03-22-2011, 02:36 PM
Join Date: Mar 2010
| | Re: Married but living apart~Not sure where to post this..
KGregory, thanks so much for the update for those of us following your travails since last December.
I have mentioned our arrangement to a couple different people, counselor, teacher, behavior analyst, they have all told me that they are seeing alot of this type of relationship. They explained the difficulty with combining families etc.
As you described your problems last December, they have little to do with "combining familiies" and much to do with your H's strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). As I explained last December, I spent a small fortune taking my exW to weekly visits with six different psychologists over a 15 year period -- all to no avail. One problem is that the professionals likely will not tell you the true diagnosis if he has BPD -- because insurance typically will not cover that diagnosis and because BPDers usually quit therapy on hearing such a dreaded diagnosis. Another problem is that, in the unlikely event he stays with therapy, it likely will be at least three years (and, more likely, five years) before his behavior changes substantially.
And how will you know that he is improving? Because BPDers typically are charming and lovable whenever they are splitting you white, it is extremely difficult to know when they are actually making any real progress. In my case, I deluded myself into believing that my exW was making some progress over the 15 years -- but she grew increasingly resentful each year that I was not making her happy and she turned on me, betraying me. Caregivers like you and me typically hold onto the marriage forever. It ends after about 15 years because the BPDer walks away.
I mention this not to make you unhappy. Rather, I just hope you will not go down the long path I took -- ending up abandoned late in life when it is difficult to reestablish a LTR with a healthy person. At this point, you are still a young person who can find a healthy man to marry -- a man who does not feel engulfed when you are intimate -- and who does not fear abandonment so much that he will eventually abandon you preemptively -- to stop the terrible fear of it happening to him. My experience is that, as long as a person is incapable of trusting you, you can never trust him because he can turn on you at any time at the slightest provocation. So I urge you to be sure to take care of yourself and your daughter. And please maintain your connection to the BPDfamily folks, who likely will give you excellent advice.