How to deal with married woman's flirting?
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Old 02-24-2011, 07:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Hello, everyone.

I'm in a difficult situation and could use some advice.

I've been married to a great woman for six years, and feel like our marriage is very successful and happy. It's not without it's difficulties, but I think that's to be expected.

A little over a year ago, one of my wife's married friends began to flirt with me. She started with just little physical contact, like brushing my arm or touching me somehow. Eventually it progressed to the point where it was obvious to others what she was doing. Several people have mentioned it to me, or questioned my wife about her friend's behavior.

I am really attracted to this woman, and we have many similar interests. We get along well, and I therefore have allowed her to get away with too much.

I have let my imagination take hold of me, and I cannot get this woman out of my head. Judging by the way she acts, her constant need for my attention when we're together, and the way she looks at me, I feel like she is really attracted to me.
I will now initiate flirting with her now if she doesn't do it first.

I don't think she's the cheating type, but that doesn't stop my mind from conjuring up all sorts of scenarios.

I've told my wife about my attraction to her friend, and how her actions make me feel. She encourages me to be friends with this woman, but doesn't really know what else to say.

My question is:

How can I get control of this situation? This woman is part of our circle of friends, so I won't be able to completely avoid her.

I crave her attention, so it's very difficult to be around her.

Should I just tell her she's driving me crazy? If she thinks she's just harmlessly flirting, maybe telling her how she is making me feel will open her eyes and she'll back off.

Any ideas?
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Yes, tell her and your wife that its inappropriate and you want it to stop.

Attraction to other people is normal even when you are 100% in love with your wife. Don't let it go anywhere. You have gone to far already and don't go any further. If it doesn't stop say it again or talk to her husband about it.

Last edited by anx; 02-24-2011 at 08:45 PM.
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Yeah cop onto yourself & get a grip. Of course you cant get her out of your head, she is making you feel like a stud. With friends like that, your wife doesn't need any enemies. You need to tell her to back off or this will only end up badly.

How would you feel if your wife & this woman's husband were carrying on like that?
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Hmmmm, touchy situation dude. The good news is that you're still in the clear. You haven't done anything wrong and you have spoken to your wife about the situation. But it sounds like you're on the cusp of an emotional affair, or maybe it's already a full blown EA. Watch your step.

I'm wondering what this other woman's motivations are? Is she unhappy with her marriage and in need of attention? Is she just a flirt? Is she probing the possibility of swinging with you and your wife?

Step 1: Don't hookup with this woman. If you do it you can't take it back. If you do you will be overcome with guilt and shame, you'll hurt your wife, and destroy the trust which is the basis of your marriage. Avoid unnecessary phone calls, emails, and all that Facebook garbage. It's all traceable and you don't need that evidence hanging out there.

Step 2: Talk to this woman. Pull her aside if necessary. Be very direct. Tell her you've noticed the flirting and ask her what her intent is. Ask her if she's unhappy in her marriage, if attracted to you, if she's into the swinging thing, or if she's just being flirty. Ask her how she thinks this would make her husband feel?

If you do this, you will feel better about yourself, she will respect you more, you'll get to the bottom of things, and if it ever comes up, you'll have a respectable leg to stand on when explaining this to your wife. With a greater understanding of what's going on, you'll be able to make better decisions.

Just watch your step here man. Sounds like you've got a great thing going. Much better than most on this forum. Be happy with what you have. That's one of the keys to happiness.
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

BTW, awesome name man. Love Ayn Rand.
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by John Galt View Post
Hello, everyone.

I'm in a difficult situation and could use some advice.

I've been married to a great woman for six years, and feel like our marriage is very successful and happy. It's not without it's difficulties, but I think that's to be expected.

A little over a year ago, one of my wife's married friends began to flirt with me. She started with just little physical contact, like brushing my arm or touching me somehow. Eventually it progressed to the point where it was obvious to others what she was doing. Several people have mentioned it to me, or questioned my wife about her friend's behavior.

I am really attracted to this woman, and we have many similar interests. We get along well, and I therefore have allowed her to get away with too much.

I have let my imagination take hold of me, and I cannot get this woman out of my head. Judging by the way she acts, her constant need for my attention when we're together, and the way she looks at me, I feel like she is really attracted to me.
I will now initiate flirting with her now if she doesn't do it first.

I don't think she's the cheating type, but that doesn't stop my mind from conjuring up all sorts of scenarios.

I've told my wife about my attraction to her friend, and how her actions make me feel. She encourages me to be friends with this woman, but doesn't really know what else to say.

My question is:

How can I get control of this situation? This woman is part of our circle of friends, so I won't be able to completely avoid her.

I crave her attention, so it's very difficult to be around her.

Should I just tell her she's driving me crazy? If she thinks she's just harmlessly flirting, maybe telling her how she is making me feel will open her eyes and she'll back off.

Any ideas?
I'm wondering why your wife would encourage a friendship, if she knows about the attraction and flirting. If my husband did this, I would cut the woman out of our lives!

I would encourage you to look inside yourself and ask why you "crave attention" from this person. What is missing in your marriage?

She knows EXACTLY what she's doing and believe me baby, it's ANYTHING BUT HARMLESS. Step away and focus on your marriage, before this does some real damage.
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Old 02-24-2011, 08:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Viseral View Post
Step 1: Don't hookup with this woman. If you do it you can't take it back. If you do you will be overcome with guilt and shame, you'll hurt your wife, and destroy the trust which is the basis of your marriage. Avoid unnecessary phone calls, emails, and all that Facebook garbage. It's all traceable and you don't need that evidence hanging out there.
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could be more truthful.
DO NOT succumb to this feeling of elation and excitement. I have been there and it sucks.
Of course you can't get her out of your mind. This is the chase! This is where you conquer all other men and take home the prize! It will bite you in the ass so bad that the bitemark is permanent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Viseral View Post
Step 2: Talk to this woman. Pull her aside if necessary. Be very direct. Tell her you've noticed the flirting and ask her what her intent is. Ask her if she's unhappy in her marriage, if attracted to you, if she's into the swinging thing, or if she's just being flirty. Ask her how she thinks this would make her husband feel?
I agree. Ask her what her intent is and if it's just "fun flirting", back it down a notch and continue to be friends.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Viseral View Post
Just watch your step here man. Sounds like you've got a great thing going. Much better than most on this forum. Be happy with what you have. That's one of the keys to happiness.
So true.
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

This may be *really bad advice*, but have you tried being "available" to her? Not sexually or emotionally, but I mean tried calling her maybe six, seven times a day? Just to 'check up' on her? Send her a couple emails a day? Double points for anything that was forwarded more than twice?

This is also called "being annoying". And it's not hot.

Go ahead. Be the ADD Man You Were Meant To Be.
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Old 02-26-2011, 06:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

I like LD's advice! Become a needy puppy dog around her!
But seriously, talk this over with your wife, you already know it should stop.
See a counselor, find out why you crave this attention, even though it seems obvious that it would only end in disaster.
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Flirting is fun, just don't go over the limit. Always report to your wife honestly what she does and how you feel honestly. When your wife knows everything, you're not cheating.
This woman is able to satisfy your emotional needs that probably your wife isn't providing.
Find out what is lack in the marriage.
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Or... the woman might not see what she is doing as anything as harmless and you don't mean as much to her as you think you do. Pulling her to the side may indeed stop things... by insulting her and hurting her feelings. I'm not saying do nothing and allow this to continue, just giving you another viewpoint. Sometimes a blue sky is just a blue sky... and nothing more.

Tread carefully.
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

All cheating begins in the mind and you've already cheated in your mind. I strongly believe this is nothing to play around with. I would stop initiating flirting with this woman and I'd make a real effort to avoid her. You control your thoughts. When you first begin to imagine her in a sexual way, redirect your thoughts to scenarios which would enhance the intimacy with your wife. If you stop playing the game, she will stop, too. Nobody persists in an activity forever if they aren't getting some reward. Perhaps, rather than imagining you and her in a hot sexual scenario, imagine the hurt, loss, and anger of two couples involved in a divorce. Imagine how you would feel if you were her husband and she were flirting with another man. Before you say or do anything with this (or any other) woman, imagine your wife saying or doing the same thing to another man.
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Old 02-28-2011, 08:58 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to deal with married woman's flirting?

Not sure I agree with the ADD thing - acting needy, unless your wife knows and approves. Next thing you know, you've got a PO'd husband waiting for you when you leave your home to go to work.

You've got to tell yourself that in the end, this doesn't have anything to do with you specifically. If she has feelings, then its because something is missing in her life, and she might do this to any guy who comes along. And she can sense if it is really getting to you.

The first couple of times this happened to me, I was flattered and didn't do a very good job of hiding it. I recognized that I could've been more direct on how I handled it. It killed the friendship with my wife when they tried to cross the line (I'd say that slipping into my bed on a beach vacation is crossing the line - my wife had stayed with a relative for the night). From then on, anytime a friendship began to cross the line, I just do my best to act impassive and uninterested.
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