Husband will not do ANYTHING......
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree19Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-21-2011, 07:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Husband will not do ANYTHING......

where to start. I returned to work(full time last year). My husband will not help with anything around the house, inside or out. Will not cook dinner, help clean it up, do a load of laundry, or even bath the kids....tuck them in etc.

He has gotten really bad, he has this attitude that he works and the weekend is "his days off" and he will DO NOTHING on the weekend.

this past weekend he slept until 12pm on Saturday. Got up and hit the couch. Where he stayed until 6pm that night. Then we went out to dinner/ came home and he returned to couch.

Sunday he slept until 2pm...got up and hit the couch once more. stayed there all day. Ate dinner and returned to couch. I asked him during the day if he was going to change his tire on his car and he said "no, it was his day off leave him alone don't bug him!". Well I asked how it would get inspected by the end of the month if he didn't change the tire? He said he would not change it, it's his day off and he'd just have it towed to the garage.

When I said I thought it was a waste of money...he told me "time is money and money is time" and he is not doing it on his day off, so he will pay to have it towed. When I said again about it being a waste of money I was told it is his money and he'll do what he wants.....

below is background on his car/tire

His tire went flat on his car and it's due for inspection by the end of the month. I asked him to change the tire so that I could get it inspected while he is at work and it will be ready to go at the end of the month.(he has to turn in his lease then, and will have to drive this car for work).

I just want to get it taken care of before he is screwed. What will eventually happen is at the end of the month he will panic and have the car towed, the garage will overcharge us for towing and inspection because it's the end of the month and we need the car asap. He will take my car(even though I work and I will be stuck trying to get a ride to and from work, or asking my family to shuffle me around because he will need to get to work.)

So basically what the heck do I do?

How can I get my husband to see that his expectations of "his weekend off" is just crazy. What man out there doesn't lift a finger to do ANYTHING on the weekend.

For the record he doesn't do anything inside or outside of the house either.

We have a lawn man, I take care off all the gardening, mulch, weeding/ painting, garbage, any home maintenance I can possible do. Whatever I can't we have to call someone because he won't do anything on his days off.
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-21-2011, 07:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,312
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

He sounds like a loser. Sorry but that is true.

Even if you were home all day and not working, your husband should be supportive and do what he can to help you. But you are both working, so when is your day off?

And as far as the kids are concerned, I have absolutely no respect for someone who will not care for their children. I could not be with a man like that.
Syrum is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 07:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

he is highly educated, but yes he does sound like a loser....

Do you think he is depressed? I shouldn't say he does nothing with the kids, he will play with our son(daughter is older and kind of past the play age!)....he does do some camping things with our son as well. It's not so much the child care part I'm upset about, it's the whole "weekends off" thing....WTF, who gets weekends off when you are a working and raising a family?
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 07:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 26,424
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

I think that how he takes care of his car is none of your business.

You are translating your anger at his unwillingness to help you into his unwillingness to do his own car repair. Keep them separate, or your marriage will devolve into worse issues.

Here's what I see. You went back to work but, because you're the woman, he expects you to still fit all the 'womenly' duties in as WELL as your new full-time job. Right?

I'm in the same boat. I was. My IC told me to pick something in all the things I had to get done, to ask my husband to do. ONE thing. I asked him. He refused! He said he'd never know when he could be 'available' to handle any chores.

So I fumed and fumed and fumed. Then I realized that he just expects everything to be done. But guess what? Everything doesn't HAVE to be done. Especially things that affect him and not me.

So I quit doing his laundry.

A few weeks went by as I continued to do everything else, and his choice of clean clothes got smaller and smaller, til he had almost nothing to wear. Then, he chewed me out!

I just stood there, calmly, and said 'Oh, I'm sorry. When I asked you to pick ONE chore that you would be responsible for, and you REFUSED, I had to do something. I couldn't continue to work full time and ALSO be responsible for the entire family. So I went and picked one chore FOR you. Your laundry. If you don't do it, no skin off MY nose. I've got OTHER work to do."

Guess what? He started manning up and taking care of things.

And I started washing his clothes again.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 07:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

"I think that how he takes care of his car is none of your business."

but it is my business when it affects me and my ability to get to work and it takes money out of our bank account because he refused to change a flat tire.

My problem is what do you do about a man who feels he is entitled to do NOTHING at all in life on his days off.(which means every weekend). That is what I am dealing with...how do I convey to him that his expectations are completely out of whack?
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 07:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 26,424
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

Did you read the rest of my post?
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 07:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

yes, I tried that, the pool I asked him to put away last fall is still in our back yard...we look like white trash thanks to him. He will not do anything. I stopped washing his clothes, I told him I'd start again when he put them in a mesh bag and brought them down stairs, he never did. Now about once a month or so he will do his own wash...and ***** and complain about how I do nothing for him.
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 08:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,737
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
I think that how he takes care of his car is none of your business.

You are translating your anger at his unwillingness to help you into his unwillingness to do his own car repair. Keep them separate, or your marriage will devolve into worse issues.

Here's what I see. You went back to work but, because you're the woman, he expects you to still fit all the 'womenly' duties in as WELL as your new full-time job. Right?

I'm in the same boat. I was. My IC told me to pick something in all the things I had to get done, to ask my husband to do. ONE thing. I asked him. He refused! He said he'd never know when he could be 'available' to handle any chores.

So I fumed and fumed and fumed. Then I realized that he just expects everything to be done. But guess what? Everything doesn't HAVE to be done. Especially things that affect him and not me.

So I quit doing his laundry.
Yup. I am not "available" to do your laundry. This is not snottiness. This is effective limit setting.


Quote:
A few weeks went by as I continued to do everything else, and his choice of clean clothes got smaller and smaller, til he had almost nothing to wear. Then, he chewed me out!

I just stood there, calmly, and said 'Oh, I'm sorry. When I asked you to pick ONE chore that you would be responsible for, and you REFUSED, I had to do something. I couldn't continue to work full time and ALSO be responsible for the entire family. So I went and picked one chore FOR you. Your laundry. If you don't do it, no skin off MY nose. I've got OTHER work to do."

Guess what? He started manning up and taking care of things.

And I started washing his clothes again.
Yay!
Mom6547 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-21-2011, 09:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

Quote:
Yup. I am not "available" to do your laundry. This is not snottiness. This is effective limit setting.
but what do you do when this doesn't work? My husband refuses to do anything on his days off! (and of course won't do anything after a "long work day".
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-22-2011, 12:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 127
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

By any objective basis, your husband is an A-hole. Doing nothing to help at home, when the wife works and there is a family and home to operate? WTF? If I ever tried that, my stuff would be on the front porch and the locks would be changed when I got home from work, and deservedly so.

It sounds like he went from mommy doing everything for him to you doing it and now you are at work again and can't do it all. I'm sure he is tired from working hard all week, but there are in fact two of you who are working. I work my a$$ off at a high pressure job--done so for 30 years--and I still help out around the house how I can because it is the right thing to do and I care about reducing my wife's load. If I have to help out after working hard all week, why does he get off the hook?

This is not about the tire. This is about your inability to have a painful, firm discussion with your husband about respect and fair play in a loving marriage. These discussions are tough, but you need to put your big girl pants on, promise yourself you will not get emotional or accusatory, be sure to let him know that he does deserve time off and he can have time off, but he needs to help more around the house--or you will not feel respected and you won't respect him, and in that circumstance there is no basis for being married. Don't accuse, don't cry, don't call him lazy, don't say you aren't his maid. Just tell him what you need from him. Tell him that you love him to death, but that a marriage is a partnership and you need him to join the partnership.

If that doesn't work, you should consider marriage counseling. I wish you the best.
Voiceofreason is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-22-2011, 11:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 26,424
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

The point is, you have control over what you do. If he won't cut the lawn, hire a guy and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't fix the window, hire a carpenter and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't help with chores, stop doing chores that benefit him, like his clothes.

So he nags at you. So what? YOU have the legitimate reason here, not him.

You will not win a power struggle over 'making' him get off the couch on the weekends. You just won't.

As Voiceofreasonsays, what's really missing here is you having that painful talk where you say "I can't handle this any more and I'm not GOING to. I EXPECT you to be a fair member of this family, and if you won't, I'll have to look at other options."

Such options may mean spending HIS money for awhile, but I'm pretty sure once he sees that happening, he'll get a clue.

But none of this will happen while you act like his mother.

Once you act like his wife who deserves his help and stop catering to him even while he thumbs his nose at you, he'll pay attention.

If he sits on the couch all day, don't make him dinner. Take the kids out for a picnic and leave him sitting there. If he won't get up, throw the pile of towels on top of him and say 'Fold those, will ya?' (that's what I do) If he's still there, bring the junk drawer over to him and place it on his lap and ask him to organize it. Or his tool box. Or fishing tackle. Or SOMETHING.

Show him you aren't going to accept being his mommy any more.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-22-2011, 09:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

Quote:
The point is, you have control over what you do. If he won't cut the lawn, hire a guy and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't fix the window, hire a carpenter and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't help with chores, stop doing chores that benefit him, like his clothes.
We have a lawn man, we do hire people to do things. That is the problem he doesn't have a problem spending the money. And for years I didn't either...but over time it has overtaken everything. While it started as I'm too busy to do the lawn, so I'll hire someone so we can do family things...this has progressed to I'll hire anyone and everyone so I don't have to do a damn thing.

I don't mind the lawn man, I don't mind hiring someone to fix something he can't do...but now he won't even get off his butt to change a tire.

Quote:
The point is, you have control over what you do. If he won't cut the lawn, hire a guy and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't fix the window, hire a carpenter and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't help with chores, stop doing chores that benefit him, like his clothes.
I don't do this laundry...he does hire people to do the lawn.


A
Quote:
s Voiceofreasonsays, what's really missing here is you having that painful talk where you say "I can't handle this any more and I'm not GOING to. I EXPECT you to be a fair member of this family, and if you won't, I'll have to look at other options."
That's just it, what are my "other options?" I don't make enough to survive on my own yet! Once I have a contracted position my pay will triple. Then I do have options...but not until then.

Quote:
Such options may mean spending HIS money for awhile, but I'm pretty sure once he sees that happening, he'll get a clue.
No, just the opposite that is now his answer for everything. Hence having the car towed so as not to have to change a tire.



Quote:
Once you act like his wife who deserves his help and stop catering to him even while he thumbs his nose at you, he'll pay attention.
but he doesn't. And actually when I really press him he gets all mad an insists that he does help. And he throws out there that No one does what he does? What is that exactly work? Yes I get he has a long commute, I get that he is tired. That's why I've given up on any help at night. ....but now he is so angry and mean about "his time" his day off...etc....i don't know where it is coming from.


Quote:
If he sits on the couch all day, don't make him dinner. Take the kids out for a picnic and leave him sitting there. If he won't get up, throw the pile of towels on top of him and say 'Fold those, will ya?' (that's what I do) If he's still there, bring the junk drawer over to him and place it on his lap and ask him to organize it. Or his tool box. Or fishing tackle. Or SOMETHING.
He would just leave the clothes/junk draw sitting there. When I ask him to do something he will "yes honey me"...which really means f you! Or his classic "in a minute" which also means f you!



I guess what I don't really understand is his recent insistence on doing NOTHING on the weekends because it is HIS time off.

I'm just so sick of it. Yet don't see any way out.....just yet anyway.
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-22-2011, 09:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 26,424
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

What does he say when you ask him why?
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-22-2011, 10:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 13
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

when I ask him what?

Why he wouldn't change the tire this weekend? He said that it was his weekend off, he wasn't doing it and to stop bugging him.

He got very angry and said he can't stand when I bug him and that when I bug him it makes him not want to even come home on the weekends. And then turned it around on me and said is that why I do it? do I not want him home on the weekends?
twomoonlight is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-22-2011, 10:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 127
Default Re: Husband will not do ANYTHING......

TML-- I am sure I don't need to tell you that there is a substantial power imbalance in your relationship. It probably comes from several sources, including his higher income, his ability to bamboozle and initimidate you with B.S. and anger when you try to discuss these issues with him, your inability to firmly draw a boundry with any consequences, your feeling that you don't have the financial option right now to leave, and the inertia of how things have been.

As I said before, it is apparent that he does not respect you, because he won't fairly allocate household responsibilities, and you don't respect him because he sits and sleeps all weekend and won't do his share. That is not the basis for a marriage.

Have you tried joint counseling? He seems detached and hostile to you and I really wonder if there is more going on here than he just wants to sleep and sit all weekend. What is weird about problems like this is sometimes in the painful process of solving one problem we identify and also fix other problems in the marriage--the result of which is a much stronger marriage than you could have envisioned.

As for this:
"He got very angry and said he can't stand when I bug him and that when I bug him it makes him not want to even come home on the weekends. And then turned it around on me and said is that why I do it? do I not want him home on the weekends? "

A reasonable response would be:
"Just so we are clear. When you don't help with what needs to be done around the house, I don't want to even be home on the weekend--do you not want me home on the weekends?"

Seriously, he is really really weak in his excuses. He is a bully. Bullys only succeed when you let them.

Having said all of that. You seem fixated on the tire thing. I know I don't react well to being micromanaged--few people do. Let the tire thing go. Your issue is not the tire (other than an example of him not fairly contributing his time to the family's welfare)--it is, as your subject line says: He won't do ANYTHING.
Voiceofreason is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
help..my husband is quiet confused of his role as a father and a husband selena24 General Relationship Discussion 2 04-01-2012 01:02 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:47 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.