How to explain that you are going back

woodstock · 03-20-2011, 10:21 AM

Here is a different kind of question. In my current relationship (on and off 3 years) this past year, especially last summer, was an epic fail for us. things got way out of control and ugly. I swore off of him twice out of hurt/anger and frustration.

Now the problem is that we are trying again, although in a way we never have before that is looking OK so far (no guarantees, but that's OK for now). That said, on my end there are only two people that I have told that we are giving it another go. One, who has seen it all from the beginning, and as with everything is supportive, the other, who only saw this past summer and only heard from me the horrible things that happened, I think is disappointed and even a little angry.

That's not all. I have yet to discuss with my mother that I am seeing him again, as well as my daughter and have been fudging about who I am going out with at night when I see him. I HATE doing that, but I am struggling with how to explain to people who love, who saw me hurt so badly, who heard me say all the bad he did that I am back. I need to get across to them not only that there are reasons we are together but that the past was not all him, it is just all I showed them. I had a good bit to do with it.

I am not afraid of being judged for it as much as I am just hurting the people I love or seeing a look of disappointment on their face. I know from the past that no matter what, they will support me and love me, but it is still very difficult.

I am planning on including my daughter in an afternoon walk with my SO (she even just talked yesterday about how she kind of misses him, yet she also remembers seeing her mother hurting so I struggle there, but it is difficult to be single and have a relationship without your child being somehow aware or part of it). He has also mentioned that he misses her. We will see what happens, I am a little nervous it is too early but logistics are logistics LOL.

I am also considering taking my mom out to lunch this week to talk about it a little. I know it is more about me than what she will actually say or feel, but I have ALWAYS been afraid to disappoint my mother on certain levels. We are very close, I am insanely protective of her and I remember her relationship struggles when I was young. It's complicated and extremely hard to articulate where I am at. I know she will say little if anything about it, she is just like that and has NEVER in my entire life, stuck her nose into my relationships or offered her opinions of them (though at times I wish she would, but its just not like her to do that) I know she has opinions but she is not the type to put them on other people. She is about letting us (her daughters and anyone else) make our own mistakes, but will also always be there on the other end to help us pick up the pieces (she IS an amazing woman, beyond words).

It's just my struggle to share with people who only saw certain things in my relationship, that I am giving it another go and cannot even explain why I feel I have to give it that chance, other than it IS what I want, and it is what he wants. AND it IS different this time.

Anyway, not sure if I was just needing to express myself here, or if I am looking for advice, but I am always happy to take advice of others, so if you feel a need, I am listening

greeneyeddolphin · 03-20-2011, 11:23 AM

Well, with the adults, it's a bit harder. But I would just tell them very bluntly but politely that you have decided to give this relationship another chance. Explain that you two have realized the mistakes you made and have found a path to take this relationship down that you think will make it a successful relationship and you want to see where it goes. Tell them you appreciate that they will be concerned for you, but that you would appreciate their support, and barring that, that they keep their negative opinions to themselves.

Your daughter...ok, maybe I was wrong, and the kid is harder than the adults. lol Ummm...ok, first thing: whenever possible, if you and SO are having trouble, take it away from your daughter. When my SO and I argue or disagree, I try to keep it out of my kids hearing: we go in another room, or if we're on the phone, I either go in another room or tell him I can't do this right now and I'll call him back when the kids are in bed or whatever. It's not that I don't want my kids to know we argue, it is a part of all relationships, but I just don't feel they need to be involved. They know when we go in another room like that that we aren't getting along too well. Same with the phone.

As for telling her about it...have you considered handling it like you (assuming here) did when you first started dating him: wait X amount of time before bringing him around her? It might be worth it, since you guys have had so much trouble, to hold off. She misses him, yes, but she's probably on her way to getting beyond that. If she starts to see him again and you two don't work out, she's got to go through it all again. Otherwise, I would just be honest as with the adults, but more age appropriate with the wording. "I've decided to date John again. I know you saw me hurting a lot because of our relationship before, but we're trying something different now to see if we can make it better. I can't promise he'll be a part of our lives permanently, but he's a part of mine right now, and I'd like him to be a part of yours again."

woodstock · 03-20-2011, 05:14 PM

I talked to my daughter about it today. She is OK with it, but I think she just wants to see his dog again LMAO... really though, it's hard not to have her around given when we have to see each other at all, and the fact that alot of the time is taking walks and stuff that my daughter loves, and is usually in the afternoon. We will see this week given the weather if we get together. Today was a no go but that's cool, the kid and I went to the mall OMG together LOL