General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Quick background, been with my man for 13yrs, we have a young daughter, not legally married, but live as we are with the same values and such.
Here's the thing, he is an alcoholic. He does not deny this. Yes, it is true I knew this about him when we started dating. But, to be honest he embarrasses me on the rare occasion we go out, to the point I don't want to go out with him. This is only one aspect of our life his drinking affects. When I mention his drinking, his standard reply is "I was this way when we met, why does it bother you now?"
I was just wanting to know if anyone had any opinions on this statement. I realize I knew this about him, but I was a different person back then. I have changed through the yrs. Is this statement that I've heard several times over the yrs a substantial argument for his case, and I should just suck it up because I knew?
You were 'in love' when you both met and it blinded you to the real problem at hand - he's probably an alcoholic.
As you've grown and matured, this is not how you want your life to be and it's not acceptable.
Doesn't matter if he was drinking when you met and it didn't bother you - it bothers you now.
My husband also drinks a lot, everyday and more than he should. His excuse is that he can stop anytime. Yes, he's stopped for a month here, a week there - but never truly stopped because he picked it up again - when you quit - it should be for good. I believe he is a functioning alcoholic, but he doesn't and nothing I have done has changed things.
Doesn't matter if he's done it for 50 years - it's no longer acceptable to you. He either addresses that, or you address what you will do in response.
I know how frustrating it is though to watch someone self-destruct and there's absolutely nothing you can do - you're entirely helpless - it's up to them. Sometimes it takes rock bottom for them to realize that.
My husband apparently has not hit rock bottom yet.
Let's not bash him too hard. He has a point regardless of how miniscule it may be. He did have a drinking problem when you met. The problem is, you probably didn't address it enough from the jump. There's a difference between being with someone and knowing their issues but have discussed them and how to help them over come the matter and just blatantly ignoring them because you are still infatuated with each other.
Yes, over time people change. You have been open and willing to do that. Your spouse, not so much. But he has a disease. Please do not take offense to this but you should spend less time comlaining about him and wondering what your next step should be, and more time finding ways to help him. You love him. You care about him. Believe it or not, he has that same love for you and your daughter. But he is sick.
Be strong and willing to endure what it takes. It's going to be difficult. But don't discount all of the fun and wonderful things that you guys have shared through out the years...
Um, no, you do not have the same values. He is an alcoholic and his drinking has become an increasingly uncontained negative in your life together.
You thought you shared the same values, you do not.
He doesn't care what his boozing does to you and your child.
It is a convenient idiotic thing he says to you about his addiction.
What? As if you signed a contract to accept it?
I don't think so.
If you are not married, maybe you ought to consider leaving him.
Hi Michzz- Thanks for your reply. The values I was talking about were that even though we are not married, we have the same 'values' as married couples do. Such as we agree to be monogamous, raise our girl, ect. Not necessarily individual values. Sorry I think I may have worded it incorrectly.
I agree that he uses this statement as a convenient way to shut me up. Because truthfully I don't know how to respond. He claims to care because he 'gave up' the bars and that kind of life for me & our child. When in actuality he just brought the bar home. Our daughter is young so she is in bed before she see's how drunk he can get, but I do wonder about the future when she can understand.
I know that not being married it should just be easier to just leave. But him & our girl are close and she loves him dearly. I'm afraid she will hate me for leaving. Despite his drinking, he loves her and is a good father for the most part. This I know, if we split he will manipulate her into thinking it is all my fault. When she is older she will be able to understand my point of view, but right now she will not, I'm afraid of the impact on her younger yrs.
Thanks again for your advice, I'm seriously thinking of doing what you say, just a bit chicken!
It really doesn't matter who did what before y'all married. The issue is the present and what you are prepared to live with. Some things are acceptable as a child but they're not acceptable for a husband or father.
The guy is sick!
Even if you want to leave him because of his drinking, he needs to know the damage that it does. Tell him. Strip it down. Be very matter of fact. Black and white. People seem to disregard as alcoholism being a disease.
If you lay it all out very matter of fact, all cards on the table, and he still denies help, then take the steps to walk away.
But you have to give him a chance to say no to the help. You need to give him tangible evidence of his drinking and the harmful affects that it has on you and your beautiful daughter. If he is that close to her, show him the damage that he can cause.
But he needs help...
To Marriedwifeinlove: A functioning alcoholic is EXACTLY what he is! He claims that because he never misses work, picks up our girl from daycare, ect. that his drinking doesn't cause a problem in our relationship. Makes me feel like an idiot for complaining. His health is deteriorating, to the point where it affects our sex life (or lack of one I should say). He also says that because he only drinks beer (12pk a day) that he is not a 'bad' alcoholic. He never drinks at work, just when he gets home. So, from about 4:00-9:00 he slams approx 12 beers, then passes out. Sorry your going through this too. It is hard to watch someone literally drink their life away.
To just_a_guy: I see your point. He does have a disease and this has been addressed so much through the yrs. He is afraid to go to doc because he thinks they are going to tell him he is dying. He said he would rather not know. I'm not a nag, believe me. He even says he loves me because I don't nag him like previous g/f he's had. I guess I feel we have concentrated on him for so long, when is it my turn? I just would like to go out to lets say a concert, and just have a good time. Well the last time that happened I got knocked over by him and ended up in some guys lap! Then this guys g/f gets all up in my face like I'm trying to take her man or something. What should of been a good time ended up being an embarrassment. This is only one example. I have plenty of others.
Yes there have been good times and he is not a bad guy. I do think he loves me and our daughter to the point he would be crushed if we left. Then his alcoholism would only get worse. He is totally NOT willing to give up his beer, he states this as plainly as anything. AA is not an option to him because he likes his drinking and doesn't see it as a problem.
To Pandakiss: I don't really put any restrictions on him. He is an adult and I'm having a hard enough time trying to be a mom to our girl Let's just say I was in a different place when me & him met, had a total different frame of mind back then. I changed, but I just changed back into the person I was before we met. If that makes any sense I guess I just found myself again!
Thanks Everyone. I really need to see all these views, because I just kind of feel closed in right now.
You're absolutely right. At some point it does need to be about you. My wife I'm sure had that same thought a few times without coming out and saying it. I am not a drinker but I had demons of my own that took me a while to figure out. My wife is much wiser than me given we are almost 7 years apart in age. I am 27 and she is almost 7 years older. She has dealth with my immaturity in every aspect of it. One day I saw it all. And even I said, "what about you hun? Let's focus on you. We have spent so much negative energy on myself, let's put some positive back into you, us."
Obviously my scenario is different. But in the end, I saw my wife's cry for help, though she was more blunt and straight forward with it.
I hope that he can over come whatever it is that he is going through. I hope that your family stays in tact and moves on to more positive times. A few haave suggested it already, it might eventually come down to having to separate yourself from the situation.
Best of luck to you. I feel for you. I really do...
The guy is sick!
Even if you want to leave him because of his drinking, he needs to know the damage that it does. Tell him. Strip it down. Be very matter of fact. Black and white. People seem to disregard as alcoholism being a disease.
If you lay it all out very matter of fact, all cards on the table, and he still denies help, then take the steps to walk away.
But you have to give him a chance to say no to the help. You need to give him tangible evidence of his drinking and the harmful affects that it has on you and your beautiful daughter. If he is that close to her, show him the damage that he can cause.
But he needs help...
I agree he does need help, and he refuses to believe this is a problem. It has been laid out for him many times over. He has had 8 DUI's in his life. He has only had his license for the past 3yrs that I've known him. He had court mandated counseling, but he never quit drinking during that, and after it was over and he did his 'time' it seemed to leave his mind all that was said in these meetings. I have tired to help him, I REALLY have. He is a good guy, but he is also a guy that I feel neglected by because we never do anything together anymore because he wants to stay at home and drink.
I am all for saving this relationship (well, most of the time) but it just gets old. I get lonely and sad. Just don't know if i can hang on for the duration.
Hey just_a_guy, I'm glad you and your wife are working on things. Relationships can be so hard. He is 10yrs older than me, yet he is the more immature one! I'm not going to give up yet, but I'm gettin tired!
I don't think it's even possible for a chronic substance abuser to truly love anything other than their drug of choice. My best friend was a raging alcoholic. I ended up arresting him for 3 counts of attempted murder. He had to hit rock bottom. He spent a few years in the slam but he emerged healthy, clean, and sober and he's stayed that way since. He'd be the first to tell you that while he was a drunk, his only love and only concern was drinking. I hope your husband confronts his demons before they steal everything from him.
I hope I never have to see him hit rock bottom. I feel if I were to leave, that will be when he hits rock bottom. The only time he has ever been violent was when drinking whiskey. He has sworn that off and has not touched it in over 8yrs. He only sticks to beer, and that just makes him a stupid drunk. With beer he is just a happy go lucky dummy. It is amazing what different chemicals you put into your body, the different reactions it has. Can totally make you a different person.
Throughout the yrs he has been arrested for numerous things. The court costs and lawyer fees were crazy. He has not had problems in that area for quite awhile, but if I were to go, I'm sure he would go right back to his old ways. I don't know if I could live with the guilt of having my daughter watch her father head down that path of destruction. All I know is I seem to be getting unhappier by the day, and he just carries on as if life is grand. Really just don't know what to do.
Alcoholism is incredibly damaging to those who have to live with it.
Alcoholics = master manipulators.
Kinda like that statement he's making to you to excuse his behavior "I was like this when we met." That's a classic alcoholic's manipulation type statement. That DOES not make it ok. How many of us partied it up a bit much when we were in our early 20's - ya know college days and stuff? THEN WE GREW THE EFF UP! See, that's the difference! AND Alcoholism is progressive - so I'm sure if you think about it - you'll realize that he actually ISN'T how he was when you met him. I bet he's worse.
Yeah, I've dealt with two alcoholics - dad and husband. They BOTH have delivered some doozy of lines like this to me over the years. I REALLY need to write a book.
Point is - you need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. Tell him he needs to get help. And it's HIS responsibility to get that help - NOT YOURS. You can be supportive while he gets it - but you CAN'T do it for him. If he won't, then you need to leave and get on with a healthier life.
"I was this way when we met!" Opinions? 
I guess I just found myself again!
