inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything
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Old 03-21-2011, 07:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

ok, I've stated before my wife works with all men at a construction office, she started in Sept. I am comfortable to a point with this, EXCEPT with one guy always telling her crude jokes. Now he is the husband of her best friend, but I don't think it is appropriate and told her so, and her response was, Oh its just "Bob being Bob and its ALWAYS just with me in the room".

Ok fine. She told me a couple of months ago one of his jokes and how everybody laughed, but that it was funny because the 2 other guys (who are partners with Bob), kind of looked at my wife uncomfortably as they didn't know how she would take it.
She laughed it off.

I told her it bothered me and she got upset and told me i needed medication as it was just the one time. Now she tells me he does it all the time, but again, now its just the 2 of them in the room.

And to add to that, Bob also called my wife on Valentines Day, after working hours, just to tell her that he was in the lingerie dept at some store "..looking for something sexy to wear for his wife b4 they had crazy sex that night"
She told me and I asked why is he calling you talking about sex with his wife? and she again got po'ed and said I needed to chill and get on some meds.

Again, this would probably bother me BUT she also is on the phone a lot with other women who are also friends with Bob and his wife and she just goes on and on about how cute and funny Bob is and smart etc etc.
We talked about that also, and she again say I need meds.

is it me do I need medication or is she being disrespectful to me?

One side note: she was great friends with another woman, Italian as am I, about 3 years ago, this woman and I got along great, she would hug me every time I would come home from work and she was over and we actually had a coupe of things in common so I would join in their conversation. One day, my wife just told us "enough of that sh.." as far as the hugging went, told her and me both that she thought I enjoyed it too much.

She stopped coming by after that and when I would see her and her husband out usually at our kids ball games or grocery store, she would always ask me first if my wife was around then hug me hello and good bye.

Now her husband still says hello, but she keeps her distance so I am thinking my wife may have said something to her again.

Yet it is fine for her to hug all over this guy "Bob" who is so funny and cute etc. is this normal or again is it me?
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Old 03-21-2011, 08:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

Ok so you have double standards?

What you did was wrong and opened the door to what your wife did , which was also wrong.

You as a man should be setting the boundaries. You should have taken charge and said to your wifes friend, (even in a friendly joking manner), "Sorry I'm taken, the only woman I want to hug is my wife" particularly because you knew it made her uncomfortable. But my guess is it boosted your ego so you did nothing.

Now you have her in the same position as you were and it sucks doesn't it?

Take charge of the situation, tell her no you don't need meds what she is doing is making you uncomfortable, is wrong and won't be tolerated in your marriage. Apologize for your past wrongs (however small) and tell her you both need to respect each other and put effort into your emotional and physical relationship.
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Old 03-21-2011, 08:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

thx for the response but just to clarify, SHE is the one with double standards. my wife also always hugged her husband. she also since we have been together near 20 years always hugs my friends, her girlfriends etc. Me? Not so much as I am more introverted then my wife, this particular woman though I was comfortable around though, possibly becaue we had the same upbringing.

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Originally Posted by Syrum View Post
Ok so you have double standards?

What you did was wrong and opened the door to what your wife did , which was also wrong.

You as a man should be setting the boundaries. You should have taken charge and said to your wifes friend, (even in a friendly joking manner), "Sorry I'm taken, the only woman I want to hug is my wife" particularly because you knew it made her uncomfortable. But my guess is it boosted your ego so you did nothing.

Now you have her in the same position as you were and it sucks doesn't it?

Take charge of the situation, tell her no you don't need meds what she is doing is making you uncomfortable, is wrong and won't be tolerated in your marriage. Apologize for your past wrongs (however small) and tell her you both need to respect each other and put effort into your emotional and physical relationship.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

While the guy may be stepping over the line, it's up to your wife to decide what to do.

Personally, with jobs the way they are today, I don't want to make any waves in my office. You trying to get your wife to react to the jokes is just putting her in the middle.

but the phone call is another story. I think you have a right to address that, maybe even directly with the guy.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

You stated your opinion to you wife. Your wife stated her opinion back to you that she will not stop. The next step is you either offer her a choice "If you don't stop, I will do X".... or you decide that you are unwilling to issue any ultimatum in which case you never discuss it again.

The main point is you are trying to convince her of your position, and then taking some nonsense that she fed back to you and asking TAM who is right and who is wrong. Don't do that. You know what you want and what you think is right. Offer your wife choices ... Do X or I will do Y... and let her make the decision. If you are not willing to offer the choice, then don't keep bringing it up as it makes you look weak.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

There are many kinds of hugs...
If my partner were not a hugger and there was one attractive woman that he got along really well with and only hugged her, I would be concerned too. If the person is a hugger and hugs everyone then that would hardly raise concern for me.

It seems like you are seeing everything one-sided here.
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

Your wife likes the attention from Bob. If not she would have shut that behavior down before it went to far. Now she is trying to convince you that you have the problem, and you're believing it?

It's not you
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Old 03-21-2011, 06:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

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Originally Posted by 4sure View Post
Your wife likes the attention from Bob. If not she would have shut that behavior down before it went to far. Now she is trying to convince you that you have the problem, and you're believing it?

It's not you
Nailed it. I used to work with all guys and I shut that type of behavior around me real fast. It made me feel uncomfortable and crossed the line. If I liked the attention, I wouldn't have said anything.

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Old 03-22-2011, 07:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: inapporpriate (IMO) jokes at work..what do i do if anything

one last thing, before she made full time, a few nights a week, my wife and I would go for either a walk or bike ride as soon as she got home from work. I would make dinner for the kids so they dont starve and we would go exercise...

now, like last night, it seems "Bob" shows up right around her quitting time and like last night, "had another story to tell" and she didn't get home until after 6 when she is off at 5 and works 10 minutes from home.

So "our time" as we called it as it was usually just her and I not the kids, was cut out again as its been happening more and more lately. Bob I am pretty confident is harmless as my wife usually calls his wife (as I said they are best friends) and tells her the whole story and I know the guy likes to talk and my wife also isa talker... but I feel like I am getting cut out of her life

edit: btw, yes I did join a gym and go as often as I can with out her. yes I told her I joined mostly to rehab some injuries i have from the past year, but also to get myself back into a more desirable shape. No, I don't always tell her when i go, such as last night, I told her I was just running up to the store.

Last edited by dontwanttoloseher; 03-22-2011 at 07:56 AM.
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