CallaLily

So how long does one hold out in hopes things change? If you're in a marriage, been married for a good while and things aren't working, how long do you stay? If you are the only one working on the marriage? if they seem to give you the illusion they are working on things to throw out bits and pieces or crumbs of making you think they made improvement, enough for you? Only for them to go back to the way they were until a month or two later when they decide to give you false hope again?

Kids are gone off to college or married. Or lets say you have no kids, so the kid excuse is gone. Staying for history together doesn't mean squat either especially if most of it has been you beating your head against the wall, trying to work it out when they haven't put forth much effort. Or even if they have and its just not there anymore.

Yes, I have also known people who have tried it all. Done this and that, said this and that, changed whatever. Went to therapy, blah blah blah, and still stay to beat a dead horse! Maybe they like beating the dead horse? Maybe being miserable and constantly working on a marriage by themselves isn't so bad?

Thoughts?

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Jamison

"if they seem to give you the illusion they are working on things to throw out bits and pieces or crumbs of making you think they made improvement, enough for you? Only for them to go back to the way they were until a month or two later when they decide to give you false hope again?"


I think this part is what gets me. Like you said they do just enough to keep the other spouse who is truly trying, interested long enough to make them think things are getting better or that they are trying to improve and put forth effort. Nothing wrong with putting forth some effort, that is if its genuine and heartfelt.

Constantly doing it to the point of almost like a tease only to not do it again till later on or whenever its suits them, more than likely means they are not really trying to change, or make things work. They throw out crumbs of hope here and there to make their spouse think its going work, that is probably what keeps the spouse there.

The other spouse sends out false hope messages, and for whatever reason the other spouse doesn't mind playing along. After awhile and enough of that person doing that, it then becomes a mind control, and manipulative tactic. They throw out just enough hope because they know chances are the other spouse isn't going anywhere. Keeps the other one dangling on the line of the marriage.

IMO, its sad, and not much of a marriage.

AgentD

Yep, lot of truth to what Jamison said. There are some people in marriages just like that.

And there are some people too, who will never leave a marriage, no matter what. No matter how tired they are of it etc. Kids, or no kids, History or no history, finances, or no finance issues, they aren't going to leave, no matter how bad it gets.

Some people may say its sticking it out through thick and thin, but I guess it depends on what it is too. I think people need boundaries and limitations. Its about self respect for yourself. BUT like I said it depends on what it is and how bad it really is.

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"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten."

4sure

Lifes to short to beat a dead horse. I'm not into the beating a dead horse thing after a while it starts to stink.

troy

How about not even crumbs...

I have been beating a dead horse for a year and I am finally tired. This horse is truly dead; absolutely no response. Problem is I am one of those that cannot get myself motivated enough to leave.

After a 30 year relationship and 23 year marriage, this is the only life I know, and any other kind of life other that what I know is very scary. Well that's how I see it anyway.

But I'm tired now and I have managed to build up enough courage to face what's waiting out there for me. Life at home is unbearable and I just can't continue living like this.

I suspect there are many people out there like me that will stay in a marriage with a dead horse as long as they can bear it mainly because of fear of the unknown, lonliness, being alone, fear of change, etc.

When its time to go is an individual thing. Alpha males may give it a week tops, others may cling on alot longer.

Mrs.G

My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. Neither of them have been happy for decades. Once we all (four children) grew up, they stayed together out of convenience. They are 60 years old and cannot be bothered to start again. It's sad, but it works for them.
Staying in a marriage for children is a bad idea. Children do NOT benefit from seeing an unhappy dynamic. I look down on my mother for taking my father back, after a years long affair was revealed. The idiot couldn't bear to be single, so she continued to slave after my father, despite the devastation he caused.
I'm surprised that I married, given that I have so many trust issues and bitterness. My husband patiently treated me well and my heart finally opened.
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