ZeroHawk

My wife and I have been happily married for a little over 5 years no kids and we live at her parents house due to her being a full time student and the economy cutting my income in half. About 3 months ago when I was perusing her for sex. She broke down and told me she does not feel the same way she used to and thinks she is no longer in love with me but still loves me. I asked her if there was anything I was doing wrong she claims it is all her and she has changed and I am doing nothing wrong. I asked her to go to counseling but she refused. Obviously I was very upset and got very emotional. The next day we talked and she said she wanted to keep working on the relationship. I told her I was going to start working on myself and I think the issue stems from me not being satisfied with were I am in life and have taken some steps to rectify that situation.

Since then my wife has started full time school studying to be a registered nurse. It is a very intense program she spends most of her time either at school or studying. She has been very distant since the encounter and does not want to talk about it, or have any physical interactions. The first couple of months were very bad and I was getting the feeling that she hated me. The last month has been much better we have been talking not about the relationship though and spending time together.

About a month ago I paid our cell phone bill and noticed a lot of texts from a random number. I did some research and found out it was a guy at her school. I looked on her phone all the texts were school related and seemed very innocent. should I be worried about this guy shes texting? I haven't approached her about this and am not sure what to think. She has talked to me about this guy and has said he is very young and immature and that they are friends.

I want more then anything to get our relationship back to were we where. I just am unsure how to approach her or what to do next in this situation. It seems to be getting better with the things I'm already doing but the lack of intimacy and talk about the outright problem has me very concerned.

turnera

Yes, she's having an affair. I'm sure she'll tell you 'he's just a friend.' They all do. She may not even be aware that it's an affair. But the minute she starts enjoying another man's company, she starts to rewrite history with you and decide she doesn't really love you - the dreaded ILYBINILWY speech that comes with all affairs.

Don't listen to her when she says they're just friends; you KNOW that your marriage is suffering, and you KNOW that she's spending time with a guy who's not her husband. Tell her if he's just a friend that YOU will start coming along and hang out with them. You know, as friends.

It will never get fixed as long as she continues to see him. You may be able to visit this guy and remind him she's married, and they may drop it. If that doesn't work, you'll need to follow a plan you can find at affaircare.com for stopping an affair.

michzz

It's no accident that she's focused on this guy and now doesn't love you.

She has to drop this friendship if your marriage is to survive.

You are in a bind living with her parents and she spends her only free time focused elsewhere.

Find a way out of the parent's house and look for better employment.

I know that's hard, but you have a crisis brewing.

bluesky

I would say yes, because she is likely having an affair....an emotional affair at a minimum.

All of her previous behavior is consistant with a wife having an affair.
Do NOT confront her or she will deny it.
You must find out yourself.
Install a keylogger on her computer.
Put a voice activated recorder in her car.
Track her car via GPS.
Have her followed to and from school.

ZeroHawk

I'm not sure if you guys are right. I have been monitoring her texts with him and they are all school related. Plus the fact that she openly told me about him tells me shes not trying to hide something. I may be wrong but that's what my gut is telling me right now.

turnera

Like I said, she may not be aware of what she's doing. Most affairs start by just being friends. Then she starts to look forward to seeing him. Then she starts to make excuses for seeing him extra. Then she starts to lie about times to see him. Then it's full-on affair where the marriage be damned, this feels too good.

Read the book Surviving An Affair to understand.

You are much better off showing her what it is NOW as opposed to letting it go on another month or two.

HE is WHY she says she has no feelings for you - she realizes she can feel something for someone else. No small coincidence this all came around when she started this school, is there?

Ignore it at your own peril.

turnera

Just pay the guy a visit and remind him that she's married.

ZeroHawk

He lives about 50 miles away from us so that will be very difficult.

ZeroHawk

She didn't even know this guy when she told me that she didn't have feelings for me anymore.

turnera

Then she's looking for a way out.

So 50 miles is too big a burden to save your marriage?

mumof2

Hi There

Ive been off the site for a while, but believe me I have been where you are now. My DH gave me the same speech after 22 years of marriage...........told me he would never cheat on me , but he wasnt 'in love' with me anymore.

I foolishly believed him, tried my hardest to work things out and guess what. He WAS cheating. He tried to tell me she was just a friend and that he needed someone to talk to. So again I tried.......and guess what, it carried on.

I was devastated and felt so foolish. I finally asked him to leave and it was a relief. Trust your first instincts, they are usually right.

H x

notaname

OK. Here is a woman's perspective.

You have lost your confidence because of your life circumstances and it has negatively effented her attraction towards you.

Are you working full time with a lower wage or working part time now? I recommend that you read 48 Days to the Work You Love (workbook) by Dan Miller and actually follow the steps in the workbook. You will be so much happier with a better paying job/career.

It is really, really hard to live with relatives. We live with my parents, so I speak from experience. The thing is, it isn't that hard except for Americans expect their indepedence. Plus, men are raised to be providers and tend to feel like failures if they cannot make it on their own.

If you are a downer to be around work on that. You need to be fun and upbeat.

If you have stopped having goals for yourself get back to it. Start actively working on them.

Improve your health and overall appearance by eating healthy, exercise, grooming and dressing nice (if you don't already).

Where do YOU want to be in 5 years time. Talk about your hopes and dreams.

Bring fun back into your relationship. I know you guys are busy and stressed, but that is the problem.

I recommend reading in the Sex section of this forum ways you can be more aggressive sexually. It is likely that you are being too passive (I'd be willing to bet on it).

ZeroHawk

Thanks for the advice since this is has all started happening. I have gone back to school at nights and have started to work on myself a lot. I have been going to the gym regularly and have lost about 20 pounds. Not to tote my own horn but I look and feel fantastic physically. As far as the work stuff goes it is a lot longer of a road to where I really want to be but I have set goals for myself told her all about them and have been working diligently to achieve them. I will read the section about being more sexually aggressive that might help as our problems seems to really have started once we moved back in with her parents and I stopped being so aggressive in the bedroom.

ZeroHawk

I looked in the sex forum and couldn't find any topics on being sexually aggressive can you give me some links thanks.

notaname

A lot of times it will come up in the advice given in the replies to a topic about a sexless marriage or why the wife isn't into it.

Here is one I commented on last night with some tips on page 3. Read the whole thread, though, it gives some good insight into how men and women view sex differently.

Can't make any sense from wife

MarriedManSexLife.com also has some tips on sexual dominance.

Try this article: Married Man Sex Life: Sexy Moves: The Ten Second Kiss

You're probably better off reading at MMSL blog than wading through the threads on in the Sex section now that I look at it. MMSL is geared specifically to your situation.