General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well despite all the crap that my wife and I are going through I have hope that we can save our marriage. She's told me before that she was interested in separation to give us some time to find us. We had a bad incident Wed and she filed a temp motion to have me out of the house and cant contact her. She has not filed for seperation "yet' or divorce. I assume that if that was what she wanted while she was at the court she would have done it there. Also she has changed her facebook status to "Single" despite being married legally. Her toxic friends were saying things like "go girl" and xyz wants your phone number. She also deleted me, my mom, dad, sister, and brother. But not step brother and sister from her friends list. After talking to family and friends most of them are shocked at this behavior. Her mom told me that she talked to her after this stuff happened and she told her mom that she needs time to think. She has a lot at stake to loose if she looses me. 1 our son has no daycare I am the one that stay's home with him during work hours, 2 I get things done around the house etc, 3 she could be at liberty of loosing her job, 4 also at liberty of loosing the condo, 5 her income doesn't support the condo, insurance, car payments phone and bills on a monthly basis. I had lost my job and have been actively looking for work. I'm not sure the options she is weighing in her head or what is going through her mind at this time. She is not acting herself. She suspended my cell phone and put a passcode so I can't call into them and get information. We have 1 son together and a step son. I think in my eyes it will be very hard for her. One thing that confuses is me is that when she deleted me from her fb page I have 2 accounts that I had set up and she knows that I had them both but she didn't delete that particular one. I also think that if she wanted to erase the fact that were married she would have deleted our photos from her page as well. I don't know what to think right now other than I hope she makes the right decision because I don't want to loose her. I know her sister commented that she was going through some bs with me, and it wasn't going to be fun. Should I take that as a sign that Divorce is coming? People have told me that she needs to have her space and not be around me right now and I am willing to give her some time. Or am I just in denial because it is truly over?
We had a bad incident Wed and she filed a temp motion to have me out of the house and cant contact her.
Could you add some details to the "bad incident"? If she has a temporary restraining order against you, I assume you got somewhat physical with her, or threatened to do so. Please correct me if I am wrong.
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Originally Posted by NightEagle1981
She has a lot at stake to loose if she looses me. 1 our son has no daycare I am the one that stay's home with him during work hours, 2 I get things done around the house etc, 3 she could be at liberty of loosing her job, 4 also at liberty of loosing the condo, 5 her income doesn't support the condo, insurance, car payments phone and bills on a monthly basis.
When I read this, it struck me that she may have hooked up with someone who has the means to pay for such things. Why is she in danger of losing her job?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightEagle1981
One thing that confuses is me is that when she deleted me from her fb page I have 2 accounts that I had set up and she knows that I had them both but she didn't delete that particular one. I also think that if she wanted to erase the fact that were married she would have deleted our photos from her page as well.
I know I have looked at the small things to try to make sense of past break-ups. What I came to realize was I was grasping at straws - anything - to keep up hopes that a break-up wasn't occurring. She may just have forgotten to delete one of your accounts and been lazy about deleting the photos.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightEagle1981
I know her sister commented that she was going through some bs with me, and it wasn't going to be fun. Should I take that as a sign that Divorce is coming? People have told me that she needs to have her space and not be around me right now and I am willing to give her some time. Or am I just in denial because it is truly over?
I don't personally know you or your wife, thus I have no way of confirming whether or not it is truly over between the two of you. Sounds like it is to me. When will the temporary order expire? At that time, I'd confront her and ask her point blank if it is over for her. You may get an answer, or she may skirt the issue. Nobody, including you, knows what is going on inside her head. It certainly doesn't sound positive to me.
Right now it's very hard. I think she's taking the time to really process things. Her process is a lot different than mine. If she had the time to delete me and my parents from her facebook and having the same name it would have been deleted. I'm really confused about everything right now I'm very depressed and right now for me the only thing keeping me going is my son who I haven't seen in day's. I'm worried about him but dont know where he is. She didnt file a restraining order it's a temporary relief from abuse order. I've never abused her. We've had fights and stuff. But things blow over.
Thank you for clarifying about the order. Here's the thing: you put your hand on her arm. Lovingly, or not, you touched her in a manner that could be construed as restraining her. Couples don't have to be going toe-to-toe and punching each other out for the law to consider it assault.
You say you touched her arm lovingly; she apparently said you touched her in a way that was rough and/or restraining her from moving away. That's the law.
She may need time to process things, you may never know why she deleted some stuff about you from fb and not others, and she may want more than just time to process ... sad, but true. She may be getting ready to file for divorce. It also sounds from your first post (which I read after my initial response) that she could be having an affair with the guy you confronted.
sorry to hear of your experience. i think she is having an affair. I had hunches of my bf, who i've met 5 months ago, a month and a half ago, he kept clicking the mouse quickly to me that was a sign, we discussed the fact he was on zoosk and plenty of fish I pin pointed the history and his replies-yes i caught him in lies and deceiving. i packed up my bags and left, after a few day's he told me "you have no idea how bad i feel". so i moved back, things where good for 5 days and he was not himself with me again, the ignorance and non-relationship frustrated me. he is now seeing another girl, has pic's and text's like mad to her, been on several dates and it's not even one week of getting back together. he claims his x court cases is interfering with us, he can't outright say "i miss you" or send any curteous text messages while we are at work. i've caught him in another lie, i googled "liars", i was amazed of all the different types of liar's. He has alot of symptoms and needs help. I now know he is a player, and he deleted me from fb as well, he's got alot of chickie friends on there. I'm tired of being hurt which brings in the deceit forefront when he disappears with no contact 7 hours at a time. he now displays the passive aggressive behavior and flips that i'm in the wrong. i confronted him and he steers the subject, i text him few times out of care and how was work, instead hours later he say's i'm at the pub, i asked him if he's on a date-he got mad, instead of simply saying "yes or no". i've got proof he's got a gf, my plan is to let him move to another province as he plans without me,(he was already in another province a few week's ago, n out there he never tex at all, i got 12 phone numbers and tex messages that he had an affair with, i know he's lined up in the other province) now i'm left with bills he incurred and no place to live, he doesn't care about my well being at all, he says he's going to pay instead jus racking the bills now. i know i gotta stop giving and trying, he's a player and chronic liar, that gets a thrill to meet other girls, and a gold digger to pay his bills. the feelings i go through are, lifeless like no-one cares, hurt, upset, and think i'm not a good person at all, what's wrong with me and i feel like the bad person. i know i need counselling to go through the grief and loss of my boyfriend and my experience. i don't know if any of this helps, i do know it sucks to be unloved and not being able to communicate with a loved one who i thought loved me back. we don't communicate at all anymore, doesn't matter what i say or do or how i say it, he's apprehensive (also under the chronic liars i googled). best of luck and there is nothing wrong with you, you are a good person
Well I went to the house to collect some stuff today and found that someone had changed the locks and fixed our back door. I went to our room to get cloths and someone removed my rifle, gun belt which only had a hunting knife, all my ammunition etc. I don't know if my wife has been staying at the house but my orders are not to be there and thats not where I'm going. I have to go to court on this temp order which could possibly turn permanent. I hope that the order will get dismissed. On a good note I found some paper work on separation on the table and they were not filled out. I think my father in law is the one that fixed the door and changed the locks. Dont know what that say's because I don't have key's. It just seems so one sided at this point. I briefly talked to my father in law and he didn't want to hear it he said he wasn't getting involved with it. I really dont know. I want to be with my wife because despite everything I still love her and can't picture my life without her. Im sure that people say life goes on, you'll find someone else. We're only 3 months from our 1 year anniversary as being married. My friend said that he talked to her and said she was staying away till the smoke cleared but that she said it was over. But on the other hand I see clues etc. I really dont know what to think right now other than I'm going to pray and hold hope that my wife will come to her senses and be with me.
Okay, I'll be blunt here. Pulling your FIL into YOUR marital woes is not the way to get things settled. Wisely enough, he said he didn't want to get involved.
Your wife is finished. Done. Kaput. When I've walked out the door on a relationship, that was it. I didn't look back.
The fact that your wife hasn't filled out the separation forms means nothing. I think you need to get into some sort of counseling ASAP to start dealing with the grief, because your marriage is over.
To continue being blunt (because I think your sense of denial needs a wake-up call): you may "feel" you're in love with your wife, but I think you should try to step back from your feelings and look at what she is doing: possibility of an affair (BIG possibility), got an order against you, and apparently doesn't want you anywhere near her; now, or in the immediate future.
I realize you are hurting, but you also sound very needy to me. JMO. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Well the reason I still hold hope is because I found out before that she had done the same to ex who was more abusive. Her parent's said that the likely hood of a divorce is slim to non. Her process has been the same. I'm almost sure that she will want to reconcile with me. I'm going to give it time, until our son's birthday. It really sucks because our 1 year is in July and we have a hotel room reserved. I believe that we will be together by then. She needs her space right now and being away from each other will pull us back. She is her own person and I think once she gets this crap out of her system. I'm sure she see's what it does to her kids and she's going to have to look at the bigger picture of the future. Holiday's etc. I know people think I'm in denile but I see the signs I've talked to people close to her that know her best. Her parents. If we were getting divorced they would have told me they're straight up people. I only have until Thursday to get things squared away before our hearing on the motion and the possibility of her withdrawing the order is possible.
Like it or not, I think you are in denial, to some extent. I also wonder about YOUR identity. It seems as if everything is about her coming back, you needing her in your life, pinning you future on her return.
Do you have interests and hobbies you pursue with friends? Maybe you should just get your mind off HER for a few hours. After all, you own your life an you must have had one prior to HER walking into it.
Right now things are up in the air with the relationship. How about being kind to yourself and getting outside and taking a long walk, going to a park, visiting with friends ... anything other than obsessing about this. You can't do anything this very moment anyway, so why not take control of your own time and try to relax a bit?
If she comes back, fine. Meanwhile, you owe yourself a little down-time to take care of your own mental health.
I'm with Prodigal... I think she's done. And as far as I can see, the best thing you could do is step back, let her have her space, and let things settle down between you. Don't worry about your 1 year anniversary (in July!), for crying out loud... That's still 3 months away! Worry about becoming a calm, controlled individual that can talk with her and deal with her on a rational basis.
So you had a temp restraining order, but went home to find the doors had been fixed and the locks changed... Did you go there with permission? Did you bust in, so you could find that your stuff was gone from there? And to be honest, if your wife really is concerned about you being violent, I don't blame her for moving your guns and knives somewhere else for now. And why did the door need to be "fixed"?
I'm giving her space but I hear things from others a lot of mixed info. Her mom says the probability of divorce is slim. She told my friend it was over. She's made a new facebook but kept the old one. She deleted me and my family. No I did not go without permission. I think her father fixed the doors. Back door had an issue with the handle. I can understand why they took the fire arms and I'm fine with that. I'm about making her feel safe if she needs to. I had to get cloths and stuff. I have no idea if she's packing up my stuff or what. My plan right now is because I know neither she or I can afford a separation so I would like to separate until our son's birthday. I wont be staying there but I would like to contact her, also be able to watch my son during the day at the house and when she gets home I leave. This way she can have some her time. Also I'm turning over all weapons to my father who will take care of them until Deer season. I want my wife to feel safe and I want to work on our marriage. I'm also going to tell her I will be attending anger management and counseling. Maybe this will shift her decisions to stay.
Nighteagle, sorry about the comment on the breaking in. Just when you combined the fixing the doors and changing locks...
While your decision to attend anger management and counseling may not have an immediate impact, showing that you're serious about changing things over the long haul is more likely. Keep it up!
I just can't live my life like this anymore. I've told my wife before and didn't follow though. I dont know why she acted out in the manner she did. I have seen that I have issues and so does she now weather right now she wants to fix them or not is her thing. I need to fix me before I can fix us. I hope when we go to court Thursday that she will drop this stupid order thing. I just want us to be a happy family again. I want to go back to the way things were when we were dating/engaged. She said that getting married although was a good decision might have been wrong. We were different people when we were engaged.
Well the wife and I had to go to court today from this order. The court said that being a concerned husband is not abuse and the order was denied. I think she was upset about the situation but I heard that now she wants to talk to me. I have to take care of something else before hand but it will be nice to talk to her soon
Will wife come back? 
