Messed

Dear All,

I am having a very peculiar problem in my married life. I would be interested in knowing if someone has faced this ever before and if so how did they resolved it. Me and my wife are married for last 7 years and have been quite happy in our married lie (well atleast I think so). When I and my wife first met I was still in college while she had left school and was working at a local departmental store.

When I completed my B.S and finally landed in a decent job we got married. Since, we both wanted a child me and her mutually decided that she’ll quit her job as I was earning enough that she could afford to stay at home. In the last seven years few things have changed dramatically I got promoted multiple times changed jobs and can afford a much more comfortable living for me, my wife and daughter. All this time my wife stayed at home raising our daughter and she is really good at that.

However, over the period of time I don’t know why she has started developing doubts about herself. She constantly thinks we two are class apart; I am far superior then her carrier wise, she is no longer beautiful, where shell when I leave her and above all I am cheating on her.

I tried to made her understand that leaving her would be more like committing suicide as I am more logistically dependent on her then she is on me( I don’t cook, clean or do any household chores) but she never understands my point of view. Last week I asked her if she is so concerned about her looks she should visit a detox and skin rejuvenation clinic nearby she responded by the most horrendous statement I have heard in my life “I don’t want to pickup expensive habits that I cannot afford in long run when I am forced to live on my own”.

Has anyone been in such a situation before if at all I have a few questions for you to help me with.

My questions to you all are:

1. How can I convince my wife that I am not cheating on her and I don’t plan to dump her ever.

2. I still love her and if she has grown old I haven’t got any younger. Infact I have developed a beer belly.

3. She doesn’t need to find work for herself as I take full responsibility of my family.

DDDCanada

It sounds as though your wife is reaching out to you to feel appreciated, loved and desired. I am confident that her low self-esteem is leading to her insecurities about your relationship. Please give her the attention she deserves and make her know that you love her unconditionally. Also, spend some quality time alone with your wife. This will give you an opportunity to reconnect and rekindle your love. I personally love my wife beyond words and always try to remind her how special she is.

not recognizable

It sounds like she is having severe self esteem issues and possibly depression. Perhaps you could encourage her to see a therapist or even the family md for medication. She should also be getting daily cardio exercise--at least 30 min--that will release some feel good chemicals and she will feel better about herself as well. Other than that, continue to show that you are still attracted to her, maybe buy her gifts such as jewelry, clothes, lingerie--anything to show you are still attracted to her. Also keep in close contact so she knows where you are--don't disappear unexplained.

Women face constant brutal assaults on our physical self esteem. I can't stand in a grocery line or open up comcast web page for world news without being bombarded with pics of the latest hot babe in bikinis. We are constantly told we are not attractive enough but can fix that by buying some product or service. It really is a racket and we are all hooked for life.

It will take some energy from you, but you can help her heal some of those wounds these things inflict on women. At the end of the day, though, she is going to have to have courage and face her own issues.

And please, don't check out other women when you are together. That is absolute homicide to women with a delicate self esteem. Remember she is hurting...as women we are taught that our main value lies in our appearance, and attempting to measure up to impossible standards is infinitely aggravating.

Hope this helps.

By the way, it isn't a stupid problem at all, and most women go through it (look at the mindboggling prevalence of eating disorders--do any women not have them?). At least she has the courage to take some tentative steps in expressing her fears--a lot of women never get that far, and it comes out in other, hard to interpret ways.

Another thing--talk in a lighthearted and affectionate way about things you will do together when you are old folks, which in an ofhand and inconspicous way affirms that you intend to spend your lives together.

sinnister

I think part of her issues is that you think the problem is stupid. I assure you, from what you have described, it is very serious to her.

MarriedWifeInLove

Sounds like depression to me.

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

greenpearl

She doesn't trust herself. She doubts her own ability!

A woman who is useful to her husband will usually be able to keep her husband. But she doesn't think like this. All she sees is high infidelity and divorce rate. She has fear, her fear is causing her to feel insecure. Which is very common, a lot of people have fear, just different kinds.

Please just reassure her than you need her, you appreciate her sacrifice at home, she gives you a happy home, she is a wonderful woman.

Women need a lot of reassurance and compliments from their husbands.

I have a wonderful husband! I make our life very comfortable for him so he becomes very dependent on me! Yeah..................................!!!

attmay13

Have you talked to her about getting a job? I understand that money is not a problem however it could make her feel that she is helping around the house money wise. The amount doesnt matter. Plus she may feel better just because she would have a job. She could spend her money that she made and get things that she wants on her own. It just feels good to do that from time to time.

Messed

Dear All,

Thank you for your insightful replies. Most of you have advised me what I have tried the most over last six odd months. I was generally not an expressive guy but I promise in last one month I have used the sentence “I love you” more number of times I would have in 33 years of my life.

I even told her(and which is a fact) that she is far attractive for her age(31) then me and its me who should be insecure given the fact I have a beer belly and receding hairline.

“A woman who is useful to her husband will usually be able to keep her husband.”

I pray to God converse is false otherwise I am in soup cos thanks to my wife I haven’t done any household activity like cooking, cleaning, dusting and washing in ages. lol

As per therapist is considered well I honestly have not explored that option and may be its worthwhile.

Once again thanks for your advice do appreciate this website in helping compete stranger with issues they don’t know whom to speak with