In a bad marriage...
I don't know what to do here.
After being single for almostg 20 years I made the mistake of marrying a man I didn't know very well. We lived at the time in the same area and I met him online. I met him once for coffee. He seemed very nice, I was very lonely, however I told him I was probably going to be moving out of state so I wasn't interested in a relationship. He seemed to understand however he called me often. This went on for about 3 months. We didn't go out, he would just call me about once a week. I was unemployed at the time, and had been for 18 months. I had moved cross country to take a better job only to be laid off. My life was going nowhere, I knew no one, had no friends, and didn't have enough money to move back to where I was from. I was in a really bad, vulnerable place in my life. I finally found a job in another state so I moved there. This man continued to call me every week. He started asking me if he could come and visit me and I put him off for a couple of months, but finally told him he could visit me (again, very lonely), but he would need to stay in a hotel. He agreed to this so he started flying to visit me every weekend. He insisted he wanted to see me each weekend. He stayed in the hotel for about a month, then I agreed he could stay with me. This man was very nice to me, wined and dined more than anyone ever had. There was not physical attraction on my part and I was having a hard time with that. I kept thinking that I needed to look at him as "the diamond in the rough" kind of guy. You must know I've only been in love once in my life (I'm 61), so for me I protect myself.
This scenario went on for about four months, then he (he is 65) asked me to marry him. He wanted me to move back to his state because he couldn't move to where I was living because he had his own business at that time and couldn't move. I told him that if I moved back to his state I wouldn't work anylonger as I felt I couldn't buy a job in his state, and given the bad experiences I had had there I wasn't going to work there. He said that he made plenty of money, so I wouldn't need to work. I also told him that I hated his state and if I did marry him then when he retired I would want to move out of state, and he said that this was fine. I also told him that I had used up all of my money and I was literally broke, and I had filed for bankrupcty, and I just wanted him to know this.
He said that he didn't care about any of this, that his money would be our money.
So, I took a leap of faith and we were married, he paid for my move back to his state. I had furniture, household stuff, my car, etc., etc.
Keep in mind I didn't know my husband very well. We were with each other only on the weekends. BIG MISTAKE.
I get moved back to his state; he is very loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, and giving.
His place was very crowded...he lived in a very small one bedroom with an office condo, and had I known how small it was I wouldn't have married him without some other kind of arrangement made as to living conditions. He described the place as a roomy nice place..
After about a month he told me I need to sell my stuff, including my car, and my computer that was not very old. He said my stuff was older than his stuff, so it would make more sense to sell my stuff. I was still making a car payment and he wanted to get out from under the car payment. I got a twinge of a bad feeling in my stomach over the thought that I would be selling everything I had and he wasn't losing anything. But, thinking that I was now married and we were trying to make a life together I squashed the bad feeling. We sold "all" of my things, including my car and my almost new computer. He had two laptops, so he thought we
didn't need my almost new computer.
From the day we married my husband wanted sex every single morning and more if I agreed. I thought this odd coming from "an older man," but squashed that because I figured that we were newly married, so this shall pass. For me I'm comfortable with sexual activity about twice a week, anything more is too much for me. I only like sex in the morning once in a while.
After about three months of being married I started noticing my husband was drinking much more than I had thought. In the past he would have a drink before dinner, and possibly one after dinner but that was it, and I was ok with that. I noticed my husband drinking more, and more, and more. I started keeping track of how much and what he was drinking. I realized he was drinking three straight vodkas when he came home from work around 4:00pm. He would then drink a glass of wine at dinner, then after dinner he would drink one scotch and water, a beer,
two straight whiskeys, and before we went to bed he would drink two more scotch and water. This is ten drinks a day! I about died!!!!! He didn't act drunk at all. I couldn't believe this.
I watched this behavior for a long long time, and was realizing that he must have been drinking like this most of his life and this really bothered me a lot. I have a very bad past with alcholism in my family, and I want nothing to do with alcholics!!! This became a very big issue with me. I chose at that time not to say anything to him about this behavior as it so far hadn't affected our relationship.
About six months into the marriage we had our first fight and I can't say now what it was about, probably something silly, but what came out of that fight was a behavior I didn't like and it changed my attitude towards him. He, that night did act drunk, and were were yelling/screaming at each other. I told him I didn't like sex every single day, and he told me that "if I didn't give him sex "whenever" he wanted it, he'd make my lif miserable." I was astounded by this remark, and it really soured me on him.
Since that time I've realized that my husband is a sex addict. If I don't give into him every single morning, he becomes very angry, he pouts all day, is rude to me, basically he acts like an a__hole!
We've had many many fights over this issue and he won't chang his belief. I'm his wife and it is my obligation to give him sex whenever he wants it and if I don't, then he will be mean to me.
My husband is also an alcholic to the max. He drinks sooooo much, every single day. He doesn't think he has a problem as he is a functional drinker. We go to church each week and are very active in church, yet no one knows of these issues. I've threatened to go to our minister with these issues and he has told me that I would regret that.
I don't love my husband, and now I realize I never did.
I still have no money. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could make enough money here to support myself.
I don't have any family that can give me any support, be it financially, or otherwise.
If I did go get an attorney, there is problems with that. In this state we must be seperated for one year before a divorce is fild.
If I went and filed for seperation....I would have to use his credit card to pay for it, and then one of us must leave the home.
Knowing my husband, JUST AS SOON AS HE WAS SERVED HE'D TAKE OFF AND TAKE ALL OF THE MONEY OUT OF ALL ACOUNTS AND I'D BE LEFT HIGH AND DRY.
The only other idea I had was to basically when he wasn't home, I'd have to pack my clothes in one suitcase, and go get money out of the bank, and fly out of here. Maybe I could find a freind to go and stay with out of state...but that is not a sure thing.
So............I've stayed for seven years for financial reasons.
I hate this!