savannah

Hello, I have been married 15 years, dated 5 and thought my marriage endured it all... I got pregnant before we were married and through the struggles of two 25 yo's, we made it somehow.

Now, I feel we have drifted further and further apart. We no longer connect the way we used to. Every conversation becomes and argument.... and argument a fight!

I lay next to him at night, while he slumps over facing the other direction, no more than a simple goodnight. I've cried myself to sleep many a night wondering why this is? How did this happen? Some days it is so bad, that I begin to resent why I am even with him.

Feel alone, without actually being alone. He's lost interest in things that made me happy... nor does he care. I cannot finish any conversation without him glazing over in disinterest.... He is not cheating on me, I know this.... just seems like we drifted apart and all that is left are two very different people.

Was I far too young then to have seen this? After having children, is this right for me to even question? I am so confused and so alone... need any words of wisdom on this please..... I don' t know what is the right way to approach this any further.
Each day is a struggle to even remotely connect...most days are wasted in front of TV's and computers to pass the time...

Tootles33

TVs and computers are so bad for relationships. The ipad and iphone are killing mine! You poor thing. I don't have advice sorry, but good luck!

Chelle D

I think we all have times in our lives that we feel we made a mistake in a major choice & felt we went down the wrong road.

I think that's normal, to second guess and ask "what if". It doesn't always make me feel proud that I've thought that... but, wth I'm human.

I think some of us have gone down a certain road for so long... we worry that we can't find our way back to our old selves. We feel we will get lost trying to find the other road.... Sometimes we feel we've just gotten lost on the road we chose.

Until I see the light shining my path.. sometimes I'm scared to even move forward (or backward) on the path that I'm on. I want to scream out to have someone bring me a light so I don't feel so alone & cold.

L.M.COYL

I feel for you.

First, do not dismiss the good and satisfying times you have had together: those should not be viewed as mistakes.

Second, there was a useful topic about what to do together without it costing a dime. It may sound simplistic and it won't solve all your problems but sometimes reconnecting can be as simple as taking a walk together - works for my wife and I . . . sometimes.

MrK

I'm going to hard code this somewhere so I can just cut and paste any time it comes up:

Your husband may not know how bad it is, believe it or not. I had no idea I had pushed my wife away to the point where she left the marriage emotionally until I tried to fix 8 years or more of no sex or intimacy. When I finally dragged it out of her that all of the problems we were having were MY FAULT, it DEVASTATED ME!!! People don't change? I know for a fact that's not true. I changed OVERNIGHT!. Unfortunately for me it was too late. My wife had already checked out YEARS prior and wasn't coming back.

Scare him straight! It worked for me. It may work for him. Pack a bag. Leave him a note and tell him why you left. Tell him that as soon as he is willing to work on your problems, you will come back. And it can't be a bluff. You have to be ready to leave him. You can't live that way for the rest of your life. You're young. You can start over.

And I don't cry myself to sleep, but I die a little more every night when she comes to bed long after me (TV addict), lays down next to me, and turns her back with barely a good-night. Driving home the point, EVERY NIGHT, that crap TV is more important to her than my happiness. I almost said OUR happiness, but she seems OK with it.

Good luck. Don't be me (or my wife). Get out of your unhappy marriage while you're still young.

growtogether

Hi Savannah.
What do you exactly want from your relationship with your husband? Do you want to work on it or let it go? Before taking any action you need to know what you want. You need to have a clear mind. What would be the benefits of staying with him? How can I make it work? How can WE make it work? To have the flame back, the butterflies feelings, motivation and commitment need to be there. How committed are you to your relationship? Your marriage may not be ideal right now, but how would an ideal marriage looks like? How can you get to that?
Any choice you choose will be good. Just believe yourself and take action. Sitting still won't get you anywhere.
You will find a solution; I know you will.

LemonLime

I feel like that. We have been together 6 years and it is very hard to get thru. I hope some advice in here can help us.

lost soul

although the flames and butterflies may never comeback would the hope of a common ground be enough ?

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

With the way your husband treats you, I'm saying its best to pack up and leave. You do not deserve to be disrespected in that way for so many years. It's got to be exhausting. Start doing things that you enjoy. Find a hobby that makes you feel good. You deserve respect and to be happy.

I remember every single night with my ex ended up with a blow out argument. My ex makes it a point to make everyone around him miserable. He has no respect for any woman. I'm not sure if this is part of his BPD or if there's more mental illness on his part.

I had family to fall back on, I moved back into my parents house and started back in college. Moving out was the best thing I did for my daughter and I. We no longer had to deal with such an angry person. I got my life back. He was still trying to control my life, but it never worked. My ex was cheating though, his gf moved in 3 days after I left. I found out shortly after that, he had several gf's and was a major serial cheater.

Do you have family or a friend that can help you get back on your feet? I do wish you the best of luck with whatever happens. It's unlikely your husband will change, plus there's a lot of damage he's done to the family. My ex got worse over the years. It's 17 years since I left and I'm amazed how much more angry he is. It's ridiculous. His normal tone is screaming at the top of his lungs.

endlessgrief

Savannah, I have read all of your posts and have taken a personal interest in your situation since we are in the same boat on some levels.

You sound so sad, so miserable, all of your posts are heartbreaking. I think deep in your heart, you know what you want to do. You know he will never change. Please start making yourself happy because no one can do that for you.

Answer your own question. Did you make a mistake by marrying this man? From your posts, I would say the answer is YES, but you need to come to that conclusion. I hope getting all of your feelings out using this forum has helped you come to grips with where you are in life and what you really want. What you DESERVE. Wanting to be happy is not a huge request. You are not being selfish.

You know what you need to do Savannah, and you will do what is right when you are ready and not a moment before. My prayers are with you and keep venting in this forum. We are here for you.

Mstonie

savannah

I guess like everyone else here... I just really want a somewhat happy existence of a realtionship-- I don't expect a picture perfect one, but one where my day's worry does not consist of my relationship...

I think I am commmitted to this because so many people urge me to leave if I am unhappy... and yet I can't. HE isn't that bad a person on his good days... but once he is in his unhappy mode... there is just no stopping the streak of depression he lets hover over the household. It saddens me that so much of our time, years have been lost in this bubble of depression.

My kids do care and love him. And I suppose I do too..we have some "happy days" but generally is dictated by HIS mood for the day. I hate seeing how our relationship is slowly drifting away ... to a point now that we barely speak, on have any form of simple intimacy (hug, sitting next to each other..) - much less anything more.

it's not a very good feeling seeing your life pass .... and it's even lonelier than when you were single!

savannah

Thank you ENDLESS.. and thank you all for your kind support. It is really very nice to be on this forum and get people who understands. None of my friends have this kind of realtionship, so they really don't give me the understanding you all have here...

I suppose after so many years of "feeling' alone... I just got it in my mind to go about my day ALONE... I stopped looking for HIM to have any interest in me whatsoever... I no longer look for the support, nor do I look for any form of itimacy.

I do care for him A LOT... Butot say I still love him? I don't quite know. I am staying in the realtionship not because I love him NOW, but maybe just the love I still have from BEFORE... if that makes sense?

Often I think of just leaving and starting my life new... with or without someone new... I just feel that simple happiness is so hard ot find while I am here with him. And yet--- I can't get myself to leave. Thinking of the children... not wanting a "divorced" family life for them... I know , I realize i am sacrificing MY happiness for this ideal thought of a happy family...

I do think HE also doesn't want this either BUT won't be the one to say so first. Sometimes, I feel guilty for looking back and seeing how a mistake this was... that the only good I find in it are my children.

I never thought this was the kind of life I would have with him... I honestly did not. Had I seen signs from the beginning, I would not have even started the realtionship, much less get married.

Jamison

I know this might be hard to do/hear, but the sooner you accept the fact he possibly has a mental disorder, and that he may never be able to be who you fully want/desire the better off you may be. The best thing you can do is take care of you.

I know that he hasn't been diagnosed with any actual kind of mental disorder, and I'm no doctor but IMO its highly possible after reading many of your threads, that its highly possible he does have something going on. My wish for you, is that he goes and seeks some kind of therapy. That may or may not ever happen, so you need to make sure you go and take care of you. Bottom line, at some point, you will need to decide what it is you can and can not live with. He likely will not make you happy like you would like, you will have to do that, and then see where things take you.

savannah

Absolutely! Therapy would help.. however, we did go to counselling for about 2 weeks a few years back. I don't know how I managed to convince him but I finally did!

It wasn't pretty.

First, he was not taking it seriously... almost grinning at the counselors comments... then the last of it was becasue the counselor opened up his past issues... and left to finish comments about until until "next session"... well my H was furious and it bothered him that whole in between period... after that he did not want to go back and felt it was an absolute waste of time... In essence , it actually made him a much more worse person by opening up issues! it was horrible!

And YES! I certainly do think he has some sort of disorder. But convincing him to see a professional is yet another story. He actually KNOWS he has issues, but shrugs it off and dismisses it as "noraml" bad mood...

Just yesterday he went from good mood to bad moood about 4-5 x in the course of the day! It was awful!!!!!!
On the "good" moments, he would joke to me as if I were able to just jump moods too ike him???
He stopped joking around after I practically ignore his attempts of joking... I mean seriously, I am not a light switch that can jump from mood to mood like him.

Does he seriously not see this issue???!!!