LostGirl

I am not looking for other people to solve my problems, but I'd love to hear from others who have been in my situation and maybe how they've moved past it. The problem is I'm having serious doubts about my marriage, and I've had doubts about the relationship I'm in on and off for the entire relationship. So much of the time I'm happy, but then when these doubts come up, I just feel like I'm falling apart. Here's a little background.

My husband and I have been married 2 years and been in a relationship for about 5 years. Neither of us ever had a serious relationship before, and when we met, I know we were both looking for the same things. We got along great immediately and quickly entered into a relationship. However, I always felt a lack of physical chemistry on my end. I liked feeling close to him physically, but I never felt a "spark" when we kissed and somehow always felt like there was something missing. To be perfectly honest, I really never felt anything when I've kissed a guy and when I read or hear about this supposed "spark" people seem to feel, I get upset that I'll never get to feel that. But I remained with him because we enjoyed spending time together, and he is a wonderful, thoughtful man and he made me happy most of the time. I really can't imagine anyone better than him for me, and I hoped over time that I would feel more strongly for him. Over time, our relationship has grown in a positive way. I never get tired of him and I'm happier when we're together than when I'm by myself. We have a lot in common and we don't fight often. I know how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life.

But at the same time, I still have these doubts in the back of my mind about our marriage. I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with him, and honestly I'm not sure if I ever was. It's like I want to love him more than I actually do and my heart just won't listen to my brain. During our entire relationship, I've had doubts. I remember thinking about breaking up with him so many times while we were dating. But I didn't do it partly because I was scared of hurting him, and partly because I didn't want to let a great guy go if there was a chance I could learn to love him more in the future. Sometimes I feel fine and content, but then I'll be reading about a romance or watching a movie where people talk about how they feel when they are in love, what they feel when they kiss someone they love, and how they are so sure about it and I just know that I've never felt sure about this...and then i get depressed. I can't even pinpoint what is missing. The closest I've come to describing it is a lack of passion. I realize fairy tales aren't real and that nothing is perfect, but I am certain there is something more that is missing. And I feel guilty because my husband definitely feels more strongly for me than I do for him. I really want to feel the same way, but I know I never have. I never felt "sure" of the relationship.

I went to therapy last summer for a while. And it felt better to discuss this with someone, but I never really came to any solution to the issue. Eventually I just started feeling better about my relationship and stopped going to therapy. But if these feelings keep coming up, I don't know if I should just keep ignoring them and hope they go away. We don't have any kids yet and I feel like I can't think about having kids until this is resolved in my mind because it will only make things more messy. I haven't been attracted to any other men since I've been in this relationship (in more than a "hey he's cute" kinda way) and it's not like there is someone else I want to be with. But I don't want to waste either of our time any more if this isn't right. To be fair, I ended up telling him how I was feeling last summer and he was definitely worried for a while. But he knows I am a person who has many irrational thoughts and I think he brushed it off as me just looking for things to worry about. And maybe I do. I don't know. Anyway, I'm just curious if anyone has felt this way before and if so, how you dealt with it. I decided to go back to therapy, but I'm just curious to know what impartial people might think about the situation.

Chris Taylor

I have to say that you have taken the right steps with therapy and being honest with him.

What's your sex life like? Do you feel any attraction to him in a man/woman sense or are you just real good roommates?

kendra2705

Hi this is awful for you as you have already married him. But I feel that in love this man isn't for you . However he will be a fantastic life partner and probrable father in the future . To be honest in my experience the men we do feel a spark with usually turns out to be the bad guy that breaks our hearts.

This is a difficult one because something is nagging away at you telling you it's not enough for you.

However you could go through life never finding what you have now. It's a hard choice to make depending on how old you are I would stay with your husband and try to make it work, but again one day this nagging thought will come to the surface until you do something about it. I feel for you as I have been there too , and after 7 years left , we are still friends now , and the guy I met afterwards I was so in love with but busted me wide open , and now my heart is sad. good luck

LostGirl

Chris- I am attracted to him and our sex life has gone through phases over the course of the relationship. It's been good at times and then other times it is nonexistent for months. To be honest, I don't think it's ever been great but at one point when things were really bad, we talked about it and it did improve drastically for some time. So I always felt like there was some hope in that department.

Kendra- I feel like you understand me perfectly. The only other guy in my life that I once thought I was in love with (before my husband) was more a "bad" guy and not husband material at all. I do know what I have and sometimes I can picture my life with my husband and see so many wonderful things in the future. There have been so many wonderful things already that I feel guilty for not being completely satisfied. I am 28, but I don't know if that really makes a difference in how to handle this...

jasmine

Hi Lost Girl,

I read your post and I could not believe how much your emotions mirrored mine at the moment! I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It is strange because I just found this forum and did not expect to see any posts relate to my situation. I was beginning to feel like I was the only one!

I too have been married two years..been with my husband for 5 years in total. We do not have kids yet and also in my late 20s.

I have had the on and off feeling too. Sometime I feel fine with us and the next, I just feel confused. He is so sweet to me and def a good man. When i first met my husband, we were actually friends first and it grew into something more. I cant say i found him attractive at first but he grew on me.. I too have had times when intimacy is good but i dont feel it is really that often.. most of the time i dont want too.. I am his first love.. but he is not mine. My first love ended up in heartbreak.. I often also watch the movies and feel the same way you describe in your post.

I was in counselling last year... as i was feeling so confused and actually was moving more towards a separation because i was really feeling something was missing and i really was just so unhappy. I also stopped my counselling sessions as things got better again. But i am now back to square one.. scared to speak out loud for it to be a reality..I do not want to hurt my husband and do want it to work. This is the first time i have let it out.. i have been lying to my friends telling them i am fine when really i am feeling terrible and worried for my marriage. I just dont know if we have a future together, i dont really know how i feel about him anymore..

I do not know what i am going to do either. But plan to explore this feeling because it is not healthy and i dont want us to think about kids etc when things are the way they are. I do want my marriage to work too but i just dont know howé

So i am sorry i can give you any advice, but know that you are not alone!

sisters359

I'm confused. You say you are attracted to him but there is no passion. Can you explain? Do you think he is attractive or feel a strong, sexual attraction to him? How would you describe the difference between your attraction, as it is, and passion?

daison

I'd rather be in a marriage founded on hard work and dedication, than a "spark". I hope the counselling helps you both!

I feel like if you truly want the relationship to work, and he does too, then any "hurt" you cause him will be quickly forgotten. It sounds like you (and jasmine) both have good relationships and with a little bit of work you'll come through for the better

pink7

lostgirl,

I feel exactly as you do in my marriage. I guess my situation may be a little more severe because I recently married about 3 months ago. Just as you, I love my husband, but I can't say that I'm in love. We dated over 8 years prior to marrying. Although we are intimate at times, I don't enjoy it as I feel a wife should. I kind of blame the many years of dating, ups and downs and cheating in the past (both of us at fault) for the lackluster intimacy in our marriage. I just think all of those years of dating has drained the excitement out of marriage. Maybe that's why I feel the way I do now. He is a good-hearted person, cares for my well-being and my family and I know he would give me the world if he could, but I think I married moreso for convenience and comfort. It just seemed like the thing to do after being together for all these years and I definitely can't fathom being alone now.

I have been so down about it all, I take pain medication ocassionally to relieve me. I even have thoughts of cheating again, but I pray God rid me of these temptations because I want to remain faithful to my vows. I haven't done any counseling since before marriage. I guess I should do more...

Prodigal

Once upon a time, I was young, married, and I kept wondering when I'd have that steamy, down-n-dirty, animal type lust for my husband.

Never had it. Our sex life wasn't bad, but I didn't get all hot and bothered thinking about my husband while I was at work.

He was a great guy; probably one of the nicest men I've ever known. But I just didn't feel any physical passion in a way that made me want to rip his shirt and pants off when he came through the door after work.

Four boring years into the marriage I had an affair with a jerk. But it certainly was great sex and I had the hots for the guy. I broke the affair off, came clean with my wonderful husband, and he forgave me. One year later, I was back on the affair-a-go-round with another loser. In that case, my marriage broke up.

So ... fast-forward to today. I happened to find my long-ago ex-huband on FB. Darn, he aged really, really well. And, with the luxury of age comes (hopefully) a bit more wisdom. If I had the ability to love when I was 23 with the mindset I have now, I would never have left a great guy.

I'm not saying you should stay or leave. MC may help, but in some cases the "spark" or certain physical chemistry, just isn't there. I don't know why. In my case, I found out I was drawn to slime because I (1) was rabidly codependent, (2) had no self-esteem, and (3) enjoyed the thrill of the chase. Immature and stupid would sum up my mindset back then. (And I AM NOT saying you are immature or stupid!)

Just take some time to look at your overall situation. A MC could offer suggestions to spark some enthusiasm. It may work. Just don't give up yet. Believe me, all that hot and frantic sex depicted in the movies and novels paints a false picture of what real love is.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

SockPuppet

IMHO the "spark" is when your brain cant tell the dif between love and lust. Im sure you can recall lots of stories about girls feeling the spark during the first kiss, and how they fell madly in love and are no happily married. Im sure for every story like this there are 100x more that dont work out.

Romance in movies, tv, novels are as real as the scenes in porn. Maybe this will offer insight 20 years down the road when you catch your hubby in the computer room with a box of kleenex.

You seem to have an agnostic outlook on love, if that makes any sence to you. Maybe even a little naive? I dont mean to insult you. That is not my objective.
After the honeymoon year I started to see the grass on the otherside of the fence. It was green. Really green. But I tell you what, the grass will always be greener on the other side, its just part of this materialistic, greedy, lustful world we grow up in.

I dont believe in soulmates, and find the entire idea of soulmates to be born of ignorance. My wife makes me very very happy. Could I be happier? Sure. But I dont need to be. Happiness isnt a 1 - 10 scale. Either your happy with who you are with, or you are not.

learning2love

Hello all,

I am a 34 year woman who has been engaged for 3 months. My fiance and I are supposed to get married in about 8 months. We have been dating for a year and a half and I have had so many doubts about our relationship even prior to the engagement. I don't believe that I have ever been in love with my fiance. My issue is that my fiance is a very loyal and committed "alpha" male but has an extremely difficult personality. He is overly opinionated and feels as if is a know-it-all. Initially, I had a problem with him not respecting my space and disregarding me when I needed "me-time". His overbearing personality caused me to start remniscing about my ex. My ex was the love of my life, we got along and we had a very passionate relationship. We broke up because I had a sexual encounter with a female and he couldn't get over it and pushed me away. We discussed the incident and he admitted that the fling was not the reason he pushed me away but rather, he felt as if he was not stable or mature enough to be with me. He claims that he felt that my fling was an opportunity for him to back out of our relationship. Although he won't admit it, I also think that he was unfaithful. My ex is 6 years younger than I so I felt as if he needed to experience life so I moved out of town and we ended the relationship. When I moved we continued to communicate and my ex said that he wanted to be with me. I said that if he wanted to be with that he would need to move where I was. My ex felt pressure and although we had a set date..never showed up.. After plenty of tears shed, rejection and heartbreak, I decided to move on in my life and allow him to do the same. About two weeks after tears shedding for my ex, I met my now fiance and we seemed to have so much in common. After about 3 months into the relationship I felt as if he was a bit demanding and disregarded me; I was not happy but have tried to make it work. In the midst of our relationship I expressed to him my unhappiness and he learned my feelings for my ex. Although I expressed to him my uncertainties and confusion about our relationship, he proposed. His proposal was basically his way of saying we are either going to move forward or not. I was not ready to make the decision to leave so I said yes. Now my ex who found a new girlfriend and is now breaking up with her is moving to my city..My fiance is working on his difficult personality..and I am confused...Please Help!! I don't know if I should be getting married??

kipani

Lostgirl chick flicks and romance novels have destroyed your views on how love should be. That's not love. That's a nicholas sparks novel. It's not reality. Sparks aren't real.

Are you attracted to him, or aren't you? If the answer is yes, congratulations. That's as close to sparks as you'll ever get in life with anybody.

Learning 2 love, can you start your own thread? People will better be able to answer you.

Soifon

I've been through that phase of picking "bad guys" and falling in love with them then having my heart broken. I met a man who seemed like one of the "nice guys", the kind I never chose to go out with. I thought he was attractive, though I wasn't attracted to him. As in he was good looking but I certainly wouldn't have turned my head to look at him if he passed me on the street. So I decided to give him a chance and then told myself that there was nothing wrong with him, he was affectionate, kind, thoughtful everything you are supposed to want so I said yes when he asked me to marry him.

I knew on my wedding day that I wasn't in love with him. He didn't excite me. I went through with the wedding though because I told myself, this is what I should want, a great guy, right? After three years of marriage I finally came to terms that I would never be in love with him and never be attracted to him. It felt like we were just roomates. I divorced him and have found someone that I love deeply and still feel that lust for. My SO now is someone that is all of the good things but I also cannot get enough of him. I am excited every day for him to walk through the door, I look at him at random times and just think how sexy he is and how lucky I am and he feels the same. What is portrayed in movies isn't real but I do think that having passion in your relationship is important.

Life is too short in my opinion to spend your time settling because you think you should be with someone. Just because a person looks good on paper if you aren't feeling it find someone that really does actually fulfill you. I can't say that you should leave or not, only you know how you feel in your heart. If you feel like you are in love with him then work through your feelings to keep this together. If you know deep down that you really don't love him don't waste his time or yours, especially since you don't have kids yet.

Trying2figureitout

Let me give all of of not 'in-love" ladies/wives some advice from the other side... dealing with a wife just like you all. Mrs not "in-love" but almost there... why? ACTIONS.


in-Love.... from both sides

loving ACTIONS towards your spouse produce loving feelings.

Shared ACTION are making LOVE which produce loving feelings.

Its all ACTIONS... to get the 'in-love' feeling.

You can't just sit around and expect it to OCCUR.
You women are too into how you FEEL (That is your weakness)... its up to YOU to create the FEELING... not your husbands.

He in turn needs to do his part....which he will. He responds to your loving ACTIONS.

Your husbands seem less than ideal in your heads because you all refuse to do ACTIONS that produce loving feelings.

You all just sit around and hope they come and come here and complain about it.

So either get busy choosing ACTIONS daily and with purpose that show love for YOUR SPOUSE so you feel loving about making them happy.

Or do them a HUGE favor and divorce them I'm sure Prince Charming is out there or hat BAD BOY you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Its up to each spouse to choose either individual or shared ACTIONS to produce loving feelings!

Its all ACTION not just sitting around waiting for elusive butterflies!


You get out of marriage WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT! You are all questioning "in-love" frankly be cause you chose INACTION over ACTION.

Look in the mirror.. what is he last loving ACTION you did towards YOUR SPOUSE??

I can literally list multiple ones each day... what do I get in return?
How many loving Actions do your husbands do? Do they wash YOUR CAR, do they take out YOUR TRASH, do they SAY I love you, do they bring you FLOWERS, do they kill the icky bugs, do they trap the mice, do they do your taxes, do they clean your garage, do they watch shows you know they hate to be with YOU, do they literally drive to four different stores looking for a music CD for you because you are going to a concert with friends later that week so you could listen to songs ahead of it, do they do anything you ASK... its ALL ACTIONS!

Does your husband ASK anything of you? I don't ask anything .... I only EXPECT sex.

I challenge you ladies what is the last truly loving thing you have done specifically for your spouse? Not your family.... YOUR SPOUSE.

That doesn't involve a holiday? What do you do multiple times DAILY for your spouse? Not your family...HIM?

Do you do it DAILY?

Your husband react to you based on you choice of ACTIONS he will step up his game if you step up yours to find that IN-LOVE thing you speak of.

Its a marriage not a high school crush! Takes WORK. Quit being lazy. Then you will find IN-LOVE. Start thinking of LOVE as ACTIONS instead of as FEELINGS.

You want it to just happen... NEVER WILL with that attitude. Do your part you control your ACTIONS. Start thinking what you can do to show your husbands LOVE... daily!

Wives believe what they do for the FAMILY of for THEMSELVES is good enough for their HUSBANDS. They feel that they are awesome, busy and he is lucky to have sex with you when you want and you don't need to worry about him. then you lose that FEELING and wit hold sex or give him less than great sex. That that makes him upset so he does LESS.

Women yes you need to give lots and lots of great SEX to your husbands... regardless of how you FEEL its an EXPECTATION (As he as NEEDS and no other way to get them filled other than YOU spreading your legs or other accepting some of him)and that's just the surface....You NEED to show your husbands loving ACTIONS daily. Every day for HIM. When is he last time you said 'I love you" to HIM. When is he last time you said 'Goodbye see you later" to HIM. When is the last time you HUGGED HIM. When is the last time you told HIM how much he means to YOU?

Quit living in your entitled fantasy world. GROW UP! Get Busy if you want to feel 'In-love'

Yes this is what your HUSBAND would tell you to your face if they weren't so afraid of YOU.
Men are so SIMPLE! Your FEELINGS are your downfall congrats on messing your marriages up all over feelings.

You married him..give him the WIFE he married.

kipani

HEY! I wrote my spouse a love letter earlier tyvm!