My insecurities and honesty + memory is ruining my marriage
I have no one to turn to since my best friend/husband isn't speaking to me right now.
Last night we hung out w/ our friend. I've known him for over 10 yrs. We only just started hanging out again. It seemed he had a lot of relationship problems, I've always thought he was a very honest individual. About a week ago, my insecurities got the best of me. I'm a very insecure person & don't feel I'm good enough for my husband. I don't feel like I make him happy. So I thought, since my friend is always honest & straight to the point, I can trust him to give me his opinion. I felt that he would give me an honest answer and it wouldn't change our friendship. I asked him if I may send him a photo of my breasts and I needed to hear an honest answer. My question was, "Are they too small and saggy and are my nipples gigantic?" He responded w/ "Send me a pic but I don't want Ed getting mad. I'll give you my opinion." I sent it to him. He responded with, "They look fine, and not too big nor too small. Perfect. Your nipples are fine as well." I thanked him and that was the end of it. Nothing has changed and he still treats me the same. Well last night, my husband and I hung out with him and a few other friends that he introduced us to. I drank a little bit of alcohol. My friend did as well. Later, I noticed our friend poured a glass of water & said, "A full cup of vodka!" and I kept it to myself thinking maybe he was joking but he didn't wink or do a thing to show he was joking. I just laughed. Later he poured another cup of water and said to me, "My second full glass of vodka!" I shook my head but I knew it was water. This morning, my husband brought it up to me that he thinks my friend is cool, wanted to hang out more but last night he noticed that my friend was lying about drinking two cups of vodka. I told my husband that I noticed it too but thought perhaps he was drunk. But he was very sober. Apparently we both caught him lying. I began thinking about how I thought he was honest and how he told me he's seen a lot of naked women, etc. and that he can give me his honest opinion since he's seen so many. I felt uneasy, I said to my husband, "I don't know honey...I thought he was always honest. Now I don't believe him when he's said he's seen a lot of breasts because I sent him a picture of mine since he has supposedly seen many. *shaking my head* He could give me his honest opinion. Nothing has changed he gave me his opinion. He doesn't treat me any different. Helped me with my insecurities." My husband looked at me with a look of murder. I tried to stop him from walking away from me and he pushed me away and told me to shut the "f" up & stomped upstairs to get ready. I walked upstairs and told him that maybe I should have kept it to myself and that I can't keep anything from him nor can I lie to him. He's my best friend and my husband of 14 years. He shoved my arm away from blocking him from leaving. I let him go. He was sitting in the van getting ready to pick up the kids and smoking a cigarette and tears and hate were in his eyes. I walked up to him and told him I am sorry but that he knows how I am about my insecurities and I can't keep anything from him. I mean I love my husband that much to be able to tell him honestly everything. It seems as though honesty is not the best answer and that lying is better. But I could never do that to him. He's always known everything. He took off is ring since I saw it in the pocket in the car door. :*( I've always felt like I was never good enough for anyone. My older brother and sister always made fun of me when I was little about my mole on my cheek. It's affected me so much so, I've never felt pretty. I suppose it's become an obsession now to try to please my hubby by trying to get fit,etc. When I don't feel like I'm loved enough by him I get insecure, I tend to look elsewhere for compliments. (He's told me that I've done this in the past-sent a stupid pic of my breasts to people in the past) But I don't recall any of it. (I was diagnosed w/ brain seizures that i'm unaware of, about 2 months ago) the neurologist is still trying to find medication to stop them. I asked him about my failing memory, he said that It's most likely due to my brain seizures causing a sort of short-circuit in my brain. If I can't even recall people I've met, most of my childhood memories, and problems I've had with my husband in the past-How am I supposed to remedy this situation? It seems I can't learn from my mistakes if I can't remember it. I just want to end my life already. I can't make him happy nor can I help myself with my health and insecurities. *crying* I feel like a lost cause and I don't know what to do.
If anyone can help me...It would be greatly appreciated...Thank you in advance.
Last edited by Misera"bel"; 03-24-2011 at 08:35 PM.