I'm married but I feel single...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-17-2007, 01:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
deidre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 10
Default I'm married but I feel single...

Well we have been married for a year now and it has at it's up's and down's as I'm sure most have...Well more up's then down's but the down's are starting to affect me in such a bad way. I feel like I'm single...my husband doesn't take the trash out, feed the don't, cut the grass, want to fix anything and doesn't want to go anywhere. What's the problem....we dated for 4 years before we got married and we both lived in two different states....We didn't live together before we got married because our family's didn't believe in "shacking" so we lived apart but still visited each other twice every month up until we got married.

So to make a long story short I was raised by all women to basically take care of your man's wants and needs. I mean when I say take care of I mean my husband doesn't have to pack his clothes when we take trips, he doesn't iron his clothes, he doesn't wash his clothes because I do. I lay an outfit out for him everyday so he can get up and shower and go straight to work...I have done this from day one...and more but I won't go into that...My point is I bend over backwards for my husband and he treats me and my feelings like crap...

I can financially rely on him but other than that I'm stuck..Example...I called him at work one day and expressed to him that I wasn't feeling well...I have scolisis so I have frequent back pains and he know's this. I asked him could he pick our son up and cook dinner so I could come home and take some med's and lay down. He said sure honey no problem....he would do it all and run me a bath...I was excited and yet in pain so I left work a little early and got home.... he had picked our son up but was in bed asleep....I woke him up and asked him if he could start dinner and he said no becuase he was extremly tired and he didn't want to....This caused me to get upset and frustrated...So I thought about it and said well maybe he'll get up in a little while so I started dinner still in pain and also had to help our son with homework and taking care of our puppy....2 hours went by and no sign of my husband, dinner was ready and hot and I went to wake him up....He told me again that he was exhausted and he didn't feel like eating and to eat without him...I asked him did he forget I wasn't feeling well and I asked him to cook and help with things....He acted as though he didn't care....He told me I was bothering him and he was tired.....He also asked me to turn the light off when I left...This is something that happens on a regular...I come home he's fast asleep up stairs in our bed and our 8 year old is in his room playing.

I truly need help becuase he never does anything...And these things that I expect him to do he feels as though he should do them... I cook, I clean, I wash everyone's clothing, I lay his clothes out and basically wake up out of my sleep to get him out of the door on time and he treats me this way. It deeply saddens me that I can ask him to cook for me and he can't do it cause he's so tired and exhausted. He braggs all the time that he is bored at work and needs stuff to do...so I ask him why are you so tired when you come home what are you tired from you say you don't do anything....but he always say's I'm complaining and he wishes he was single again and his life sucks...

I don't understand how his life sucks....we have 2 nice cars, we both have great jobs, we aren't broke...but we aren't rich either....So me coming from nothing to were I am I see our life as being nice...He thinks just cause when he was single he has thousand's of $ in the bank and he doesn't have it now we are broke....We purchased a house, we bought a car, and we invested so of course neither of us have what we had when we were single....but the fact to him is that his friends are single and can do what they want and he can't....He's married, you shouldn't have gotten married if you felt that way...
I married him because I love him and I feel that we are meant to be together but he's getting to a point where he's negative about everything and he wants to be like his friends....I don't know what to do...I feel like I'm just single....I know it's long but I have no place to vent and no friend's to vent to...I moved to where he lived so I left all my friends and family.....
deidre is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-25-2007, 09:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
steelcurtain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Houston
Posts: 23
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

- Boy sounds like he married his mother. You cook, clean, iron his clothes, do all the household duties, etc.... I guess he forgot he married into a partnership your not a "slave". Im sure he is a great guy but he needs to realize that he is not the only one working here. Your day starts just like his and it is unfortuate that he thinks he can just come home and his home duties ends. Im sorry that your going through this I would suggest if you havent already tried marriage counseling. I know that if he is stubborn getting him to go will be like trying to walk on hot coals. But you guys need to go for the sake of your marriage. My wife and I are going through a long distance relationship for a couple months due to my job and I had a reality check when she left. My clothes no longer got washed, ironed, etc...I had to fend for myself almost like I was single. Let me tell you being single is not any easier but I will say I learned something, momma does alot of work to keep a house. He needs to appreciate you and all the things you bring to the table. Once he realizes that I think he will be the man you want him to be. By all means your not asking for much just for him to help out a little. And I know if he just steps up a little bit you will not be so sad or dreading to come home. Best of luck and I hope your husband learns to appreciate how good he has it at home.
steelcurtain is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-28-2007, 11:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 88
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

Im terribly sorry for your pain, it is really horrible when the person that you should be the closest with is suddenly the person the causes you the most pain. To say the least what he is doing is inconsiderate towards you. Does he just lay around all the time? Does he do anything? Has he ever been tested for Depression? Sounds to me like if he is sleeping all the time, then something is wrong. I hate to bring it up, but does he talk about other women? I mean his lack of interest in you and your marriage makes me think that maybe he might have found something a little more exciting outside of the marriage. I dont want to put any doubts in your head, just something maybe you should talk over with. Ask him if he's happy, and tell him that you really appreciate what he does, but that you really wish he would be more sensitive to your needs. I hope everything works out for you. You know they say the first year of marriage is really tough, it does take some time to get adjusted. Good Luck and god bless!!
babyblues7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-03-2007, 04:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

I feel very sorry for you. I just don't want to feel sorry. I want to help you in anyway if i can. First of all you have to start thinking a little more. If you do all these to your husband and he doesnot appreciate you inturn , then it is time for you to grow up. Start writing down what you do everyday in your life for him & what he does for you in return. Set priorities for your life and son. Rule out somethings from the list that you do beyond ur limits and instead you could spend time for yourself or help ur kid with his work. Start working on it. May be he will realize someday if not you have to accept the fact and start working from your head and not mind as mind always works off of love and that fades.
You are precious to yourself so save you and spend time for yourself instead.Good luck.

Last edited by sorryuser; 09-03-2007 at 04:35 PM. Reason: Spelling errors
sorryuser is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-03-2007, 09:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 3
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

I agree with sorryuser...you need to start doing stuff for yourself and your son. Try to find out what makes you happy and do it.
I have similar situation but a bit more serious, because it involved life and death. It seems that our husband takes us for granted. Some men are just dont deserve a nice wife!!!!!
cakeyma is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-04-2007, 01:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Thewife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Garden City
Posts: 388
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

I m sorry for what you are going thru, I'll tell, I can so well relate to your problem becoz I was in your shoes once.

Firstly, If u had done so much for your husband from the time you got married, how do u think he will be able to move his butt to get things done now? Many of us make this mistake of being supernice in the beginning and suffer when reality bites. I did the same thing, pampered my husband a lot, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, and even massaging him when he is very tired. But that was when i was a homemaker for one year after marriage (Our marriage was also something like yours with a exception that we never get to know each other before that). Once I started to work life got tuffer and I felt so unfair and tired. I had to work 9 hours and yet come home and cook etc etc. First i requested him to lend me a hand in doing the dishes and cleaning the house while i cook-he did that for me. Then I stopped doing the laundry because i was soo tired- it went on to the point he had no clothes to wear to work-so he did that every other day. Things started to change soon and i started to nag him if his part of things are not done. I would even request him to cook............slowly it started to piss him i guess. At first he did things out of love now it became a must. He would tell me he is tired almost everyday. I stopped massaging him. I also started complaining that i m tired and sick. There were times when we call "sick" we really attend to each other but later became a daily thing and we were more worried about ourselves than each other. We quarrelled everyday and he slowly started come late everynight. We driffted apart a lot. Then one day we had a heart to heart talk and settled the matter.

Now we have no such problem (though occasionally). what I have learnt through the past 8 years of married life is husband and wife partnership should be based on understanding and mutual respect for each other. For me, I have realized how much i have nagged my husband, I should care for him the way i want him to care for me, When he says he's sick i respect that and give his time to rest, when he doesnt do things I'll do if I can(without complaining) if i cant i'll just leave it and close one eye, If i want him to do something I will request him and give him the option of whether he wants to do it or not and when he doesnt I dont pull a face. These changes in me had sparkled a lot of changes in my husband. He now doesnt wait for me to nag at him, he does a lot of things around the house (even bathing, changing and taking care of the babies), he even gives me a massage when i m very tired. Whenever I tell him i m not upto cooking he will buy food to eat and we save the trouble of cooking and cleaning We have also learnt to appreciate our effort to help each other by saying thanks and giving small gifts etc. All these didnt come easily........it took numerous arguments, quarelling, unhappiness nights and days. A lot of crying..............We also had other in law issues to handle at the same time. What helped us is COMMUNICATION.

I am sharing my story so that it may help u get some insight on your problem. Your problem may be different from mine and u may think ur hubby is not like that, but a clear communication without blaming each other and using "I message" may help i think. I understand the mental and physical tiredness you two are going through is really pulling you down and making you want to be single again but you can change all these, if the two of u will give some thought to the most beautiful moments during dating or after marriage, think about what u like about him, think about why you wanted to marry him, think about the beautiful life u have with him and most importantly you kid. Write a letter or something to him to say your feelings (phrase it in such a way he doesnt feel you are blaming him and make him want to help u and work hand in hand in brining love and liveliness in your home) I know its easy said than done...............but you can try.......there's no harm in trying.

Even if my experience is not going to help you........remember u r not alone there are many women and men out there going thru similar problems, all we need is love, patience, understanding and good communication to make it work. all the best.
Thewife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-04-2007, 01:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Thewife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Garden City
Posts: 388
Thumbs up Re: I'm married but I feel single...

One more thing to add on,
If u think ur husband is not going to change or you simply dont have the energy to solve this then go for counseling...................but remember if we have the will we will succeed, even if we dont we wil atleast feel we gave it our best
Thewife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-06-2009, 10:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

Your story just broke my heart, and my initial reaction was "Leave his tail!" However, I am a strong believer in trying to make marriage work. I am in my second marriage...my first husband cheated, but we went to counseling 3 times before I had had enough. What would your husband do if you didn't lay out his clothes and wait on him hand and foot? Let him be late for work. If he loses his job based on his own irresponsibility, then he really won't have any money then and it would be his own fault. Don't let him to this to you! Talk to him and ask to go to counseling. He is not honoring and loving you as a husband should love his wife. If he does not change, I would not live like that. It is not good for your son...he will grow up thinking that is normal behavior for a man and treat his wife the same way...a vicious cycle will continue. You have future generations to think of too, and you are too important and special to let any man treat you this way! Prayers with you!!
philsbabymama is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2009, 06:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,295
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

Sounds like you married to become a slave and personal servant. Trust me its not the way to go.
Start to use services like the dry cleaners and hire someone to iron... don't create a life of slavery for yourself.
preso is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2009, 07:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,730
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

hmmmm this thread is like from two years ago.....wonder what happened....
GAsoccerman is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2009, 08:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,295
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

we need new material, for sure.

preso is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-07-2009, 08:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Loving Husband's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 1,153
Default Re: I'm married but I feel single...

Can I marry her??? I feel like this women.. I cook/clean/pool/lawn/money/babysitter/handyman... My wife sits on FB..
Loving Husband is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
She wants to be married but wants to be single? dmz General Relationship Discussion 32 10-17-2012 07:33 AM
single mom wants to get married.. what should i do? adviceforme2011 General Relationship Discussion 32 09-27-2011 12:20 PM
I feel like a married single parent mujer_rota The Family & Parenting Forums 2 02-12-2010 04:15 PM
Married man and single Female ladycar The Ladies' Lounge 39 08-14-2009 10:23 AM
I feel like a single parent with a roommate Freckles The Ladies' Lounge 8 05-22-2009 05:37 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:57 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.