when they were together. Plus, if he tells her about a fight between you two, she's going to side with him and trash you, which will temporarily make him feel better AND will draw him closer to her, which is probably what she wants.

I won't say you're not insecure, because it's possible you are. But as your husband, he should not just brush off your insecurity or your concerns like that. He's supposed to love you, and part of loving someone is taking their concerns and fears to heart and trying to help them get over them, not telling them to just get over them as if they don't matter.

Regardless of how much he claims to love you, or you think he loves you, I would give some really hard thought to why he's willing to put a strain on your marriage to remain friends with an old girlfriend.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Him getting so upset about you "friending" her is a big red flag to me. I don't send friend requests often to women, but when I do, I usually send a request to their husband as well. And if I notice my wife has made a new male friend, I send them a request too.

There's no reason his "friend" can't be your friend too...unless she's more than just a friend.

Facebook is very dangerous. So many ways to use it - and so many ways to hide what you are really doing.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

As usual, I agree with truckersgirl. Ok..so you have some insecurities...don't they stem from his past actions? And here he is again, doing something to cause you concern. I'd be concerned as well. There'd be war over here, actually.

I'll admit to a big grin, and a silent "atta girl!" when I read that you friended the ex. And I feel that you're now walking on eggshells, not knowing how to proceed from here. I was left with the impression that your relationship would take a major hit if you stand your ground on this. However...what is remaining silent going to do?

For the time being..I would just watch and see what happens. That's going to give them enough rope to hang themselves if something IS going on. But the second it starts progressing, I'd initiate war. You need to keep a watchful eye on this.

My sweetie wasn't on facebook for a long time. About a week ago, I set him up. We made it a rule then..no "friending" of exes. For some it's ok...for us it's not. Too much room for trouble. It's best to not borrow any.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
But when ex's get back in touch after all this time, I think it's just way too easy to fall back into the old habits of how they acted when they were together. Plus, if he tells her about a fight between you two, she's going to side with him and trash you, which will temporarily make him feel better AND will draw him closer to her, which is probably what she wants.

I won't say you're not insecure, because it's possible you are. But as your husband, he should not just brush off your insecurity or your concerns like that. He's supposed to love you, and part of loving someone is taking their concerns and fears to heart and trying to help them get over them, not telling them to just get over them as if they don't matter.

Regardless of how much he claims to love you, or you think he loves you, I would give some really hard thought to why he's willing to put a strain on your marriage to remain friends with an old girlfriend.
You bring up excellent points. It's disturbing. We've talked about all this. He claims guys can be just friends with girls. He thinks because it's from so long ago it's no big deal. I say that she's interested in a reconnection, even if he isn't and that's a big deal. I'm well aware of the dangers of this, he did share too much with a coworker 4 years ago and it ended up as an EA. He's using distance as an excuse in this situation. And last night I asked him if someone was talking in his other ear and he got so mad that I "went there". He says I'll be insecure about any female friend. And I tried to explain to him that he has other female friends I have no problem with, because he's kept in touch with them over the years. This one, needs to stay in the past.

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Originally Posted by nice777guy View Post
Him getting so upset about you "friending" her is a big red flag to me. I don't send friend requests often to women, but when I do, I usually send a request to their husband as well. And if I notice my wife has made a new male friend, I send them a request too.

There's no reason his "friend" can't be your friend too...unless she's more than just a friend.

Facebook is very dangerous. So many ways to use it - and so many ways to hide what you are really doing.
Yeah, but he thinks it's weird to friend request someone YOU don't know. But he never thought it weird when one of his female friends from high school friend requested me. Now he says it's weird. I hate facebook!
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Oh, and just to add. He mentioned that the past coworker that he had the EA with, recently friend requested him on facebook and he denied it because he knew better. That makes you trustworthy, hun? Give me her page, I'll rip her a new one while I'm at it.

It's so hard to bite my tongue. I know I'm right in being concerned. His mom told me I was, as well. And she accepted the girl's friend request to "keep an eye on things". But my husband won't talk to anyone about any of this crap going on between us.
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Also thought about a keylogger. But goodness, that would just torment me and prove that I totally don't trust him. He'd leave for good if he found it. My insecurity and not trusting him (although he continues to lie) has been a big issue as of late.
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LonelyNLost View Post
But again, he just thinks it's my insecurity.
I'm sorry but I don't buy this one. If you touch a hot burner on a stove and it burns you, then you don't reach for it again. That's NOT insecurity. That's normal and wise.

He's playing on your doubt (that he has fed you btw) about being insecure to keep you from addressing what is the real issue. He doesn't want to stop doing what he wants to do and he wants to firmly place the blame on you.

Don't let him. Stay rational, calm and cool and let him know that his attempt to manipulate you into backing down on a reasonable request will not work. You realize he can do as he chooses but the coin has two sides. You too can do as you please and I would suggest that you look long and hard at how he feels he can treat you and you'll still put up with it. He is not showing you or your feelings respect. If he values you and your marriage he will quit playing with fire that hurts you.

Done deal. He stops or you reevaluate your marriage and in light of his actions, your marriage has issues that are directly in relation to his choices. Choose wisely. You deserve a man who will love you and value you. Learn to set some boundaries without feeling guilty.

Just my $0.02.
Praying for you for wisdom and comfort,
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Old 02-21-2011, 12:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook DRAMA...Tell me how to deal with my husband's ex girlfriend!

Thanks, everyone. It's nice to see that I'm not some crazy irrational insecure person. He's at work and I'm off today. I told him on the phone that I needed to make some decisions on what my boundaries will be. We texted a bit where he says he still needs to go away for a few days and figure out how to stop messing up and making the same mistakes. I think I'm at a point where I need to stand up for myself. I need to stop being the one to accommodate and start being more assertive about my needs. If he's not willing to make me number one, than I'm okay moving on. I can't continue to live my life with lies and this insecurity. I know that my insecurities and holding the past over his head have put him in an awful place. He is truly depressed at this time. But last night he disrespected me again with the facebook crap and I'm sick of it. It isn't fair.
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