SHARKY

I have posted before about my situation. Been married for nine years and have a eight year old daughter. My wife checked out of this marriage several month ago. I have done all I could do to get feedback from her as to why and what with no straight answers. We had a great relationship, always happy and doing things together. We shared duties around the house and I was always very supportive in everything she did. We never had any issues, fighting, confrentations, we loved each other a lot.

However, one day I noticed that she was a little diffrent and distant and I noticed that she was not acting herself. The next day I asked her if she was having a bad day and her reply was no. She then started saying that she was going out with some girls from work to have some drinks and I said ok, just becareful driving home. That lead to multiple times during the week awithout any consideration to me and our daughter. Then she started going out on the weekends as well.

That is when I started to get really uptight and started telling her that this has to stop right now out of respect for me and the child we have. She said that she was not doing anything wrong and that she was just having drinks with girls. I followed by saying that I did not agree with the way she has done it and the reason behind it. I told her that I did not have a problem with the happy hours but the late nights were not aceeptable to me. She got defensive and said that I was not her dad and this is not the 50`s when women were not allowd to do crap.

I then said, youre right this is not the 50`s, however, this is our marriage home and you need to respect me and our child. If you want to be be single again then move on and tell me the truth. She ignored that tell this day. Time as passed and she has totally disconnected and seems to be happy with our current situation at home. I set my boundaries and she just does not show any remorse for me, I have done my best to try to see what I could do to save this marriage but she is totally checked out in a fog. She avoids any confrentation when I say to her what are your plans and what are you planning to do.

I told her that I was going to file for divorce and and have shared 50/50 custody of our daughter. She tlod me that we needed to figure out many things first. I told her we need to move forward so you can be happy on your own without having me around. If you want to be single again then we have legally get divorced. She staired at me and did not say a word, I told her you are not going to have your cake and eat it as well. It has been four days since this conversation and it looks as if she is thinking a lot. I am really hurt and confused right now, she refuses to see a marriage counselor together because she says that they can`t do nothing for us.

PS: What do I do at this point, I am ready to file I can not take this anymore.

PBear

Have you done whatever checking you can to see if she's having an affair? Cell phone records, etc? There's steps you can try if she is having an affair (and based on your description, that seems very possible). Check out the "Coping with Infidelity" forum for suggestions.

C

SHARKY

I have a company phone and she has her own phone. So it is impossible for me to do that. I have been reading in "Coping with Infidelity" section and all the other sections many times over. I just dont know what else to do at this point, my life is shattered and I need to get myself back in track.

greenpearl

I don't know why she became like this suddenly!

But you have to be strict with your boundaries.

A married woman goes out so often is very inappropriate and weird.

She can't just ignore your feeling as a husband and her responsibility as a mother. She can't just fool around!

If she doesn't respect you as a husband ans she doesn't want to work out your relationship together anymore, there is no other solution but file for divorce. Living with a person whose heart is not there for you is miserable. You'd better cut your misery sooner rather than later!

PBear

Have you confronted her on whether she's having an affair or not? You could start implementing some of the things posted in the Infidelity section. If nothing else, drawing your line in the sand about what's acceptable and what's not, and then standing by it.

You could also suggest a separation rather than a divorce if you want to try to work things out. Let her get a taste of what single life truly is. What she'd be missing out on if she was on her own.

C

SHARKY

I know it is hard to live with a person who has checked out. I have for the past five month, it has taken a toll in me. However, I do not want to leave my home, I was not the one to check out. I never gave her a reason to check out either. Our sex life was great, we enjoyed our company and had a great together. She never had to tell me about any chores because I did more than my share and would teach my daughter how to help as well. I made it esy for her and she is accountable for what has happened. It is very hard to cope with what is happening we are still sleeping in the same bed together. How do I protect my feelings being in the house and what is the best way to handle this after all she is the one with the issues. I have seen a therapist on my own and it has helped me out a little.

greenpearl

My guess is that she is probably having an affair.

Some people make mistakes because they are curious and they have no self control. They want to taste the forbidden fruit! They will only know the bitterness after they taste it.

Just ask her clearly if that is what she wants, check out or work out. If she wants to check out, you don't need to sweat over her anymore. Just view it a failed relationship, no matter how sweet and wonderful it had been. It is spoiled and bitter now, no need to keep a rotten fruit like this.

File, give yourself another chance and you will find happiness and laughter somewhere else!

SHARKY

I asked her straight out this weekend about her having an affair, and her reply was no. She said that she was not doing anything wrong, just social drinking with her friends. I told her that her selfishness has caused a great deal of grief and concern to me and our daughter. I also told her that she has done this in the wrong way. Her reply what wrong way, my reply was the way that you should give me a reason to why you are acting the way you are and why the poor decision making.

I also said that I deserve an explanation. She did not reply and said nothing but I`m sorry for handling the way I did. I asked her to move out since she is the one checking out and her reply was that she works and pays her share and has no reason to leave. I told her that she has not respected the marriage home and that I was not the one to get my bags ready. It ids very hard living in a home that has no harmony and love and affection.

PBear

Of course she said she's not having an affair! You've read the posts in the Infidelity forum, didn't you? What percentage of spouses fessed up to having an affair BEFORE their spouses provided proof? Especially if they didn't want the affair to be over.

I'm not saying that she's having an affair, but seriously... Take a long hard look, and don't trust her word for anything.

C

SHARKY

I hear you, however, if she was having an affair it would be almost every other day and leaving the house at any given time. She has not done this, their were times when she left with her monthly period.

sinnister

Unfortunately, none of that disproves an affair.

I'm sorry you're going through this. And your young daughter as well.

PBear

Speaking from experience... If she's emotionally involved with someone as well as physically, her having a period isn't reason to not get together. Getting together to just hang out is always an option, and likely just as damaging (or even more so) than them getting together to have sex.

Again, I'm not saying that she's cheating. But there's NOTHING that says she's not (that you've said), and it's much more suspicious than innocent.

C

troy

My wife has also checked out and is disrespecting me, my kids, and our marriage in much the same way. I also asked her to leave but she has not left as yet.

Its very hard living in the same house with someone who ignores you like you dont exist. Things are quiet now but the tension is there. I expect things to get worse with time.

When you lose your spouse you go throught the same grieving stages as when someone dies. One of those stages is anger, so expect it and do not allow yourself to be the victim of this emotion. DO NOT do anything that you will regret later. NO violence. The last thing you want is to end up in jail and lose your daughter.

Its best for her to leave if she has no intention of working on fixing the problem.

SHARKY

I`m sorry that you are going through the same thing, it is tough living under the same roof. I will not do anything stupid, however, I will not allow her to continue either. How can I get her to leave?

Wrench

Sharky I'm just throwing this out there but is there any way you can sleep somewhere else in the home?

It sounds to me like she had a "the grass is greener" phase a few months ago but now it has cooled and she can't bring herself to move out.

Seperate beds and the 180 approach might snap her out of it so you can move on to whatever's next. At least a symbolic seperation might make you feel better and make it easier to stay 180.

Good luck man.