second timer

I'm at wits end and desperately need quality advice for a difficult situation. I'm married to a woman (our second marriage each) with untreated depression who suffers from chronic back pain, has a horrible temper and is prone to flying into fits of rage over seemingly trivial matters, and lacks normal coping mechanisms for handling stress (AND she's a teacher). We each have two young children with similar custody arrangements who also cause us much stress. We're living in a hotel due to flood damage in our home's kitchen and I'm doing everything humanly possible to keep the family's needs met and ensure general peace and tranquility. We've been married for nearly three years and have unbelievable chemistry. I tolerated her emotional abuse for the first few years but have recently begun (finally) being honest about my feelings (I used to keep them hidden to avoid fighting in my new marriage). For the past seven months she's been telling me we're in "crisis" mode since I revealed to her that I had a secret Facebook account with many artificial "friends" and she immediately began accusing me of an affair with some of the women (which I certainly didn't). The FB account was merely a pasttime and source of comedy release for me since I spend hours alone all day at work. She is a private person who needs lots of downtime and I'm a very outgoing, nonsecretive person who hates staying home all the time watching boring tv shows.

Now I feel like I've lost all of my identity over the past few years in my quest to make and keep her happy; to win her approval, and lately she's begun to accuse me of being "smothering" and "needy". She's says we're attached at the hip and she needs lots more "breathing room". I'm beginning to think I'm done with this marriage and have read some posters in here write that once a woman flips off the switch it never comes on. I don't need this constant feeling of being emotionally abused, not having many of my needs met and also feeling like I'm short-changing quality time with my daughters who really don't think much of her (given that she makes a fraction of the effort with them that I make with her sons). Argh! Can anyone give me some good advice other than back off and leave her alone for awhile???

Hicks

Yes, you have stated exactly what your problem is. Stop trying to win her approval. Stop being smothering and needy. Focus on being the giver of approval rather than the receiver.

Prodigal

I think you saw plenty of red flags prior to marrying this woman, so you had an idea of what you were getting into. Now you've lived with it long enough, and it sounds like you're ready to walk.

Untreated depression doesn't just go away. Why is it she won't seek treatment? Has she done so in the past? I don't believe that simply popping meds for psychological disorders is a total fixer; competent counseling is needed as well.

What gives me a sense that you are "needy" is the fact that you had a preview of what you were getting into, but went forward anyway.

The only thing you can do at the present time is physically remove yourself from the house when she goes on a rant. Other than that, I would highly suggest you seek legal counsel in order to get your ducks in a row.

This marriage sounds like a losing proposition to me, needy or not ...

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

second timer

Oh there were plenty of red flags for sure. We had the most amazing chemistry and sex was the reason I so willingly overlooked them. When I first met her she was struggling to survive with a new mortgage and bills. She and her boys were sacrificing greatly and she was over-medicating with alcohol and a series of one-night stands and younger boy-toys. I figured I could rescue her and restore her to the self-respecting wife and teacher that she'd always been.

She has a psychiatrist AND a psychologist that she sees regularly. She recently tried going on birth control pills to help regulate her hormones but it only made things twice as bad. She know takes a chorus of drugs including Zanax, Vicotin, Flexoril AND Ambien since she cannot sleep without it. She frets and worries over everything and always keeps me dangling on the edge telling me that everytime she appears temporarily happy or fine it's really just an act to please me. She recently told me she contemplates suicide every day and often wishes a truck would hit and kill her. I'm jumping through hoops to keep her happy and have become hyper-vigilant to her mood swings. Yet despite all this I still love her. She occasionally goes on these rants about how I smother her and need to give her more space (like last night, which was particularly mean and nasty) and how I don't take subtle hints well (which is true; I'm more of a direct, say-it-like-it-is person). My family is worried for me and all wonder what I'm still doing here. Ay-yi-yi, what a mess.

MarriedWifeInLove

I agree, but sometimes this is easier said than done.

Especially when your SO is doing everything possible to make you feel unsafe, insecure and unwanted.

It can turn anyone into a sniveling, needy, clingy fool.

People are usually NOT needy if they feel safe, secure and loved.

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

MarriedWifeInLove

Sounds to me like the 'little head' led the 'big head' into this marriage and that's always a recipie for disaster, especially when the 'big head' starts realizing that things aren't what they seem.

She apparently has 'issues.' But don't we all.

You need to decide if keeping the 'little head' happy is worth driving the 'big head' crazy.

And believe me - with my situation I'm really one to be handing out advice.

But you need to do like I've done - I've decided to stay, stick things out and work within the boundaries I have. Compromise a lot, bite my tongue a lot and do without a lot (though my situation is different due to a TBI).

Only YOU can figure out if you need to split or stay.

But I feel for ya!

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

second timer

Okay, this seems to make a TON of sense to me! When I feel that she's okay with "us" I'm infinitely more confident and capable in my daily life because I'm not spending all my time worrying about our marriage. It's all the times that I spend in fear of her mood swings and sharp tongue that cause me such anxiety, fretting and lack of productivity. I long for stability and predictability!!!

Syrum

I agree and she sounds awful.

bill2011

MWIL has a good point, I'm a nice guy who is manning-up and probably was more needy that I should be; however the other person can significantly amplify this neediness as you feel less loved and secure in the relationship. The key is to focus on yourself so you are not needy to begin with, then there is nothing to amplify and you can tackle your problems correctly

credamdóchasgra

I can relate to that fear and anxiety.
It is possible to cultivate and generate a store of stability, peace, and predictability within yourself that can keep you a little more grounded when she rocks the boat.
Have you done individual counseling?
That has helped me become a bit less sensitive to my husband's sharp tongue, moodiness, and reactivity.
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Conrad

ST,

You sound like a really "nice guy".

I fear that is at the heart of your issues:

Read, peruse, all the links. Come discuss them with us.

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

second timer

We've tried marriage counseling and it was obvious that the counselor was siding too favorably with me so my wife decided we should quit. When my wife went to her own counselor who she has seen for years she was told that she's too hard to please and that 40-year-old women should feel fortunate to even have a man, let alone one who put she and her sons first above all else. That angered her so she dumped that counselor too (now has a new one). I'm beginning individual counseling next week, though it's never been my cup of tea. I'm trying to keep an open mind.

second timer

Thanks and yes I agree with you on this. I just ordered the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" from Amazon, which was suggested by me to a board member in here. I'm bending too far to preserve my marriage and sacrificing way too much of my own interests and self-esteem.

Conrad

Many here have felt EXACTLY the same way you do at one point in our relationships.

We get it.

We also know a strong positive way to change the dynamic in your relationship.

It will be up to you, but the support is here.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Conrad

Counselors who understand "Internal Family Systems" therapy have proven excellent in my experience.

I'd advise you to find one of those.

It will make a huge difference - even though I acknowledge the psych profession has many quacks.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH