Did I reject a compliment (again)?
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Old 03-07-2011, 03:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Did I reject a compliment (again)?

I hate goodbyes and particularly when there's any kind of misunderstanding; there was a couple of hours back when I dropped OH off at the airport
He won't be back for about 10 days, btw and has various stressful stuff to deal with so it would have been nice to say goodbye on a positive note
We'd done that (kind of) in the car, agreeing a high percentage of our friction surrounds our son, discussing some 'thank yous' I'd got together because of our recent discovery that his major love language is words of affirmation
I hadn't said them though, I was going to but then more son, undermining, stress stuff came up so I kind of thrust it at him saying I wasn't in the mood to say them but there they were (really gracious, I know) - I'd apologised for that and he'd accepted and thanked me for the thoughts contained
thusfar ok
get to saying goodbye and his final comment was 'thanks, some of it was good'
At which point I'm thinking: Does this mean every previous time you've been here it's ALL been crap? How much of this time was good? Cos I'd thought quite a lot was positive so more fool me
Why can't you ever say things REALLY positively? etc etc
I just say - oh right; he says what's the matter with that, I say well it's giving with one hand taking away with the other, he says he thought it was a nice thing to say & we part on typically unclear terms - not exactly cool but certainly not lovey dovey
I drive off without waving, text him kisses later & so far have received nothing
All rather juvenile in its explanation, but I guess I just need someone to tell me how I was supposed to react to the 'some of it was good' comment cos I'm looking for bigtime reassurance a lot of the time and that wasn't!
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

This is totally one of the reasons I wish my "him" would get an email or something (no text plan and doesnt know how to text... SO maybe he's right... little bit cave man there HAHA) Anyhoo... I TOTALLY do that all the time! He says something, basically hmm not the rightthing, and in stead of translating it to his language in the moment, I am like "WTF! What is THAT!" THen 20 minutes later I want to smack myself on the head!!!!

Just the other night he did kinda that. Things did not end on the high note they could have, I tried to call but he didn't pick up (he charges his fone in his car, no voicemail, no house phone...Yup... cave man HAHA)

I have been trying to get him to get an email so that we can just communicate better, at least while we are working on understanding each other better in the moment.

Personally I think your reaction was fine, but then if you doubt it, you must have a "him" like me who you sometimes have to digest, translate, then react to. My him is working on things, so that he maybe says things better (THANK GAWDS) but my reaction still happens.

You were nicer than I would have been!! HAHA It's so hard sometimes working on things. All those eggshells to get around. Too much sensitivity LOL Backasswards compliments!!! Not easy, but you totally didn't go over the top. Just do your best to communicate that you do realize maybe your reaction was not right, that maybe from HIM it was a compliment, but that he has to work on what he says, and you will try to work on being a faster translator.
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

OMG you've pretty much summed it up in one post. Someone understands!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I reckon I'll have to cut & paste your last line about letting him know I didn't react the best but maybe he could work on how he says stuff & I'll work on being a faster translator... and say it to him. Genius!

(nb never forget this within 13 hours of calling me names & not long after, saying women should be treated like princesses)
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

It's frustrating when you are still just working on the whole thing, and one statement can set it back. I have resigned myself to the fact that in my situation it is going to be more me moving to understand him than the other way around, but as long as he is taking some steps, it's OK with me. Not uncommon for one to be more willing or maybe more able than the other.

I can react better, or go back and apologize ina letter or such, without the verbal interruptions/cut offs/ reactions. We also recently set a ground rule to stop a heated moment, say something nice to each other and agree to get back to the heat and what it was about later (though we have not set the exact when on the later, and really need to just to make sure it does not end up "easier" to let it sit and stew than deal with it)

But yes, I SOOOOOO know where you are.
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

Even if I'm not entirely thrilled with everything going on in my relationship, before I get on a plane I try very hard to leave on a positive, loving note. Those things do occasionally blow up or fall out of the sky and I don't my wife spending the rest of her life remembering that our last words were unpleasant. Even if I'm upset about something, I do love her and if it turns out to be our last words to each other, that's what I want to leave her with.
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Old 03-07-2011, 11:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

In that book, most people do a good job of using their own love language. Also, you seem to be looking for words of affirmation.

But the only thing I think you can do is model what 100% effort on a marriage looks like.
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Old 03-08-2011, 12:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
Even if I'm not entirely thrilled with everything going on in my relationship, before I get on a plane I try very hard to leave on a positive, loving note. Those things do occasionally blow up or fall out of the sky and I don't my wife spending the rest of her life remembering that our last words were unpleasant. Even if I'm upset about something, I do love her and if it turns out to be our last words to each other, that's what I want to leave her with.
I agree; sometimes knowing something and doing something are different creatures in the heat of a moment's upset

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
In that book, most people do a good job of using their own love language. Also, you seem to be looking for words of affirmation.

But the only thing I think you can do is model what 100% effort on a marriage looks like.
My language(s) are physical and words of affirmation, his words of affirmation and acts of service
We've had a LONG period when I've not known his intentions ref our relationship following a major fight,issue,whatever you care to call it (long story, my doing but following his example so I didn't expect it to go on so long) and yes, I've been in the dumps for an age
however
on this occasion the words of affirmation were merely me wanting him to make it seem we'd made more progress than he did - unrealistic maybe on my part, honest on his to just say 'some of it was good' -either way I didn't take it well, hence my thread title
I agree it would be ideal to model on 100% effort, and I'm trying to wise up but it's taken an equal age to 'get him' to be involved in this process as well (he would admit it's not me alone who needs to make changes)
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Old 03-08-2011, 07:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

It was not a complement.
If you both are trying to do your actions based on how much you think the other person deserves, then you will fail. In other words, he is trying to do a 25% complement because he feels you only deserve a 25% complement. A 100% complement is "You are a wonderful wife". Why does he give a 25% complement? Because he feels you are measuring your efforts against his, so both of you are trying in a tentative fashion so as not to outpace the other. I advise you to jump to 100% effort and see if he follows.
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Old 03-08-2011, 02:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

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Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
It was not a complement.
If you both are trying to do your actions based on how much you think the other person deserves, then you will fail. In other words, he is trying to do a 25% complement because he feels you only deserve a 25% complement. A 100% complement is "You are a wonderful wife". Why does he give a 25% complement? Because he feels you are measuring your efforts against his, so both of you are trying in a tentative fashion so as not to outpace the other. I advise you to jump to 100% effort and see if he follows.
Actually I think - particularly from his response when I seemed less than happy with what he said - that he DID mean it as what he said, namely 'meant to be nice'
I also think it's a bit too early in our 'reconstruction' process to think either of us really thinks the other has made any measurable effort (only in the past 10 days or after maybe 3 years of attempting to highlight techniques we might use have we got as far as diagnosing each others' love busters, love languages etc - and even that's still embryonic because he comes & goes on a kind of 10 day cycle) - so no, I'm not measuring my efforts against his in anything other than the fact I've even suggested techniques!!! And consequently it would be pushing it to say he could be measuring, comparing etc
where I think you're dead right is that he said 'some' of the time was good because that's what he thought and he wanted to give the appropriate compliment}nice comment, whatever, he absolutely didn't want to say it had been a 100% nice time BECAUSE he remains of the view that without friction (of whoevers inception) he won't begin to feel confident that our relationship can get on a more even footing
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Old 03-08-2011, 02:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Did I reject a compliment (again)?

I've just reconsidered my last post and I think yes I believe I've done more than he has in terms of trying to flag up ways we can learn more about each other and ways we might improve understanding, communication, etc, BUT I've also realised I'm not quite as *nice* in some ways as I always thought I was - so whether or not that, measured against him acknowledging ultra-sensitivity & remaining steadfast that he can't progress in the face of pretty much ANY upset, amounts to comparing each other's input I'm really not sure!
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