REW

So it has been slightly over a month since my break up. About a week ago we started talking about getting back together. But where do we start? We still live together and we have started to sleep in the same bedroom again. We went out to dinner the other night and he asked if I would wear my engagement ring. I told him no and that I just couldn't jump back to where we left off. I don't know where to begin. I know it wasn't easy for him to come back after breaking up with me, especially since all of our family knew. I don't want to give him my heart again, not yet. I'm afraid to love him again. I don't want to get hurt again. He says I can trust him, that he knows leaving me was a mistake.

One issue is that the girl he was messing around with when we were broken up (he never cheated on me). They still have contact with each other, on facebook and texts. Most of it is because they have the same group of friends and are in the same club on campus. Her facebook messages said that she wanted to work on their friendship, rebuilding it to what it was before all of this went down. I'm scared that rebuilding the friendship will make him see that he made the wrong choice of coming back to me. They have a lot in common. I told him I was scared of this, and he told me I didn't have to worry about it. How do I deal with him and her seeing each other? I am in class all day, and I know most days the group of friends that they are in get lunch and hang out afterwards. Just the thought of him and her hanging out makes me panic.

So I guess my questions are how do we rebuild the trust? How do we rebuild the relationship? How do we make the relationship better and make it last?

loren

One question REW, what has changed between now and when he broke off the engagement? Is the only variant factor that his new bit of stuff didn't work out...? Are you sure you can trust that you're not just his backup plan? What is different now? Don't ignore that feeling in your gut, it's there for a reason. Are you really sure you can spend the rest of your days looking over your shoulder? Broken trust is hard to recover from. Remember that not too long ago, this man looked you in the face, took stock of all your qualities, qualities that he has come to know over the past 4.5 years, and told you point-blank that you were not what he wanted. What has changed? I would seek answers to these questions before sleeping with him and putting on a ring again. How do you know he didn't just get lonely? Is that enough for you, being a warm body in the bed? Have his words truly assuaged your fears about this other girl and your fears of abandonment? After what he put you through, the least he can do is prove his seriousness this time around... What has he done to prove he wants you, other than said the words you were longing to hear? Why would he still be in touch with this girl, knowing she came between your relationship in the first place? Shouldn't he be prioritising YOU now, if he's serious about learning from his mistakes and giving it a proper chance? Tread carefully here, and really weigh your options before jumping back in...

__________________
Am I perfect? No. Just better than I was a moment ago, hopefully.

Hicks

I recommend you stop cohabitating with him, focus on graduating and getting a job... And in the future find a man who is settled into a career situation before considering marriage.

REW

I know that I am not just a warm body. The thing he had with the other girl was going fine, and I could see them working out, which was the sad thing for me. They share(d) a lot in common. And I eventually just let go of trying to get him back. I mean we still lived together, but it was just roommates. I'd say Hi in the mornings before I left, and I wouldn't worry about talking/texting him the rest of the day. I was going about my life, living for me, not answering to anyone but myself.

I have changed a little and so has he. and I am slowly seeing the changes in him. I have found my own group of friends, I am starting to be more independent. I have learned to let go of things, what happens happens. I no longer constantly remind him of things, I am not his mother. I have become a lot more honest with myself and others. I am no longer afraid to say what I feel.

As for him, he started to do chores around the house, dishes, trash, laundry. He still forgetful about things. I believe this is because of the ADD. He is spending less time with his friends, and more with me. The only contact he has with the other girl is when she mass messages the group of friends on facebook or lunch and meetings with the club. I have let him know that every time he goes out with the group and the other girl is going to be there that it sets me into a panic. So when I ask him not to go, or even when he sees me start to panic, he wont go. My panic attacks have become less frequent.

We have sat down and talked. Setting boundaries for our new relationship. My counselor said this would be a good start. We have also talked about the future, not as in marriage, but just as we grow up and graduate. I told him that I don't want to be with a bum, and that he needed to get a job, graduate, and start taking initiative in life. Since then, he has started to apply for jobs for the summer, and getting his classes for next fall.

I am still living for me, focusing on graduating (1more year!), not thinking about marriage. Sure down the line sometime, but I am not putting it into my plans.