New and just need to talk......
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Old 03-20-2011, 04:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New and just need to talk......

Ok. So here's the situation. I am 39 (will be 40 in April). I have 4 children, and live with the father of my youngest (2 year old daughter). We have been together for 3 and a half years, and, at times, things have been great. He lost his job in May of last year, so he has been unemployed for almost a year. Yet, in September, we took in two children due to a CPS situation involving close family friends of his. We have had these two children (ages 6 and 8) since then, with absolutely no help from the family (grandparents are his best friends and live 2 minutes down the street, but never even come to visit the children, and certainly not to help). Anyways, November 1st, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am the only one working, and have continued to do so throughout the 16 weeks of chemotherapy that I had to endure. I am having a complete axillary dissection of my lymph nodes, a full mastectomy of my left breast, as well as insertion of a tissue expander for reconstruction. Needless to say, with 6 children in the house, financial issues, and impending surgery combined with my body trying to heal from chemo, I am incredibly stressed out! He doesn't seem to understand my stress, and seems to add additional stress with his lack of emotional support. He especially gets aggravated and hard to be around when I don't feel like having sex. Hard to believe that I wouldn't have the desire or energy for that right now..... On top of all of this, I have an extreme temper, especially right now, and he seems to push all the wrong buttons. I have a very short fuse, and I blow things way out of proportion, which only ends up making him rude and insulting. Not to say that I can't be rude and mean too, but some of the things he says are so crass and they really hurt. Try being called a "hairless B****" (yes, I lost all my hair during chemo, no eyelashes, and my eyebrows are very thin). Or the comment last night, "You don't have s*** left to be a woman".....all of this in response to my anger, but hurtful nonetheless! He doesn't take any responsibility for the things he says, only that he said it "because I made him mad". I have told him time and time again, that it doesn't matter if I make him mad, he is still responsible for the things that he says, and what he said really hurt my feelings! I am so tense right now with the surgery coming up in 3 weeks. I can't seem to make him understand that a member of my body that I have had for almost 40 years is fixing to be cut off. I breast fed all four of my children with it (in fact I was still breast feeding my 2 year old when I was diagnosed and had no choice but to stop immediately because of chemo). In his defense, although he is not working, he does stay home, take care of our daughter, clean house, and he cooks dinner (better than I do even). I know that I am lucky in that respect, but just wish that he could only understand how I feel. There are times, like now, that I really don't want to even be with him. I am so hurt and angry, and feel like I have no emotional support (or financial for that matter). Not really sure what I am feeling right now.
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Old 03-20-2011, 06:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New and just need to talk......

I would really suggest MC if you guys can swing it. My MC story is in my profile.

Being jobless very much hurts a relationship. In fact, A TON of things in your situation are going to put pressure on your marriage. It would take a heroic effort from you both to withstand all of these pressures.

Other than that, you can talk to him as openly and honestly as you can. The way you wrote this was really good. Can you communicate to him this way or are you to hurt or BOTH to hurt to do that?

My wife's job is borderline tramatic right now, and I still have a VERY hard time being rejected.

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Old 03-20-2011, 07:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New and just need to talk......

Quote:
Originally Posted by HethinksIamPsycho View Post
I am the only one working, and have continued to do so throughout the 16 weeks of chemotherapy that I had to endure. I am having a complete axillary dissection of my lymph nodes, a full mastectomy of my left breast, as well as insertion of a tissue expander for reconstruction. Needless to say, with 6 children in the house, financial issues, and impending surgery combined with my body trying to heal from chemo, I am incredibly stressed out!
I admire your tenacity and raw guts to keep working with what you are going through. BTW, I am a cancer survivor.


Quote:
Originally Posted by HethinksIamPsycho View Post
He doesn't seem to understand my stress, and seems to add additional stress with his lack of emotional support. He especially gets aggravated and hard to be around when I don't feel like having sex.

On top of all of this, I have an extreme temper, especially right now, and he seems to push all the wrong buttons. I have a very short fuse, and I blow things way out of proportion, which only ends up making him rude and insulting.

Try being called a "hairless B****" (yes, I lost all my hair during chemo, no eyelashes, and my eyebrows are very thin). Or the comment last night, "You don't have s*** left to be a woman".....all of this in response to my anger, but hurtful nonetheless! He doesn't take any responsibility for the things he says, only that he said it "because I made him mad".
No, he doesn't understand your stress, and you aren't venting it appropriately. You are angry at the cancer. The "Why me?" and "Why now?" and "How could this happen to ME?" are major thoughts going through your mind.

First, get into a local support group with other breast cancer survivors. Call the American Cancer Society, and they can point you in the right direction.

Your man needs to get into therapy/support too. Okay, you are ticked off and stressed out due to having to undergo some big-time chemo. I have pals who are cancer survivors who work at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. They all have various types of cancer and each one of them has a fantastic sense of humor.

How do you develop a sense of humor when you're facing losing a breast, radical chemo, and lots of physical discomfort? SUPPORT GROUP. Period. Reach out to others. We "cancer people" gain a weird sense of humor even when we're going through lots of crummy sh!t.

Regarding your man's comments: completely and totally unacceptable. In this case, I don't believe in quid pro quo (in other words, no "You said this, so I'll say that.") You are wounding each other, and nothing constructive is coming from these name-calling sessions.

Once you get the support you need, you can decide whether to keep this guy or ditch him. Granted, my husband was not supportive, for the most part, when I first got my diagnosis, but he's not the supportive type. However, and this is a MAJOR HOWEVER ... he never got into the name-calling or getting back at me when I first had to absorb the diagnosis. On the other hand, I just didn't speak for about three months due to the shock of absorbing it all.

You are a strong woman. He could clean your house until it sparkles and cook like a gourmet chef ... it doesn't make up for the names he has called you.

Time for both of you to take a time-out, stand back, get help for dealing with raw emotions, and get a firm grounding in being a team working together. I hope he can do that ... you both need emotional healing in addition to your physical healing.
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