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Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some advice.
I have been happily married for over two years with no problems. A couple of weeks ago my wife began talking to a male friend of hers on a social network site. She knew this friend around 5 years ago and they basically just hung around together occasionally after meeting through mutual friends. They decided they would meet up some time to catch up and exchanged mobile numbers. They text each other quite a lot over the next few days before meeting up for a few hours while having food and a few drinks. After this they have decided they should start meeting up more often.
I do feel like I trust my wife 100% but the idea of her having a male friend who she meets and texts regularly really makes me feel uneasy. I said to her that I didn't feel totally comfortable with it but I don't want to be a controlling husband who tells her who she can and cannot see. She told me she didnt want to not be able to have a friend just because I didnt feel comfortable about it, and pointed out that I am still friends with a couple of my friends (all male) despite her not really liking them.
Now I have kind of a sick and anxious feeling which I guess is jealousy and despite trusting her I still cant stop feeling this way. Has anyone else had a situation like this? Anyone just have some good advice for not feeling so bad?
*A little more info: My wife has been totally honest in talking about this friend. She did say she has kissed him in the past. I have never been cheated on in the past so have no history from which my feelings may stem.
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
I think if the shoe was on the other foot, your wife would have the same issue with your female friend. Maybe not. But the point is your wife does not respect your feelings and that sucks big time.
It sound like she is nieve to the protential for things to go south.
I personally would keep a close eye on her behavior. Look for unaccountable amounts of time she is gone. This she has no answer for. Keep an eye on her dress. What I mean is she dressing sexier. The big thing is secrecy. If she starts getting really protective of her cell and lap top she is hiding the fact that things have crossed the line.
Keep an eye out if the "girls night out" starts getting regular. That is the worst. There are many more red flags that can be found on line.
Do not bury your head in the sand...this thing can go bad for you. Trusting her is one thing, trusting the friend is another. What I mean if you don't take control of the situation, you will soon find your wife saying"I did mean to it just happened" or " I was drunk and it just happened" the worse thing that can be right around the corner is "I am falling for this guy and I need space and I'm confussed".
This is a bad deal so please as much as you trust your wife, and right now she believes nothing will happen..it is not worth the risk. Especially this early in there "relationship".
So be warned, and keep a quit eye on her texting use and the amount of cell phone time. You may need to print out the account statements to show her hao inappropreiate she is being. It is a matter of time so stay close. Do not trust the friend... investigate him.
Bottom line she is not respecting you as her husband and male friend will lead to no good for you. There is so much protential for "I didn't mean it to happen" if you know what I mean?
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
Before I was married I lived with a woman. She had friends, I trusted her, and she cheated on me (twice). My wife, who I trust, has friends and has never cheated on me.
The hard part about opposite sex friends is when it becomes too much. You begin to worry what your partner is getting (emotionally) outside the relationship that she isn't getting from the relationship. Or else, why all the contact. But, if you say something, then you look insecure, distrustful and controlling.
If she didn't love you then she wouldn't have married you. She has been honest with you. I think you should love and support her. Once out of context with this issue, you should work on setting mutually agreed upon boundaries that you are both comfortable with.
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
My wife loves me and I love her we both treated each other like sh*t. We just got lost and "it" can happen. So please look into to this, and do it your self. Asking her will only give you more grief.
I don't care if there female or male friends..if they are toxic to the marriage it needs to be addressed!
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
The mere fact that she admits to having a history with this guy (kissing) should be reason enough for you to insist she not see him anymore. They obviously had feelings for eachother at one time at least. It is a very reasonable request for you to make of your spouse to not have contact with someone she has kissed in the past. If she respects you at all in this marriage, she should see that. How would she feel if you started hanging out again alone with one of your former girlfriends?
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
Surely, if they're as close as all that she'd like him to meet the main man in her life, and she'd want you two to become friends? IMO, if there's nothing going on and they're just friends then why would you be left out of that? Could she intentionally be trying to make you jealous? I think that's what the 'dropping hints' comment was getting at. Maybe you pi$$ed her off and this is her passive aggressive way of getting back at you, as the texting is frankly overt. i.e. maybe nothing's going on, but she wants you to worry...
Go out with them together, and get to know him. What do you know about him, other than at some point he fancied your wife? Is he married/in a relationship? At the very least, say you want to meet him. Invite him for dinner or go out, just the three of you. If your wife objects to this for any reason, then I would have cause for concern. If she is happy with the three of you being friends, then it could all just be paranoia, but I would let her know how you feel about the texting thing, and ask her how she'd feel if you were texting an old hookup...
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
Is it the guy in question you have uneasy feelings about? Or would you feel the same about her having a friendship with ANY guy?
I can tell you my particular situation. Most of my close friends are guys. I meet up with them at different times, both on my own and with OH. My best friend is a guy. I often go round to his house for a cuppa and a chat, sometimes his wife is there and sometimes not. I knew him before getting together with OH, and if OH ever said he felt uncomfortable, I would listen and take time to understand, but I would not let my OH dictate whether or not I am allowed to be friends with someone, or if I'm allowed to be friends with guys.
That line guys say to women about "I trust you... It's HIM I don't trust..." That is one of the most patronising things I've ever had said to me (not from my OH.) Please don't ever reel that one out!
I also have a good friend whom I have kissed when we first met years ago. Things never went beyond that and we are now good platonic friends. OH has questioned me in passing but never made a big deal of it; I have brought said friend out with us on occasion so he could get to know OH as well.
Why not suggest all going out together? Before you go saying anything else, take some time. I'm not of course saying it's beyond the realm of possibility that there may be more to it, but there is also the possibility that it is innocent and you could be intervening in a friendship where it isn't warranted. You could get to know him and see them together and take it from there.
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Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
Good points listed by all on here. Trust... but verify. Don't be a fool, have you ever personally met this guy? I'd have a really big probleml for my wife to go meet some guy repeated times, and i haven't even met him. I'm a stickler to patterns, and i don't like change much. So for my wife to start "hanging out" with a old guy friend would really set off alarms within me. My wife has an old bud that she knew prior to me. I met him, he seems cool, but he's been out of the picture for almost a decade since we've moved so much. IF... he were to reshow, i ofcourse would understand her keeping in touch and perhaps going out to hang... just not all the time. I'm sorry i don't think that **** is healthy in a marriage. I don't routinely hang out with other women, i don't expect my wife to do the same. YOu have to errect proper boundaries in a marriage. To me doing this violating said boundaries.
I have female friends, who are married, but despite this, some are imcomplete. They are just a compliment and drink away from an affair. I don't need some guy friend on my wife's hip to be a IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... BREAK GLASS to get this penis. I'm sorry, but this how EA's start. Be kind, watch your words, but you've got away to limit these meetings or else be a active participant in them.
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
I feel like you can trust your wife, but not necessarily the other guy. You should tell her that she's not the issue and that your only concern is the male friend. Then tell her that you're really trying to see it her way, and that you'd like to go out to dinner with both of them
This way you can observe their body language as well as being in control of the situation, something your wife might respect/be attracted to. The best avenue is to be firm and fair about your feelings.
Re: Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1999
What do you mean by dropping hints?
I mean she is "warning" you about the OM, so that later she could say: "I gave him so many chances to change, even hinted that I could fall in love with another guy, but he did nothing, so..."
Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend 
