In a bad marriage...
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default In a bad marriage...

I don't know what to do here.

After being single for almostg 20 years I made the mistake of marrying a man I didn't know very well. We lived at the time in the same area and I met him online. I met him once for coffee. He seemed very nice, I was very lonely, however I told him I was probably going to be moving out of state so I wasn't interested in a relationship. He seemed to understand however he called me often. This went on for about 3 months. We didn't go out, he would just call me about once a week. I was unemployed at the time, and had been for 18 months. I had moved cross country to take a better job only to be laid off. My life was going nowhere, I knew no one, had no friends, and didn't have enough money to move back to where I was from. I was in a really bad, vulnerable place in my life. I finally found a job in another state so I moved there. This man continued to call me every week. He started asking me if he could come and visit me and I put him off for a couple of months, but finally told him he could visit me (again, very lonely), but he would need to stay in a hotel. He agreed to this so he started flying to visit me every weekend. He insisted he wanted to see me each weekend. He stayed in the hotel for about a month, then I agreed he could stay with me. This man was very nice to me, wined and dined more than anyone ever had. There was not physical attraction on my part and I was having a hard time with that. I kept thinking that I needed to look at him as "the diamond in the rough" kind of guy. You must know I've only been in love once in my life (I'm 61), so for me I protect myself.

This scenario went on for about four months, then he (he is 65) asked me to marry him. He wanted me to move back to his state because he couldn't move to where I was living because he had his own business at that time and couldn't move. I told him that if I moved back to his state I wouldn't work anylonger as I felt I couldn't buy a job in his state, and given the bad experiences I had had there I wasn't going to work there. He said that he made plenty of money, so I wouldn't need to work. I also told him that I hated his state and if I did marry him then when he retired I would want to move out of state, and he said that this was fine. I also told him that I had used up all of my money and I was literally broke, and I had filed for bankrupcty, and I just wanted him to know this.
He said that he didn't care about any of this, that his money would be our money.

So, I took a leap of faith and we were married, he paid for my move back to his state. I had furniture, household stuff, my car, etc., etc.

Keep in mind I didn't know my husband very well. We were with each other only on the weekends. BIG MISTAKE.

I get moved back to his state; he is very loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, and giving.

His place was very crowded...he lived in a very small one bedroom with an office condo, and had I known how small it was I wouldn't have married him without some other kind of arrangement made as to living conditions. He described the place as a roomy nice place..

After about a month he told me I need to sell my stuff, including my car, and my computer that was not very old. He said my stuff was older than his stuff, so it would make more sense to sell my stuff. I was still making a car payment and he wanted to get out from under the car payment. I got a twinge of a bad feeling in my stomach over the thought that I would be selling everything I had and he wasn't losing anything. But, thinking that I was now married and we were trying to make a life together I squashed the bad feeling. We sold "all" of my things, including my car and my almost new computer. He had two laptops, so he thought we
didn't need my almost new computer.

From the day we married my husband wanted sex every single morning and more if I agreed. I thought this odd coming from "an older man," but squashed that because I figured that we were newly married, so this shall pass. For me I'm comfortable with sexual activity about twice a week, anything more is too much for me. I only like sex in the morning once in a while.

After about three months of being married I started noticing my husband was drinking much more than I had thought. In the past he would have a drink before dinner, and possibly one after dinner but that was it, and I was ok with that. I noticed my husband drinking more, and more, and more. I started keeping track of how much and what he was drinking. I realized he was drinking three straight vodkas when he came home from work around 4:00pm. He would then drink a glass of wine at dinner, then after dinner he would drink one scotch and water, a beer,
two straight whiskeys, and before we went to bed he would drink two more scotch and water. This is ten drinks a day! I about died!!!!! He didn't act drunk at all. I couldn't believe this.

I watched this behavior for a long long time, and was realizing that he must have been drinking like this most of his life and this really bothered me a lot. I have a very bad past with alcholism in my family, and I want nothing to do with alcholics!!! This became a very big issue with me. I chose at that time not to say anything to him about this behavior as it so far hadn't affected our relationship.

About six months into the marriage we had our first fight and I can't say now what it was about, probably something silly, but what came out of that fight was a behavior I didn't like and it changed my attitude towards him. He, that night did act drunk, and were were yelling/screaming at each other. I told him I didn't like sex every single day, and he told me that "if I didn't give him sex "whenever" he wanted it, he'd make my lif miserable." I was astounded by this remark, and it really soured me on him.

Since that time I've realized that my husband is a sex addict. If I don't give into him every single morning, he becomes very angry, he pouts all day, is rude to me, basically he acts like an a__hole!
We've had many many fights over this issue and he won't chang his belief. I'm his wife and it is my obligation to give him sex whenever he wants it and if I don't, then he will be mean to me.

My husband is also an alcholic to the max. He drinks sooooo much, every single day. He doesn't think he has a problem as he is a functional drinker. We go to church each week and are very active in church, yet no one knows of these issues. I've threatened to go to our minister with these issues and he has told me that I would regret that.

I don't love my husband, and now I realize I never did.

I still have no money. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could make enough money here to support myself.

I don't have any family that can give me any support, be it financially, or otherwise.

If I did go get an attorney, there is problems with that. In this state we must be seperated for one year before a divorce is fild.

If I went and filed for seperation....I would have to use his credit card to pay for it, and then one of us must leave the home.

Knowing my husband, JUST AS SOON AS HE WAS SERVED HE'D TAKE OFF AND TAKE ALL OF THE MONEY OUT OF ALL ACOUNTS AND I'D BE LEFT HIGH AND DRY.

The only other idea I had was to basically when he wasn't home, I'd have to pack my clothes in one suitcase, and go get money out of the bank, and fly out of here. Maybe I could find a freind to go and stay with out of state...but that is not a sure thing.

So............I've stayed for seven years for financial reasons.

I hate this!
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: In a bad marriage...

In a bad marriage, cont'd.

I forgot and left some things out.

About a year after we married we purchased a new home. We furnished this new home, so I was happy about that. Since that time I've accumulated "stuff".

My husband was forced into early retirement due to his business failing (I think the failure was his fault). His credit was ruined to say the least. We went into foreclosure on our home and at that time we had two vehicles, so my husband sold one (without talking to me about this), so we are now down to one vehicle.

We moved to another state, a state where my husband was born and raised.

We live in a three bedroom apartment, renting a storage facility because we did move everything with us.

My husband is a very controlling, manipulative man. We are in a large power struggle in our marriage and have been most of the marriage. He wants to control me in every way and I fight this constantly.

My husband "still" is very generous, kind, loving, thoughtful. However the "other" side of him is ugly.

He thinks I've bankrupted him. I have not. We view money very differently. I believe in budgets.....he said he would never live on a budget!! And this is not to be discussed!! End of story!! He doesn't know how to handle money at all. He is now on social security and inheritance. We don't have much money at all. He spends a lot of money on booze, and now if I spend one dime, he goes balistic!!! Where did the "I will take care of you, and my money is "our" money go?????

We don't have the same goals, desires, needs. We don't want the same lifestyle.

My husband wants to live in a one bedroom condo somewhere, live in a very minimalistic home, with no television, and just sit around, reading books and having sex and drinking all of the time.

I want to live in a Victorian home, with a large yard, with antiques, or a farm house with animals. I am a quilter, and I'm an avid gardener...these are my passions. I want to entertain a lot, have lots of friends. My husband wants none of this.

He wants me to sell all of our belongings....again for me......and move to a smaller place.

One of my fears is that if I stay with him then I am stuck right here in this apartment and will never get out!! Most of my single 20 years were spent living in a very large city living in apartments, which I hate and it is very depressing to me to live like that.
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: In a bad marriage...

Roddie123 here, cont'd.

I've thought several times that maybe I need to just hang in there in this marriage until we've been married 10 years. At least that way I would get his social security.

Also, I hate the thought that if I did leave him I'd most likely need to leave with just the clothes on my back, so that being the case,

maybe I should sell everything we had pretty much (my husband would be very happy), then when I did leave at least I could take some of that money with me.

I don't know. I've really got myself into a pickle.

My husband knows he has me trapped, I'm sure of that.

I hate this!
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Roddie123 here again...I'm sorry I keep forgetting things.

When I moved to the state where my husband and I met I didn't have much money to begin with. I moved there, for a promotion, only to be laid off several months later. My old job was no longer available, and I didn't have the money to move all of my stuff across country.

I wound up on unemployment for 18 months, depleting all of my savings, and wound up using credit cards to pay for groceries, etc, etc., as my unemployment checks didn't cover all of my debt, so I had to eventually file bankrupcty. I had AAA credit up to that time.

While single, I had AAA credit. I didn't have much money, but I had good credit. I lived by a very "strict" budget, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to support myself.

When I moved for this promotion my life changed 100 percent. I didn't have any money. When I moved to another state for this job I finally got, I had to borrow the money to move.

My husband and I view money entirely differently and it has caused many problems with us.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Roddie again...my husband is out, so I'm trying to type as fast as I can, and obviously I'm forgetting things.

My husband before we were married I found out later, has a history with women. He's been married twice, he left his first wife for another woman that he met online. She lived out of state, he moved her to his state, then left his wife of 35 years. He said she wouldn't give him sex.

He then left this woman for another woman he met online, and he married her.

Had I known any of this before we married I wouldn't have married him. He has a MO.

Several months back I got on his computer and found that he is browsing internet dating sites. I dont' care, but I think he is trying to meet someone, then he will dump me.

He won't be the one to end this marriage unless he meets someone. He doesn't want to give me any money at all. I think he too feels trapped. He has to have a woman around because of his sex addiction. Here he comes so I must close.
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Old 03-18-2011, 08:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: In a bad marriage...

If your husband doesn't live by budgets, he wouldnt notice a $20 missing here, a $10 there. Even a few singles at a time. Do that for a month or two while you DOCUMENT all of this. Once you have a few hundred dollars in CASH that only you know about, pack your little bag, head out to the bank and get out as much as you feel comfortable with that he WILL know about, and head for a women's shelter. Once there, you will get all of the advice you need: legal, psychological, physical.

Once he see's you have actually left, he will want to change, FAST!! He won't be able to comprehend that weak little you could take a stand like that against HIM. Talk to a lawyer. You should EASILY be able to get half that inheritance he has and a chunk of his Social Security forever.

No kids, that's a huge +. Being a 61 year old woman running from a marriage with very little will be terrifying. But I'd rather live in a box under an overpass than in an abusive marriage like that.

One of the few stories I've read on this site that actually tugged at my heartstrings. Good luck to you.
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Old 03-20-2011, 12:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Roddie here,
Last night was interesting. I went to bed at 9:30, and my husband stayed up. I woke up at around 11:45, and I could hear this noise from the living room. I figured out my husband was crying very loudly. I thought this very weird. I laid in bed and listened for a while and he was just sobbing....saying things like, well, well, well, f__k this, f__k that. I know that since I went to bed at 9:30, and it is now 11:45, he must have had even more booze. I thought this weired. I just went back to sleep.
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Old 03-26-2011, 09:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Roddie,

So sorry you are experiencing this pain. There is no doubt that your husband has serious problems with substance abuse and addiction. So in the end that is probably not workable.

I am in a similar situation, and unfortunately the pattern is that late in life marriages have one aspect in common; the risk of two people with very different values deciding to marry.

This link was posted here the other day and it explained a lot.

http://www.counselingonlinesite.com/...age-breakdown/

"...spouses often try to resolve their conflicts by repeatedly stating and restating their respective rationals during disagreements. This strategy of repetition usually doesn’t work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values."

Sad but true.
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Old 03-26-2011, 02:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I had thought until today that the best thing for me was to stay put in this horrible marriage until we've been married 10 years. At least that way I could get his social security.

My mother is elderly and lives across the US from me. I'm an only child. She has macular degeneration. She has hinted to me on more than one occassion that she needs me to be living closer to her. She knows about my marriage situation. Today, she did say that I was welcome to come and stay with her if I needed to.

My husband has stated several times that he would move to where my mother lives, then several days later he sayes he doesn't want to live near her at all, not because he doesn't like her, but because he doesn't like the area.

My husband is extremely wishy washy on this issue and it has caused me much stress.

Finally today we had a blow up about this issue and I came right out and told him that I was leaving and moving back home to be closer to my mother sometime between August 1st(when we have to give notice on this apartment we are in) and October 1st..when we must be out.

I thought that I could possibly stay with him until I could get his social security (another 2-1/2 years), however, at this point I don't think I can last that long. He is abusive, and I don't want to stay with him any longer than I must.

Now, if for whatever reason he decided to come with me, then fine, I will try and hang in there for the 2-1/2 years longer, but I'm pretty sure he won't be going with me.

What I'm going to do between now and August 1st is call an auction house and give them a lot of my stuff, so when I do leave, and I will know by August 1st whether he is going with me or not, I will have the money from the sale of my stuff to go with, and at this point I don't care what kind of a job i find, I will be done with him!!!
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Old 03-26-2011, 03:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Not only is the marriage bad, but it's all the more worse because you are feeling the effects of the equal-opportunity destroyer known as alcoholism. His opinions will change, his position on whatever will change, his pity parties will change, his moods will change ... in other words, expect the unexpected.

Me? I'd be out the door so fast all he'd see was the dust flying behind me. Don't hang onto this loser to get a chunk of his social security. That is wishful thinking.

You have a mother who is willing to take you in. If you inherit everything from her, he has no rights whatsoever to any of the inheritance. Whether you live in an equity state or a community property state, an inheritance is considered a gift. A gift is not considered "commingled funds."

You will be one heckuva lot better off without this man in your life. You can allow him to victimize you and you have the right to remain in victim-mode. After awhile, a victim is nothing more than a willing volunteer who turns over her power to another person.

You can wait until the perfect month, perfect day, perfect year, or perfect phase of the moon. There is never a perfect time because that's just life. There are plenty of attorneys who work at the county level who will do pro bono work and give free legal advice. The county government can furnish you with the names of attorneys who render such services.

Divorce the jerk. If he tries to harrass you in any way, keep a record of it (texts, emails, voicemails, etc.) and get a restraining order. You might have to take a part-time retail job while you live with your mom and get back on your feet, but it's a lot better than staying with an addict who is nothing more than a liability and a loose canon on your deck.
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Old 03-26-2011, 05:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Roddie here.

Wednesday, I'm going to take a taxi and rent a car. I will park it somewhere here in the development.

When my husband leaves to go tutor on Thursday, I will walk to get the car, drive it here, pack it with as much stuff as I can get into it; my clothes, etc, my dog and I will drive away.

Monday, I will go to the Safety Deposit box, get the $6,000 that is in it, my passport, etc, and I will transfer $10,000 to my personal checking account so then when I leave on Thursday I will have some money.
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I especially like your saying that every marriage cannot be saved and that it takes TWO people to make it work. I think that’s the #1 thing ALL couples need to remember!
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I wish you all the best, roddie. Sorry for coming down so hard on you, but you deserve a decent life, and this character was doing nothing but pulling you down.

Please keep us posted on how things go. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:26 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I don't want to sound negative but I would suggest keeping your guard up and keeping an eye on her.
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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When your marriage is bad, you will henpeck your spouse into doing any number of things, ranging from folding the laundry correctly to buying the right brand of milk at the grocery store. Your spouse will make a sport out of not doing the things you ask, because he doesn’t see the point.
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