General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My old man use to beat the **** out of me for fun and my mom would not leave him because he threatened her life along with her entire families. My sister use to make up things to get me in trouble just to watch my dad beat me. I was the only one in the family who would take a punch from my dad and not cry about it and just walk or crawl away and never say a word. I have been depressed my whole life and everything that had potential to finally make me happy and turn my life around fell through. I was the one constantly being abused yet I was the one who my friends came to with their petty problems because they knew I had a rough life(they didn't know to what extent) and might have the answers. My dad was a drunk but he was worse when he was sober. He would burn me with his cigarettes, punch/kick/slap me, tell me I was worthless, call me ugly, threaten to kill my mother and sister, and many other things but you get the point. He did this all just to be an *******. How do I know? Because I always had the "hot girls" as my girlfriends, I was the fastest, strongest, athlete in my school(not a jock though, I didn't like attention), got good grades, and was friends with just about everyone in school. I was the joker and nice guy all the kids wanted to hang out with and was the first to be asked to all parties but my dad just hated the site of me for some reason and gave me zero motivation in life. The only motivation was, "Don't **** up boy or I'll kill you".
See I know my dad did this because his dad was abusive and so was his dad and his, etc. and my dad was not strong enough to break the cycle . My dad is ex-special forces and when he was sober enough to treat me like a human, he would teach me to fight, shoot, strategize, etc. but he never knew how to function as a father. This is just another point I want you all to know for later.
Moving on, my childhood memories always lingered in my mind making it hard to be happy. On top of that everything that was considered good later turned out to be a lie or fell through. I would find the right girl and then she would move away. I would make a true friend, then he would die. I had every close friend of mine in highschool die(4 of them) and the rest moved away.
I have so much rage inside yet I am always the one who keeps his cool in a situation because I've pretty much been through it all. I know when to be an animal and when to be a nurturer. That is why so many woman liked me in my past.
Now to the present day problem. I'm an adult now who is grown up(27 years old) and married with one child(10 months old). I still am a very nurturing person given my situation. My bad luck has struck again. I finally landed a good paying job 5 years ago and things went sour for the company. Now I'm unemployed, have a spinal disease that causes me cronic pain every day, fight depression but don't want to take any more pills than I have to, and on top of it my wife treats me like a disease. I bend over backwards for her yet she treats me like a pest.
Since I lost my job and have a bad back anyway, my wife is the only one working and I take care of our baby girl. I don't have any problem taking care of kids while my wife works. It's not the way I planned it but it works out for the best. I love taking care of children. I make it a point to be everything for our daughter that my dad was not for me. Not just to prove a point to my family that the cycle of abuse ends with me but because I truely, genuinely, love children(especially mine) and will do anything to help a kid in need. If I ever saw anyone treating a child the way my dad treated me it would be the last time that man ever layed a hand on his child again. I know when and for what reason to turn on that rage and fighting skills my father bestowed upon me.
Now on to my problem....my wife. She know many details about my past and knows what I'm capable of yet I feel she want's me to lose my temper with her. She has no reason to get upset with me. I still give her the love and attention that she needs in all facets of marriage. I love our child and take care of her all day while my wifes at work(I will never tell her but she has a cake job and thats why she doesn't mind being the one working). I cook for my wife, clean the house, repair things that need it, maintain the property, and wait on her hand an foot. If she needs anything I get it for her. Most of the time all I have to do is make eye contact with her and ask if she needs this or that and she just smiles because I always guess what she wants. I'm good with her, our child, and all general man things. I built our house from the foundation up with my own two hands, restore classic cars as a hobby, am an avid hunter and survivalist, I'm good looking and in excellent shape, and have been known to make my wife orgasm so hard she goes unconscious(not joking). I'm a mans man by defenition yet she treats me like a piece of ****. She complains about the most trivial things. She will ***** if I leave a baby bottle on top of the TV stand even if I only leave it there for a moment while I burp our baby. She is in a terrible mood every day after work and brings her anger home and takes it out on me. She will keep pushing my buttons until I tell her "you need to back off" because she knows what I mean when I say that yet she comes at me like shes a full grown man looking for a fight. She constantly provokes me and even says "be a big man, come on, hit a woman like your dad does". I want so bad to drive my fist out the backside of her head because nobody has ever talked to me like that but I'm not about to punch a woman so what do I do? She will throw stuff at me and try my patient and she knows what I'm capable of yet she keeps testing me.
On to her background. She pretty much grew up in a fairytale life. Her dad made $75/hour at his job, my dad couldn't hold a job. Her family had gathering for every occasion, my dad would get drunk every holiday and hold us hostage while he shot at us with a BB gun and threw beer bottles at us. Her dad loved his family and everyone got along like the Cleavers, my dad hated us and we wondered every night when we laid down for bed if he was going to kill us in our sleep.
My point of all this rambling and bad sentence structure is "Why is she such a ***** to me"? She's had a good life and I had nothing. I'm nice to everyone and she's a cold-hearted ***** to me and my family. She gets worse every year and our marriage is only held together by our child. I've been through too much to be treated like this. Any takers on this topic?
Thank you to all who spent the time to read my rambling.
I know it's hard for outsiders to understand a situation without being there but you are way off base. She's not the materialistic, money grabbing type so she couldn't care less if it's her or me making the money. It was her idea in the first place for me to stay unemployed. When I lost my job she was thrilled because now we didn't have to worry about strangers babysitting our kids and raising them wrong. When I lost my job I said "Oh well, I'll find another", she said "Don't bother", we're fine on my income. She said, "I'd rather you be with her than some stranger". So your theory of her being upset with me taking on her role is incorrect. Besides, she has had this aggressive attitude for the last 6 years or so and I lost my job 3 months ago so your theory doesn't work. She just keeps getting worse year after year. She starts fights and then denies saying anything in the first place. She has a terrible memory and says very hurtful things and doesn't remember. This is why I'm confused about her behavior.
As for you telling me to get over my past, you know where you can go. I handle myself just fine and my point is that people who have not lived through the hell I have need to suck it up and realize how good they have it. Events that leave others traumatized, I shake it off and find it benign.
The issue is not me I am sure of it. I would like to know what would cause someone to intentionally pick fights with someone they can not beat, mentally and physically? I love her and tell her every day. She tells me that too but then proceeds to pick fights over nothing and then tells me to forget it. I ask her why she would even bother fighting about something so trivial and she says just drop it. I just want her to tell me why she gets upset over the little things that are not even issues to begin with. She will leave something on the floor and forget about it for days and I will pick it up for her, take care of it, and not say a word. If I leave the same thing there for only a moment and go the bathroom, when I return she complains about it. I say, "Really, you're going to get man over that"? Then she says nevermind. See what I'm saying. It's pointless but she keeps it doing it every day and sometimes she gets really violent over nothing. It's not me.
I don't think that between you and your wife, there is a "good guy" and "bad guy."
I think you both have some fight in you, and it sounds like you genuinely do not want the violence that you grew up with.
It does sound like she is provoking you, testing you, picking on you, for whatever reasons.
Something is driving her to do that.
But the rage and anger that is boiling up inside of you in response, is yours to pay attention to.
Some people believe that stating "I will NOT do what my parents did" is enough to actually prevent it.
My husband is one of those people.
It doesn't always work like that. He looks and sounds very much like what he hated in his parents, more often than either of us would like.
"Deciding" just isn't always enough to actually BE different.
You may need to work through some resentment, bitterness, and anger about your childhood before you can handle your current situation more effectively.
We all carry experiences, emotions, and habits that show up when we don't want, and we don't always even realize that's what is happening.
I think that if you pay attention to these feelings you have re: your wife and work to heal the part of you that was hurt as a child, it will help you and your family. Posted via Mobile Device
IMO, your wife is triggering a part of you that feels unfairly picked on.
As a kid, you were unfairly picked on and hurt by your dad.
When she does what she does, that kid comes back and wants to fight and defend you.
Pay attention to those feelings--not to her as "the problem"--and realize that you deserve to heal all this hurt and bitterness so you can be the best father and husband possible, and your wife will see that strength and treat you with more patience and respect. Posted via Mobile Device
I think children learn what they live and when you grow up being abused, sometimes you choose an abusive partner. It's just part of our paradigm. You need to reevaluate the relationship and if you are not growing and thriving in the relationship then I would consider other options. Some people just have negative, harsh, or aggressive personalties, not always the best match for abuse survivors, triggers too many negative emotions. Posted via Mobile Device
Mr Spiral - your wife is trying to tame you. It is that simple. You are a wild animal. Man-up and take control of your human life and family. But be your-self. She does it because she is quietly insecure but doesn't want to admit it. I wish I realized that 25 years ago.
That is how bullies get their power - picking fights. She wants to crack the whip and see you squirm. Invite her into your life as a partner, companion, tell her you will never ever leave and show her every day.
It has nothing to do with your old man, stop blaming him for your mess. My wife treated me exactly like that too. I lost my job when my son was 4yr old and my wife had to work. My old man was no saint and we were dirt poor but he never mistreated us - it is a wife-control thing.
I am a lot like you except for the abusive old man. I had chronic pain, had no trouble finding girl friends, we stayed together for our kid. Now I am old, my kid has grown up, I left 3 times but keep coming back and I feel like she treats me like a wild-animal that needs to be tamed. We have been in therapy for 5 years and it has helped some, but I want to escape.
You gotta talk with her, not at her. When she criticizes anything - ask her "can you say that in a different way? or I hear you are saying ..... but is that what you meant? "
Don't get defensive when she criticizes and be aware of when she gets defensive. Comfort her - she may think she is trying to fix things. Say I still love you even though your words hurt me.
Don't let her "pile-on" the complaints. And don't pile-on complaints about her.
Those are the best advice my therapist gave us that really really work
Having a 10mo old should be the happiest time of your life. You have a lot going for you. Today will be the best day of your life and tomorrow will be better. Might as well plan for it.
My life sucks 
