I don't know what to do
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I don't know what to do

I love my wife deeply, but I just can't seem to make her happy, she can't tolerate me for more than 5 days at a time. We fight so bad and so much and I am so exhausted. I don't want her to drink anymore because I think it is a catalyst for the fighting, I don't believe she has a drinking problem and know that if she really wanted to she could give it up, but it has become a problem for me as I don't drink and I can see how it affects her and how it affects us. She is so angry at me, all of the time, I am lost, I have nothing left, I don't want to loose her, but I feel like I am loosing my mind. Please help.
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by anonjay View Post
I love my wife deeply, but I just can't seem to make her happy, she can't tolerate me for more than 5 days at a time. We fight so bad and so much and I am so exhausted. I don't want her to drink anymore because I think it is a catalyst for the fighting, I don't believe she has a drinking problem and know that if she really wanted to she could give it up, but it has become a problem for me as I don't drink and I can see how it affects her and how it affects us. She is so angry at me, all of the time, I am lost, I have nothing left, I don't want to loose her, but I feel like I am loosing my mind. Please help.
she is angry for a reason, finding that reason is the hard part, I dare say you can talk to each other, so the only real other option is IC for her to be able to tell someone or MC for the both of you.
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Old 03-22-2011, 01:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

she is not interested in seeing anyone, I want to but she refuses, I can't talk to her because she just attacks, verbally, physically. If it was just as simple as she is angry for a reason, then I wouldn't be asking for help, it is so easy for me to love her, but it seems so har for her to love me, to see me, to hear me. She wants me to be remorseful but then when I am when I beg her, its not good enough, I am not good enough and I don't know how not to hurt her, because nothing i do seems not to hurt her, I provide for her I take care of her I love her, I am kind I have never hurt her, I am not perfect, but but I feel so small because somehow I have damaged her and some how I keep breaking her, and she reminds me all the time. and I don't know, I cannot understand what it is.
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Old 03-22-2011, 06:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

This is exactly the situation I have been in for a while. At times I cannot even be in the same room because that pisses her off. I have tried everything. She cheated with a coworker and continued even after she admitted it, but wants to blame me for her feeling neglected.

It's nothing you did but the defenses she built up from her childhood that now she is expressing on you. You might have done some small thing that got the ball rolling and now neither one of you know how to stop it.

It'll be hard but try to get back to living your life. Start doing things that make you happy. Once she sees that you're not playing into your usual roll she may come out of it. Until then doing the same thing you're doing now wont help.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

It is so hard,because I love her so much and I can see that there is something wrong there, it's not just the drinking, I think she has fallen into a depression and yes I can't even breath wrong then she snaps and I am disappointed to say that these days I snap back. I have no more tolerance for it and I cry and I scream and it makes it worse, because she is so blinded by this image of me that she has in her head that nothing makes a difference to her in that moment. I know that she loves me deep down, I just find myself in this situation where I can't leave her, i don't want to I can't bear it, but I also can't not leave her. I must be stupid, because it has been going on for 7 years now and I don't seem to get it. Maybe the thought of loosing her is harder to accept than the though of doing this for the rest of my life. I am so tired...
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Old 03-22-2011, 08:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

You seem to be stuck so I suggest MC, and if she does not want to go, then IC. After 7 years of this situation, and the recent heated arguments, it seems to me things are getting worse.

As one who had a drinking problem, do not overlook the effect the drinking has on the situation. Alcohol changes the way a person feels even after one drink. Once this new lens on life is on NOTHING looks the same anymore. Ending her drinking would definately help to get started on the road to repairing your relationship.

There are big problems and small problems in a relationship. You can fix all the small problems you want, but if you dont fix the big problems, things will not get better. IMO the big problem is her drinking. Suggest AA or therapy as a start, and MC in parallel.
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

I have asked her about the drinking and I have told her how much I hate it, but she sees it as an attack on her, as another way for me to make her feel worthless and small. Another way that I am a bad husband. I don't think she has a problem but it is a big part of the problem, but she doesn't want to accept it or even consider that that is what gives her the "dutch courage" to act the way that she does. I really hate it, even more so because I don't drink at all. MC is out of the question because I will never get her there she would rather leave me and blame me for abusing her I have asked her so many times to come with me, but to no avail. AA is also out of the question, I don't believe my wife has a problem, but it is a problem and I could never dream of even suggesting AA because my wife would cut herself, she has done before. I really am in a black hole and I can't see away out.
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Old 03-22-2011, 08:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

For your own piece of mind, and Im not a therapist but have gone down this road, check out info on borderline personality disorder and check out the book "Stop walking on eggshells..." it may help. Even if she wont admit she has a problem you need help getting back to the normal you.
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Old 03-24-2011, 12:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I don't know what to do

I am in a black hole and I can't see away out, somebody please help me.
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