The Way She Dresses
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Way She Dresses

Okay, first time user here so bare with me. So here's my dilemma. I'm having a difficult time telling my wife I have an issue with the way she dresses when she goes out (i.e. bar, family events, etc.). I wouldn't necessarily place her on the far end of the spectrum (i.e. dressing very provocative) but it's enough to bother me. I don't think it's necessary to get into too much detail about what she wears as it's such a subjective topic. To give a broad example she's going out to a party this weekend, without me, and purchased a new dress to wear. In my opinion I feel this is the type of dress that's designed to draw male attention,the type of dress that a woman wears when trying to meet someone. I feel a married woman (and man) should respect the boundaries of marriage and part of that is limiting the amount of sexual desire we invoke (or even provoke) with the opposite sex and of course the way we dress plays a role in that.

So ultimately my inner conflict is this: am I wrong for telling her she needs to tone it down a bit? The problem with being honest, in this particular scenario, is that I might then get the "you're too controlling" card thrown at me. If I conceal it, which is what I've been doing, I then create distance and conflict between us. It's like I can't win. As much as I'd love to be the guy that is fine with my wife wearing whatever she WANTS that's not who I am. Am I wrong for telling her I'm uncomfortable with what she's wearing right before she goes out? That's of course the first question I get after she puts on a dress. Part of me says being honest is the best route to take no matter what the outcome is. The other part of me says to keep my mouth shut, put on a fake smile, tell her she looks great and let her wear what she wants to wear if that equates to her being happy.

Last edited by darcy411; 03-21-2011 at 09:16 PM.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

My husband is like you, very conservative and protective of me.
The reality is, spouses do have some control over each other, in less overt ways than your wife may complain about.
I used to dress very provacatively when my husband and I were dating. He did not like me running about with my cleavage bouncing and skirts under my bum. He still does not like it.
You know what? It's not worth fighting over and getting into a power struggle. Mr.G is just not comfortable with men oggling his wife or seeing what is only meant for him to see. It is a simple compromise.
I tell him what colors to wear and I choose his cologne, on the rare occasions he wears some just for me. He also grows beards periodically, just because his wife thinks it's sexy. We both bend to make each other happy. That's what marriage is all about.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

My husband and I have this exact problem but he has no problem vocalizing it to me and it does cause problems and he does get the...you're too controlling lecture from me.

I love fashion, or what I think of as fashion as the truth be told...I'm really not very fashionable if you were to compare it to the norm. It's an expression of who I am and I really, really enjoy it. I also enjoy getting things on the cheap and mix matching to create what I like.

I understand where you're coming from here but I also think that fashion is a part of self expression for women (whatever it is that their fashion might be) and it also connects directly to our sense of value. In other words, if we think we look good then we feel good.

I don't feel that women should be or could possibly be responsible for the reactions their styles create unless your wife is walking out of the house looking like a hooker.

What I'm suggesting is that you embrace that you have a wife that cares about how she looks and, unless she looks like a hooker or has an affair with every man who offers her a number, you embrace her appearance as a gift to you rather than a burden.
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Old 03-21-2011, 09:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Let her know how you feel in a nice way. If she disagrees, that is the end of the discussion. Put it behind you, tell her you love her and how sexy she looks and she can dress how she chooses; and mean it when you say it.

The point is this: she will know exactly how you feel, and if she chooses not to dress the way you prefer, she will know it will NOT be a problem with you. However, in the back of her mind she know what you like, and when she wants to make you feel good about how she looks she will know how to dress.

Bottom line is its her choice and dont make it an issue in your marriage.
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Man, that is your wife, you care about her feelings and so she has to care about your feelings. Never let something bothering you to be afraid of throwing some cards to you.
Sometimes women will through the card to test how firm/ how powerfull man you are. Women test men concisely and unconsicely all the time. Stay strong and let your woman make you feel good by telling her calmly that you are not confotable with the type of clothes she wears.

Personally a married woman to wear provocatively is not acceptable. My wife is beautiful, attractive, hot and sexy. She wears decent beautiful sexy clothes which does not reveal cleavage nor too mini skirt.

She knows what I want and we make each other happy, we satisfy each other feelings.

Tell her calmly and never change your choice and get hurt everyday for no apparent reason. She might look for attention or even for some dudes as you said she is going out alone provocatively
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Old 03-22-2011, 05:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

My SO has expressed to me that he prefers I don't wear anything really short and try and wear less revealing things when hes not around. I have no problem with that. I want him to feel comfortable with what I do.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
My husband and I have this exact problem but he has no problem vocalizing it to me and it does cause problems and he does get the...you're too controlling lecture from me.

I love fashion, or what I think of as fashion as the truth be told...I'm really not very fashionable if you were to compare it to the norm. It's an expression of who I am and I really, really enjoy it. I also enjoy getting things on the cheap and mix matching to create what I like.
.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Most women who will throw card and act defensive by their husbands telling them calmly to consider their feelings and make them happy by not wearing provocatively are:
1. In a bad relationship and not happy. looking for attention and arent respecting their husbands.
2. Drama queens who wants to make their men jealous
3. Looking for an affair.

Trenton you said

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
My husband and I have this exact problem but he has no problem vocalizing it to me and it does cause problems and he does get the...you're too controlling lecture from me.
.

you then justified by saying
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
I love fashion, or what I think of as fashion as the truth be told...I'm really not very fashionable if you were to compare it to the norm. It's an expression of who I am and I really, really enjoy it. I also enjoy getting things on the cheap and mix matching to create what I like.
.
Trenton, have you forgotten that you are in a bad relationship? I could even read from the "non sexual touch is critical" post.

That is why you do wear provocatively and do not care about your husband.

Let this guy do what he has to do and take an action to make his relationship better!
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

It's not always abot dressing to attract, it is sometimes just about making yourself feel good. if you don't have too many reasons in a week to dress up, you jump on a chance to. You have to know which it is. Sure, she MAY be dressing to impress, but chances are she is just loving the chance to where what makes her feel good when she looks in the mirror.

It's doesn't hurt if it turns men's heads. Hell, who doesn't want to be flattered by that! What matters is if HER head is turning. Had this convo with my SO recently and told him, what I wear is first off for me to feel good, second a good show for him and if it turns a man's head, well, it give him a chance to pump up his chest because HE is the man who has me, and HIS is the bed I will go home to.

Turned out he was less afraid of men looking and more afraid that because I am more apt to dress up lately, that I am no longer the girl who likes to play in the mud HAHA I had to explain that YES I still love dirt, it does not mean I am gonna dress for dirt when i am going out to dinner on a date HAHA (he still dresses for dirt pretty much anywhere we go, but I am cool with that I am still going to go home with him )
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Oh, and boys... if it is being done to make you jealous, there is a reason.... You all get way too comfy too quick, and you forget to make us feel desired You ALL act WAY different when you think there is a threat, and THAT is what a woman kinda likes. Sometimes a man needs to THINK there is a little competition to start acting like they need to. Maybe she is looking for you to do something to show that you desire her, and that you will do more than just expect her to be yours, but to earn it just a little

And no, it's not a bad thing at all. We all get too comfy and need a reminder that things need to be maintained once in a while.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Woodstock

I agree with you half way. If she dressed a LITTLE bit provocatively thats cool and as long as she goes out with the husband.

If she goes out alone and dresses provocatively that is unacceptable!

there are also costumes, sexy lingerie, miniskits that she can wear at home that her husband obnly can see and in turn makes her feel sexy and good!

NOT PUBLICLY
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

I also want to say that I agree with wood stock. husbands shouldn't forget to give their wives attention and let them know they think they are sexy.

Also it sounds like the OP has an issue with what his wife wears when she is with him, but he didn't describe what she was wearing? Maybe he could share a link to something simaler?

I all ways like to look nice and dress well, wear a bit of (natural looking) make up, and wear nice shoes. I won't stop dressing nicely but would all ways keep in mind what my SO wants and likes. I think we both owe it to each other to make each other comfortable.

However the OP may be being really OTT and wanting is wife to wear a sack, he needs to give more info really.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:08 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by woodstock View Post
You ALL act WAY different when you think there is a threat, and THAT is what a woman kinda likes. Sometimes a man needs to THINK there is a little competition to start acting like they need to. Maybe she is looking for you to do something to show that you desire her, and that you will do more than just expect her to be yours, but to earn it just a little

And no, it's not a bad thing at all. We all get too comfy and need a reminder that things need to be maintained once in a while.
This is called woman TEST and a drama if is done intentionaly for some reason. But I guarantee is not a good way to solve a problem. Drama queen have never succeeded to past theit test for ME Luckily I have sexy, attreactive, beautiful, inteligent woman with NO Drama. I selected WISELY
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

Women dress provocatively to make themselves feel good. But it's not the clothing itself that makes them feel good. It's the attention they get from men that makes her feel good. This attention can be subtle, body language, facial expressions, non sexual touches and harmless conversation all the way to overt sexual flirting. It makes her feel good to be noticed because by being noticed she feels special, unique, pretty.

So your first course of business is for you, her man, to give her all the feelings that she is getting by dressing provocatively. The needs she has are so powerful that you will not be able to simply talk her out of dressing this way. She needs to have the feelings she gets from it and you have to give them to her. She wants you to be the one to give it to her.

Regarding a conversation about getting her to stop.... You have to be very careful with this. While she may throw out the word controlling or something similar, what she is feeling is that her man is threatened by other men and therefore her man is weaker and less manly than other men. So, unless you feel that your wife is cheating or about to cheat, I would leave it alone until you feel you have adequately met the needs she is longing for. Once you do this, you then say "Wife, I don't believe married women should wear X, Y, Z types of clothing". You express your opinion, and let her come to make the choice.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Way She Dresses

To HICKS

Hicks, does your wife wears clothes that shows her wide open cleavage with miniskirt just below her butt while going out with her friends?
do you ginuwine and honestly like it and support it?

I know being jealous freak and insecure is NOT cool but not in this case. In this case you are showing that you are man enough to care about your feeling and want to be respected as always should be. You stand out for them as well as being protective and not become a doormat!!!

Last edited by AniversaryFight; 03-22-2011 at 07:20 AM.
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