Should i leave???? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-18-2011, 12:59 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Should i leave????

Hi to anyone who reads this. So im very confused, broke and lost. basically my defacto and i have been together for 5 years. we have a 4 year old (fell pregs very early unexpectantly) and 2 year old. The problem i have with my partner is that he hates working. Any type of working actually. When i first met him he was unemployed - but he i dodnt know that until i fell pregnant. He was lying to me - apparently he was embarrasst to tell me. He loves not working though.....he potters aroud the house and visits his friends. He is 33 years old and a very smart and handsome man. People dont judge him because he plays it up and lies to his friends and family about his work. Since we've been together i can not count the number of jobs he has had. Some earnt him as little as $300 per week while others $1500 per week. He has never been fired - he always just finds another excuse to leave. Not happy, too hard, too hot, boring. You name it - ive heard it all! His mum tells me that he has always been like that - even before i came along. He is very much a taker but never gives anything back. I have lost EVERYTHING since we have been together. My car, My savings and pushed me until i went bankrupt 2 years ago. I had a personal loan when i first met him and we could afford the repayments (if he was working) instead he told me that we would never be married unless i went bankrupt. I am so embarrasst about it and have told no one. Once i went bankrupt i came across some paper work hidden in our room - he was bankrupt too!!! He has put me into debt with the governtment too, claiming payments that we are not intitaled to, then im getting thousands of dollars in debt every time tax time is here. I have always worked part time after our first child was born. And am now looking at going back to work fulltime - because i am sick of relying on him. I cant earn too much though because of my bankruptcy but he has been discharged so he should be they main income earner. His parents think he is still employed, i usually tell them that he isnt and that he is lying to them - but im sick of having the same argumentwith them all the time. He hasnt had a job since december last year. He quit with out tellin me, then the day before xmas break finished he told me he is having another week off because his back is hurting. He has nerve damage in his spine - which happened in 2009. He had an epidural for the pain and really hasnt had a problem since. The doctor game him so medication that helped him soooo much and told him to rest - which he was doing anyway. he said to come back for another epidural if it comes back. Nearly two years on he still uses it as his excuse - but wont go back to the doctor, wont get the epidural, wont take the medication. But he thinks he cant go to work, but goes to the gym everyday and lift very HEAVY weights. I cant talk to him about it because e just gets defensive and lies to me. Its a never ending battle. He is always borrowing money of his dad, hocking some house hold items or trying to get money out of something or someone. we have a joint account and i never know where the money goes to. He insists that we have all the extra benifits like cable, internet, best phones etc. but we cant pay for them. I have no where else to go, no money and no hope that he is ever going to change. From the outside we look like a perfect couple. Because i dont tell anyone the real him. We are renting in a nice house and we look after our things. So thats good enough for him.
His parents tell me that im too good for him and they are just waiting for me to walk. My mum passed away 2 years ago and he never once visited her in hospital (she was there for 4 months) whinged at me for wasting fuel to go see her and then faught with me on her funeral day because he didnt want to wear a suit - that my mother paid for before she died. He doesnt celebrate my birthdays, fights me me every mothers day and tells me how lazy i am EVERYDAY. He has this horrible side to him, but he can also be such a charmer. I feel so stuck. He is wonderful to the kids and a great dad. I know i need to leave - to rethink the situation but i have no where to go. Ive dug myself this massive whole and i cant get out of it The car is his and ive told him to leave before but he gets aggressive and nasty - not wanting to believe anything is wrong. The only hope i have of seperating is if i leave. We got engaged over a year ago - I bought the ring from my inheritance from my mum. The thing is that he wanted to propose to me properly he said. So he kept the ring for 6 months befor he proposed. He did it at his parents house one night, nothing nice said. We had No money (his parents werent home) but i thought he could of put in a little more effort. 1 minute after proposing to me he smoked pot infront of me. He was so selfish and ruined it for me. he that he was amazing though. I hate drugs so badly. and i have tried to break up with him over it many times. he always tells me that im over reacting and that he isnt smokig it but i find his seceret stashes and i can tell when he is stoned.

I have dug myself this massive whole. All i ever wanted was nice things and a loving partner. With him - i feel like i get nothing. I havent told my friends or family what he is really like, i guess ive been kidding myself this whole time. everything just seems so easy for them.

I dont know what to do. WHere am i going to get $5000 from to move out and take care of my kids. i cant even get a loan! He will make it hard for me and i know that im getting painted as a materialistic *****. But im not materialistic, i just want someone who really gives a dam about where they are going in life. What do i do????

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-18-2011, 04:08 PM
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Re: Should i leave????

Do you just want someone to tell you it's ok to leave your husband? It sounds like you have a few good reasons, so take your pick and go. He's NOT a good father if he refuses to get a job and contribute to the family, smokes dope, lies, etc.

Are you looking for solutions to your problem? How about his parents? Can they help you (give you a place to live till you get things back under control, etc)? They ARE your children's grandparents, after all. How about a woman's shelter? Any family or friends that can help you?

How about setting up a personal bank account, and start funneling some money into that. It might take awhile, but at least if you get started, you'll start moving forward. If you don't start this month, next month you'll be no closer.

Are you working? Can you support yourself after you separate?

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 06-06-2012, 08:34 AM
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Re: Should i leave????

Sell the kids used clothes on ebay. Sell anything around the house you don't use on craigslist. stash it all to move out til you have enough. He is not going to stop smoking and if you have talked with him and has not changed then leave and don't go back. I ended a relationship with an exboyfriend that didn't want to work best thing I ever did. He lived in my house trying to take advantage of me. He would buy his mom glasses and write on the check they were for me. Thank god I used my debit card. He told me after I kicked him out he would go to court to try to say he helped with mortgage. Thank god I used my checks and pays went into my account so I could prove he was a complete liar. just trying to use me. Last I heard he was living back off his mom. Drinking all day.
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