General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed. So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.
In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed. So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.
your insulting me with your attitude.
Out of all the friends we have they are all two income families thats just the way it is now days.
I guess in your mind only her happiness is important I was under the impression that a marriage is a team effort.and both should strive for each others goals.
pull your head out of your a-- wipe the s--- out of your eyes and look aroud.
women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
with no reguard to your spouse attitude.
do you think your entiled for some reason?
This is real life not some fairy tale. I'm starting to think I would have been better off never getting married in the first place.Whats next....... I never really liked sex that much so we arn't going to have sex or make love.
With an attitude like that I'd rather be single.
I know not all women are like that but there are a bunch like that thats for sure.
women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
with no reguard to your spouse attitude.
do you think your entiled for some reason?
This is real life not some fairy tale. I'm starting to think I would have been better off never getting married in the first place.Whats next....... I never really liked sex that much so we arn't going to have sex or make love.
With an attitude like that I'd rather be single.
I know not all women are like that but there are a bunch like that thats for sure.
You sound like you think she chose to just change her mind. I would think it is more like her entire life changed when she gave up her career, her identity in the work place, and much of herself to stay home and take care of two children. Our mentality, as you call it, is set by our experience, our life. It is not exactly uncommon for your ideas and mentality to change when your life changes....
Again, you have yet to relay here exactly what her reasons are, but yet you say you have discussed all of that with her... I am thinking you are missing her perspective completely and attempting to assume that after so many years at home, being little more than "mom" that she is the exact same person she was as the administrator in business.....
I was ready to take your side when it seemed you were actually concerned about her, and finding out what is really going on, but now you are kinda loosing me.
For my part, I'd not care either way if the woman I put through law school full time (not at night) ever got a job. So far it's been more than a quarter century and nothing. But that's neither here nor there. We live a rather spartan life. Never taken an actual vacation in decades. Don't go out to eat or the movies, don't shop, our cars are old. But I don't really care. What bothers me is the shrew never hesitates to piss and moan and whine about money. Roof over everyone's head, 3 kids in college with zero school loans. I'm holding my end of the deal up. If she wants a new fur coat for every day of the week, gold teeth and skydiving lessons in Scotland she can figure out how to pay for that. Beyond that shut up and sit down please.
chillymorn I know you're frustrated but you can solve this with your wife I'm sure of it. If you didn't care you wouldn't be here.
It seems like you have some anger over the "you guys make a plan" and then she doesn't go through with the plan.
You really do need to find out why that's going on. If she always gets things her way then it's not really a partnership. You've already mentioined that you know it's hard to jump back into the workforce. But if she makes no calls or makes no movement towards a job even though it's been agreed she needs to work. I'm at a loss.
Do you think you can both go to a few marriage counseling sessions for this specific issue?
women please explain this I can just change my mind mentality
with no reguard to your spouse attitude.
do you think your entiled for some reason?
This is real life not some fairy tale. I'm starting to think I would have been better off never getting married in the first place.Whats next....... I never really liked sex that much so we arn't going to have sex or make love.
With an attitude like that I'd rather be single.
I know not all women are like that but there are a bunch like that thats for sure.
These feelings of entitlement that your whining about, come from the fact that not only in the human race but in nature also, females choose period. Females choose their male mates from the fittest with the ability to provide. What's fairy tale thinking is the fact that you think a woman would stay with a man who provides less then another. As I've said men are hunters and women choosers, and if you aren't able to do what men should be able to without relying on your woman then she may become pray to a superior male. As far as a 50-50 .. I can help you out with that. She bore your children which is something you can never do and now you provide that's something you should do. If your failing that's your short comings not hers. She had the family as the woman and now you provide for it as the man.
As for your friends, you aren't them and neither is she. Those women may be fine having men who need to rely on them, but obviously your wife isnt. If you want to compare her to wives that work, finsh the comparison that while that's true for some, there's also men who don't and would never ask his wife to work. So as simple as you can say some women work, she can say other men provide enough so she doesn't have to.
Simply put, be a man or step aside and lose to a better one.
AHH and don't forget humans are the only species to effectively deny all sense of instinct, arrange their environment to suit their needs and defy all sense of "nature" in our being... GOOD LORD ooi... REALLY?
Every relationship has it's own dynamic that works, and every relationship grows and changes with time, and KIDS so you have to readjust your expectations and your being as life changes.
These feelings of entitlement that your whining about, come from the fact that not only in the human race but in nature also, females choose period. Females choose their male mates from the fittest with the ability to provide. What's fairy tale thinking is the fact that you think a woman would stay with a man who provides less then another. As I've said men are hunters and women choosers, and if you aren't able to do what men should be able to without relying on your woman then she may become pray to a superior male. As far as a 50-50 .. I can help you out with that. She bore your children which is something you can never do and now you provide that's something you should do. If your failing that's your short comings not hers. She had the family as the woman and now you provide for it as the man.
As for your friends, you aren't them and neither is she. Those women may be fine having men who need to rely on them, but obviously your wife isnt. If you want to compare her to wives that work, finsh the comparison that while that's true for some, there's also men who don't and would never ask his wife to work. So as simple as you can say some women work, she can say other men provide enough so she doesn't have to.
Simply put, be a man or step aside and lose to a better one.
She's gotten comfortable with the status quo and doesn't want a job - period. Reason she's hinted at you taking a second job.
Can't motivate her to work outside the home, she has to want it and motivate herself.
Who handles the finances?
If you do, then cut off anything that is NOT absolutely necessary - getting her hair/nails done, clothes for her (not the kids), special treats, etc. Tell her that there is NO money for them. If she wants them bad enough, she'll get up off her butt and get a job. If not, then at least you know she truly does have NO intention on getting one.
I don't know as there's a way to motivate someone to do any of this. It's not laziness or depression or any of those other convenient handles. It's goddamn entitlement. Period. I am sure my wife would watch the sheriff cart off everything we own before she got off her butt and get a paying job. Paying for stuff isn't her thing.
Damn!
With all your post(s), it sounds like your wife sucks big time!
Wife got laid off when our first child was 3. we decided to have another child and figured that 2 children in day care was costing us a very large part of her income.
We made drastic lifestyle changes so she could be a SAHM.Which I believe was fantastic for our children they do fantastic in school and mom enjoyed being a mom to the tenth degree.
But now the kids are older 12 & 8 yrs old.
The plan was once the kids were in school she would start looking for a job. there are some lagistics to consider but nothing we can't figure out. such as who would watch them after school and what would we do in the summer.
Now I'm not complaining that she is lazy. she tries to help by doing Avon and sewing but quite honestly It really don't help much and it take alot of time and wears our vehicle out in the process (delivering avon/sewing )
I have asked her to start looking for a job but she always has an excusse and is dragging her heels.
she was an administer in a big company and made a good salary
I have been out of my comfort zone finanacaly for 8 yrs. the house needs updated the cars need updated and we are just living pay check to pay check.
The economey is in the crapper and I think its time for her to put a good faith effort to find a decent job.........I've told her that she has a pile of options. That we are making it by so she could take her time and only accept a job that pays decent.
She has only applied for 2 jobs and they were part time in the last 2 years.
She has hinted for me to work 2 jobs. But I refuse because I didn't have children to be an absent father. I am very active in there lives. I coach 2 baseball teams do boy scouts and cub scouts not to mention fishing/hunting/bikeing and well the list goes on and on. I truly love being a father and spending time with our boys and I don't think it fair to me or them to have to take on another job.Not to mention my parrents are older and I have to spend time helping them with end of life issues.
I spend nothing on myself as there isn't much left over.but I feel like its getting overwhelming. I am starting to ressent her for not keeping her end of the bargin.
we haven't been on vacation and I keep the vehicls going by repairing everything myself but you can only jerry rig things for so long before they need replaced.
and the other day I found a credit card bill for over 6000$.... it got this high by charging some things that were an emergency.
its the only outstanding debt we have besides our home loan which is almost paid off.
Step 1: Get a home equity loan and pay off the credit card. You almost CERTAINLY will get a lower rate and a lower monthly payment.
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I don't know I'm just feeling some stress about all this
So am I a bastard for wanting my wife to get back to work!!!!
No way! BUT it sounds like there is room for compromise. How would it be if she DID get a part time job, allowing her to be home with the kids when they get home from school? Or perhaps she can have a flex schedule where one of you gets them to school and the other is home when they arrive home. But we don't even know if that is the crux of the issue.
There is nothing wrong with your being uncomfortable with the financial situation. But I would ask you what are her "excuses"? You classify them as such, but for her they may be real reasons that need to be overcome.
I would sit down and write a letter. Sometimes a letter will be taken more seriously. Write about your concerns. Ask for input into ways to solve the concerns. Take a step back from harping on her getting a job. It is likely the best option. But do the due diligence and explore whether or not there might be more options to consider. It will be useful in engendering her cooperation rather than resistance even if the final decision is for her to return to work.
If that does not bear any fruit, I would seriously suggest a marriage counselor BEFORE years of this create resentment and all sorts of other bad feelings develop that need to be raked through. Get her to see how this is stressing you out NOW before it gets worse.
She's gotten comfortable with the status quo and doesn't want a job - period. Reason she's hinted at you taking a second job.
Can't motivate her to work outside the home, she has to want it and motivate herself.
Who handles the finances?
If you do, then cut off anything that is NOT absolutely necessary - getting her hair/nails done, clothes for her (not the kids), special treats, etc. Tell her that there is NO money for them. If she wants them bad enough, she'll get up off her butt and get a job. If not, then at least you know she truly does have NO intention on getting one.
This sounds harsh, but it is not a bad idea. I had to do that to un-bury us from a former financial disaster a few years ago.
In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed. So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.
I disagree BIG TIME.
Doesn't matter if times have changed, she's gotten older, etc. She AGREED to a plan and now doesn't want to uphold her end of it.
She's gotten used to staying at home and doing what she wants, when she wants (kids are now 12 and 8, they take care of themselves more than she does) and doesn't want to upset the applecart.
And SO WHAT if he's jealous and has resentment towards her? Why not, they've living paycheck-to-paycheck while he works a full-time job and he's not supposed to request that she help out, especially when she agreed to when they started out on this journey?
I'd have resentment too if I was working my butt off trying to meet the mortgage, bills, food, etc., and my wife refused to get a job and help out - he's right - they're BOTH on this team. Just because he's the man it's not his JOB to be the sole supporter of the family. She's a part of the family too and if they're having issues with meeting expenses and living paycheck-to-paycheck, I would think she would WANT to help out and ease the burden on her husband, not add to it.
Instead, she suggests a second job! Selfish, self-centered and lazy - I would have never burdened my husband with working a second job, I'd get up off my butt and get one myself to help out, not suggest HE start working more.
In the 8 years, you haven't made it to a point in your career to not require your wife to work? Now if that was the agreement before, I guess she was fine having a husband who needs the help of his wife to make a family work and that's on her. On the other hand, peoples minds do change, especially being faced with the actual situation.
If she is suggesting that you get 2 jobs think about it, is your financial situation so desperate that getting a 2nd job is required? If not, then a 2nd income must not be that imporant/needed.
That makes no sense. Most kids are in school SEVEN hours a day. That is nearly a full times worth of hours. He should deny himself his time with his children so that she can be unoccupied for SEVEN HOURS every day?
Seven hours a day is simply not necessary to keep house. And if she is to resume work, one would imagine OP would step up his contribution to the house keep.
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So then if that's the case, why are you pushing her to work? Is is perhaps jealously and resentment that you have had to work all this time and she hasn't? Well, not to burst your bubble but with most men that isn't a choice. Besides, no good man would have those feelings from supporting his wife and family.
Re: How to motivate wife back to work 
