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4K views 40 replies 22 participants last post by  Invictusme 
#1 ·
My wife and I have a disagreement which threatens to destroy our marriage, because we are both very strong in our feelings. We would like to hear others' views and/or advice on how we can get passed this, and move on. Any posts would be greatly appreciated. Here's the situation: my wife and I live together in an apartment in Manhattan. My son lives in New Jersey, and I spend every other weekend in NJ with him. The alternate weekends, I am home in Manhattan. One recent Sunday morning, at around 9am, my wife got a call from her sister saying that she was taking the car to Costco and do some shopping, and invited my wife to join her. As we don't have a car, and this was a rare opportunity to do do bulk shopping, my wife said ok, and left me a nice note saying that she was going to Costco with her sister (I was still asleep). They ended up going to a couple of other stores, and she got home at 2:30 pm. Later that day, I told my wife that I was disappointed that she had gone out for so many hours without checking with me, because I was hoping that she and I would spend the day together. I told her that I really look forward to our weekends together and asked that, in the future, could she please just check with me before going out or making plans for several hours during our weekends together. I told her that I wasn't mad, just disappointed, and that, had she checked with me, I almost certainly would have understood and not objected, but I would just appreciate being consulted in the future. My wife however took great offense to my suggestion, saying that she shouldn't have to ask my permission to go shopping with her sister. She says that I am being totally unreasonable, and overly sensitive, and she has no intention of doing anything differently in the future. She feels that she wrote me a nice note, with hearts and smileys on it, and that was sufficient communication. She does not believe that, in the future, she should have to wake me and ask how I feel about it. I told her that makes me feel hurt because it seems that she doesn't care about my wishes. I told her that the only reason I feel the way I do is because I love her and treasure our time together, and that I'd hope that she respects my wishes. She says absolutely not, because she'd then be giving in to an unreasonable demand on my part, which suffocates her freedom. She feels that she went shopping for the two of us, and cooked me a nice meal that night (which she did) and that it is totally ridiculous of me to say that I was disappointed or felt hurt. She feels that I should be stronger emotionally, and not so needy. I, on the other hand, don't feel that I am being needy, but simply asking for a reasonable courtesy from my life partner-- a courtesy which I'm happy to show her in return, because I think that's how healthy relationships should work. She strongly disagrees and told me that if I asked ten people, all ten would agree with her. But I don't want to hang my dirty laundry for my family and friends, so I decided to post here instead, and hope that some of you may weigh in with opinions or advice. Thank you.
 
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#31 ·
You don't want to hear anything about your weekends away, except that you don't seem to get what a monumental thing it is that your wife goes along with it. I sure as sh!t wouldn't. ....I think you behaved poorly and should apologize. Why should your wife plan every waking moment around you when you're taking off so much? You owe her the same understanding she gives you.
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#35 ·
It's a lot easier to make the argument that a decision by the court was unfair because you had no say in it. You could build a case by providing supporting evidence to demonstrate why the court was unfair or in error.

But if the two parties agree to something, and submit it to the court to make it official, because they originally agreed to it, the court needs a very compelling reason to change it- because by the very nature of it being an agreement, the parties both claimed it was fair at the time it was signed.
 
#34 ·
Count me amongst those that think your reaction was unreasonable.

She had a rare opportunity to go to Costco with her sister ( in a car) allowing her to get items she can't get normally. (In bulk anyway)

Heck even if she was going to out anywhere with her sister for a few hours, she left you a note. You were asleep. She was gone on a Sunday morning. Read the paper. Set your fantasy lineup. Go back to bed.
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#37 ·
It is my court- mandated obligation to be with my son every other weekend.
Have you ever heard of such am agreement as this guy's?
I've never seen anything like that and I've read a LOT of case law.

My guess is that he's got visitation every other weekend and he's interpreting that to mean he has to be with his son every other weekend or he'll get in some sort of trouble, such as loss of visitation or contempt of court charges or something of that nature.

It's my understanding that a court cannot compel a parent to spend time with a child on such a rigid basis. That would be unreasonable. Even if he stipulated to such visitation that subsequently became "so ordered by the court".

I mean, think about it.. what would a court do? The mother takes him to court because he missed a few weekends. So what? The court isn't going to do anything about that.

If he totally stopped visiting his son, or rarely saw him, well then perhaps the mother could make the case for reduced visitation, but that's the way it works regardless of any agreements between the parties.
 
#40 ·
Honestly I can see both sides in this .. I am sure she had no idea you would be this upset since you had nothing planned and you go off every other weekend.. someone suggested she do this sort of shopping when you are away.. this would be very helpful but this was mentioned as a "special opportunity" or something...??

So I think she was blindsided by your reaction...

Now having said all of this.. I am the type of woman who would ask how husband feels, I run things past him.. I would have woke him up...He is standing here.. I explained both sides in this.. he would rather have been woken up also.. ... sometimes people are compatible in this.. and sometimes they are not... I can't even think of one argument over something like this in our 30 + yrs together..

I think people are geared one way or the other.....feeling "what is the big deal - I left a note, I was considerate"...whereas another person would have just APPRECIATED the "heads up".. that's all..

I'm feeling, if she woke you up...you would have handled this in a very different way.. do you think ?

Now that you & her are AWARE of your differences in how one FEELS (you aren't much for surprises)...I can just see it, maybe you woke up really in the mood.. then found that note.. and was ticked.. (was it something like this?)..

BUt anyway....just chalk this up as a learning experience.. and hopefully she will be more forthcoming in what is going on in the future..(as you would appreciate this -even if she thinks it's stupid)... especially if you are right there to ask... but this time.. give her a little grace..

It just seems you have both allowed this to snow ball... likely by your attitudes.. both defending your own point of view -taking it too many notches..
 
#41 ·
I understand both sides of this situation.

You feel you are asking her to respect your desires to spend quality time with her.

She wants to have some freedom within the relationship. My opinion is that you should ease up and let her grow her own wings as it were. She is not leaving you you know?

I think you are possibly being a bit overly animated about this issue, especially when it is not a regular occurrence AND SHE has had to conform to YOUR visits away every other weekend. How would you feel if on the day you're going to visit your son she suddenly says "I want to spend today with you. Please respect my wishes"

If you love her, let her fly. Your marriage will be better for it.
 
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