I've just joined this forum as I have no-one I can talk to and I feel very alone right now. I don't like complaining about my relationship to friends or family.
So, let's start... I would so love some advice, I don't know what to do.
First off, I love my husband. BUT at the moment I am starting to feel so irritated by what seems like selfish behaviour to me that I'm harbouring mean thoughts about him and having nightmares about me leaving him. :-(
We've been married for three years. He TELLS me he loves me all the time, calls me names like 'sweetheart' and 'pumpkin' and is generally very loving. However, he's loving to everyone, so this is not unique to me. That is his personality. No complaints there. Although i would rather he showed me he loved me than said it.
My complaint is that we are so different and it's starting to really upset me. I'm 33 and my biological clock is ticking (still don't know if I want kids) but I do want to travel before I have them. I haven't seen the world, I've gone straight from school to uni and running my own business. My life has been work, work, work. He also owns his own business, this makes the possibilities of travel pretty much nil. I can work anywhere in my line of work as a writer, but he can't leave his business.
His 'dream weekend' is surfing. So, he gets his dream weekend pretty much every weekend. He will leave for the beach first thing in the morning and come back late at night then zombie on the couch. His dream weekend is BBQs, beaches and beers. My dream weekend is going to see bands, visit art galleries, historical monuments - none of which can happen in the small country we are in. My dream weekend is not sitting in the house by myself waiting for him to come home, which is what I seem to do most days. He seems to have no sympathy for the fact that I work from home and don't socialise with people so my weekend with him is precious.
He doesn't appreciate that I like 'quality' time with him. For example, when he came back from two weeks overseas he went out for breakfast with me, then proceeded to go buy some shoes while I traipsed around behind him and he chatted on the phone to his mates making plans to spend the next day fishing with them. When I dared mention that I wanted him to make quality time with me since I hadn't seen him for two weeks he bit my head off about 'I'm with you now, what's your problem? I haven't seen anyone else either!' My problem? He will happily arrange to spend a day with his mates but never puts any thought into time with me. I don't want to sound needy, because I have a lot of my own interests (although little money to fund them at the mo). Frankly, I would like to think that spending the weekend with me when he's been away was more important than suddenly needing to spend a day with the boys. Is that so wrong? He makes out that I am selfish with his time, but I'm a pushover. He does what he wants, when he wants. I even realised that when we go out I never, ever dare say, "I'm tired, let's go." I just sit there like a trophy wife and wait for him to say that he is ready to go.
Recently he shouted me a wonderful treat of a massage - we went for a couples massage and spent the day together. I felt so tired and a little dow afterwards. He wanted sex. When I didn't feel like having it he yelled at me and stormed out of the bedroom slamming the door! Crikey, I can't just turn on the 'porn star' - I'm not a switch!! Cuddles would have been nice.
Every weekend he announces that he is off to the beach (always at the last minute) so I feel I never have time to actually make plans with friends and will say something like, "I'm going surfing, you can come if you want?" GEE thanks buddy!
So I'm stuck here, in a country I don't want to live in, while he amuses himself doing everything he loves and I seem to spend my days fantasising about running away to see the world. I've told him so many times I want to travel, I've suggested that he would have more business success elsewhere and he's just not interested.
My mother warned me once. She adores him, but said that he likes the country and his mates too much to ever leave and that I will just have to deal with it. I am already starting to resent him and I don't know what to do. I feel like I can hardly even look at him at the moment. If I say anything he gets angry and defensive, so I just say nothing.
I don't know what to do. I'm losing myself for a man and I feel so unhappy. Should he respect what I want to do in the same way he takes off and pleases himself? Or do you think I am just over-reacting? He is a good man and I want to spend my life with him, but I can't spend my life like this.