Hi Michzz- Thanks for your reply. The values I was talking about were that even though we are not married, we have the same 'values' as married couples do. Such as we agree to be monogamous, raise our girl, ect. Not necessarily individual values. Sorry I think I may have worded it incorrectly.
I agree that he uses this statement as a convenient way to shut me up. Because truthfully I don't know how to respond. He claims to care because he 'gave up' the bars and that kind of life for me & our child. When in actuality he just brought the bar home. Our daughter is young so she is in bed before she see's how drunk he can get, but I do wonder about the future when she can understand.
I know that not being married it should just be easier to just leave. But him & our girl are close and she loves him dearly. I'm afraid she will hate me for leaving. Despite his drinking, he loves her and is a good father for the most part. This I know, if we split he will manipulate her into thinking it is all my fault. When she is older she will be able to understand my point of view, but right now she will not, I'm afraid of the impact on her younger yrs.
Thanks again for your advice, I'm seriously thinking of doing what you say, just a bit chicken!
You might want to rethink the statement about being a good father. Good fathers do NOT manipulate their kids - for any reason.
It sounds like he is manipulating you with the nonsense about you knowing he drank when you married him. Okay maybe marrying him without addressing the issue wasn't the best decision. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with an undesirable trait forever.
And you are right to be concerned about the future. How are you going to talk to your daughter about the danger's of drinking if she sees her own father getting drunk in the living room? It is true that for awhile kids will do as they are told but after a certain age they will do as they see you do. How can you justify a double standard by telling your daughter not to over indulge in drinking if she sees her own father doing it? If he is truly a loving and caring father try to present it to him that way and see what his response is?
It is to bad that your husband didn't grow and mature the same way you did. Most of us give up the bad habits of our youth as we mature or at least learn to moderate them. Obviously your husband did not.
Interesting to see this, because I have a similar situation but with smoking instead of drinking. My husband has been a smoker since I met him at the age of 20. In fact, I met him when I went up to him and asked him for a cigarette. I was never a real smoker, but would smoke on occasion when drinking. Anyhow, to this day when I approach him about quitting he reminds me of how we met. I quickly remind him that I wasn't about to judge him then because I never imagined that he would still be doing that 15 years later. I was drunk out of my tree that night but I hardly ever drink anymore...because I've grown up and because I have a family that I want to grow old with...a daughter that I want to see get married.
But the more important issue here is not the words that he uses on you to justify his acts, but his addiction to alcohol. Sounds like he definitely needs some help and if he isn't willing to put his family first and get some help, then I would probably be re-thinking our rel'p. It is highly unlikely that you will ever be happy if he continues drinking. I really hope that he is willing to get some help at some point.
I've been married to an alcoholic for 8.5 years, and we dated for about two years before we married.
I have heard some real gems:
"I know I have a drinking 'problem.'"
"I'm an alcoholic."
"I really need to get into detox."
Yeah, so what? I'm a blonde. ACTIONS are what you need to look at, not what he says.
An alcoholic is in denial to himself about his drinking, for the most part: "I can stop whenever I want to stop," "I can control my drinking," "I like to unwind, I enjoy drinking, so what?" Blah, blah, blah.
Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. The damage this is doing to your child is very real. I know many ACOA's (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) through my attendance in Al-Anon. Many of them end up marrying addicts. Young children are far more aware that something is wrong with an addicted parent than we realize.
He doesn't want help. Do you? How about trying some Al-Anon meetings? The people in those rooms have lived up-front and personal with the disease and can give you understanding and support. Not every meeting is great, so the only request made to newcomers is they try six meetings to see if the program is a good fit for them.
My husband held a high-level government job, he was a meritoriously decorated Lieutenant Colonel in the Army, he has a graduate degree in engineering. An intelligent man, with a keen understanding and knowledge of what do in combat, how to build all sorts of structures ... but an alcoholic who self-destructed to the point that he eventually lost his job and trashed his marriage.
ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. As the years go on, if you decide to stay, you will see it for yourself.
Give some serious consideration to getting counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for yourself. If you can afford to move out, you may want to give that serious consideration too. I've known plenty of alcoholics who have hit very ugly bottoms. I've also known some whose bottom was six feet under. Sad, but true.
Thanks everyone for the replies. I have many alcoholics in my family, so i guess when I met my man, seeing another alcoholic really didn't phase me. In truth, I was a naive 23yr old who kinda thought most men were this way. It wasn't later I noticed that not all men are heavy drinkers.
Like 4sure said, he uses this comment to basically tell me he's not willing to even try to quit. He really thinks that because he only drinks beer, and doesn't really do anything bad, that it shouldn't have an impact on his family. He says he likes drinking, it makes him feel better. I say I would like to have a life and go out sometimes, he refuses to believe that his actions are embarrassing for me. Says I care too much about what other people think. Maybe I do, but when he is the only one in the group that can't stand up strait, it's hard to be proud and say "that's my man!" Then the looks of pity I get from others just p's me off.
I am thinking of getting into some kind of counseling for myself. Even if just to get up the nerve to leave. Just sort out what I really want out of life I guess. For so many yrs the concentration has been on him, keeping him out of trouble, basically play by his rules, as to not set him off on a worse drinking binge. I don't really remember who I am anymore. I feel I have changed back to the person I was before i met him, but still feel lost at the same time. If that makes any sense at all.