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Just found out I'm pregnant

10K views 153 replies 39 participants last post by  Thundarr 
#1 ·
This came as a surprise to both and my husband. I am 18 and a baby is not what I wanted at this time in my life. But, we have decided not to abort or give our baby up for adoption. My husband has a stable job. I am not worried financially. But still worried it is going to be hard.
Anyway, my husband says he is excited, and I believe him. However he says he doesn't really want to go with me to ultrasounds and other baby related dr appointments. I dont really know how to approach him.
Have any of you men felt this way? How am I supposed to talk to him about this? He knows it is really important to me that we go together but he doesnt seem that interested. Should I just accept that he wont be there?
This might seem silly, but I am a hormonal, pregnant, teenager. Advice please!
 
#2 ·
You're both totally freaked out right now. It's very important NOT see things in each that probably aren't there.

His problem with 'baby related' stuff is a guy who just found out he's going to be a Dad. Extremely scary sh*t. Don't assume that he doesn't want to be a Dad, he just needs to get his head round it. You may well find that once he does he'll be annoyingly EVERYWHERE in regards the baby stuff! ;)

But talk to each other. Openly, honestly. Don't let anything be stored up inside so it gets toxic. Now is the time when you need each other more than ever.

And Congrats... Mom. :)
 
#3 ·
Congratulations? You should join cafe mom (cafemom.com). It will be very helpful.

My H was often out of town for my appointments. He did make 3 or 4 of them plus the sonograms. After the initial appointments they become so routine that you may feel like you are okay with going alone.

He did go to the few prenatal appointments with the doula. You should look into getting a doula. Best pregnancy decision we made.
 
#4 ·
Our marriage started out great, But then the fights began. We fight every week or two. Huge fights. It is always my fault. I keep forgetting little things to do around the house like make sure his clothes for work are ironed or pick up the scrap of paper he dropped under the bed the other day. He feels like I dont really want to learn to be a better housewife and I am not really open to change. I have found his family very different to mine and I am struggling to fit in and still feel very awkard. He says he always imagined his wife being so ambitious and doing so many different things. I used to want to be a writer, a therapist of some sort, a mother, a housewife and study my religion properly and maybe even become more religious. I am not sure what happened but I dont really have ambitions anymore. I just dont really want to do much in life other than what is neccessary in my home like cooking and cleaning and laundry and then I just want to relax with some tv or my phone. He loathes that.

I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough for him but he reassures me and says that he sees my efforts and appreciates them and I can be like them and better.


...he is still in love with me despite him saying he feels like marrying me was a mistake

he doesn't really want to go with me to ultrasounds and other baby related dr appointments.
My advice? Revisit the abortion/adoption decision.
 
#6 ·
No, I dont believe in abortion. No way.
I just want to say that we were both immature and seemed to have to fight about everything. We have calmed down a lot and got over the whole newlyweds lets make a huge fight out of everything. He has stopped critising. We are at a great place in our marriage. Things have definitely gotten better. We can both talk without getting offended and actually listen to eachother.
 
#5 ·
Thank you! He has been very supportive and is dealing well with my emotional melt downs and me being a little dramatic. I have seen him with his sisters and how if they come to stay over at his parents house, he will keep the baby so she can get some sleep, plays with kids...etc so I know he will be helpful and supportive. I think I have gotten over the shock and I am excited. He said he was excited from the start, then got a little confused, then is excited again. I just felt so offended he didnt want to go to our first scan at the end of next week. But I also cried for like 10 minutes when I asked where will we put the baby's crib and he just gave me a passive answer and then I later realised he is a man and isnt interested in the whole organising furniture and decoarting. So just wanted to see what people would say as I clearly cant think straight right now.
 
#7 ·
But I also cried for like 10 minutes when I asked where will we put the baby's crib and he just gave me a passive answer and then I later realised he is a man and isnt interested in the whole organising furniture and decoarting.
Maybe I gave you bad advice. If you can continue making excuses for his insensitivity for say, oh...I don't know...the next 20 years or so you just might make it.

Good luck to you.
 
#11 ·
maybe we are immature and maybe my marriage isnt that great to you. But to me, I am happy right now and so is my husband. We do fight. We overreact. I complain about it. And two weeks ago, when I posted about that, I was just pregnant but I didnt know it, I was miserable and felt depressed and just thought about all the crappy things. I got over that and dont feel so depressed anymore.
I am not here to ask people whether I should have this baby or not, thank you very much. If you cant give advice or your thought on why he doesnt feel like attending the ultrasounds with me, then please leave.
 
#40 ·
A child will often make both in a marriage mature fast. Let's face it. Your 18. This is a great unknown for both of you.


Let's put it this way....the day we took our daughter home from the hospital(day after birth) my W was in the back seat with her. She started to cry and cry. I asked what was wrong. She answered, "I just do not know what to do." Meaning how to care for a child. She was 21 at the time. We figured it out. You will to. That little girl we brought home is now 19, in college and holds a part time job. Just purchased her first brand new car. We also have a 16 year old.

So again, great unknown. Your H needs to get a grip and be part of the process. After all, he was part of the process that got you here.
 
#12 ·
Macho, I see your point, most of us on TAM see your point, but this is a CHILD you are talking to. ALL of us "knew it all" at 18. ;)

Miss Mystic, I had my first child when I was still a child as well. I was 17 when I got pregnant, had him at 18. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it sucks at times. But ya know what? It's also pretty awesome.

TRY YOUR BEST to not let your husband's attitudes and emotions effect you. Right now you need to try and remain as CALM as possible for that wee one inside of you. Yes, hormones will try to kick your butt, but since you realize that it's just hormones doing it, force your brain to take over and try to look at things logically. (It can be done, I have to do it myself every month or so. ;) )

The fact that your H is ALSO still a child means all 3 of you will be growing up a LOT in the recent years to come. And that's ok. One day you will be 35, looking into the face of your nearly 18 year old child and giggle at your 18 year old self. Mentally "slap" the crap outta her, wish you could go back and TELL HER IT WILL ALL BE OK!

Just relax, enjoy pregnancy and getting ready for your baby. Whether your H is as involved as you are or not.
 
#14 ·
MT, you will grow a lot from this experience.

Children are a gift. I wish you the very best with your pregnancy, your marriage, and with child-rearing. :)
 
#15 ·
Congratulations!

IMO, let go of him coming to the prenatal appointments.

However, he should not skip the 20 week sonogram or the birth. Those will make this real for him and encourage bonding with the child.

My DIL had a "gender reveal" party after the sonogram. Of course the daddy should be at the sonogram and be the first to know whether he's having a son or daughter (if you are choosing to find that out). I got to attend the sonogram of my second grandson. Your H would be a fool to miss it!
 
#17 ·
Speaking as a guy... For some of us, especially for first kids, it doesn't become "real" until later in the pregnancy. We obviously can't feel the new if growing, we don't have the hormones, etc. So encourage him to attend the appointments. Hearing the heartbeat and seeing the ultrasound are big steps. Look for the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting"

Good luck!

C
 
#19 ·
Congratulations!!!

Lucky for me, I had a very uneventful pregnancy - no problems at all. Most of my doctor appointments were very boring, all they did was weigh me & listen to the heart beat. I never made my husband go to those appointments, they lasted about 15 - 30 minutes at the most. The only appointments my husband went to were the ultrasound, my gestational diabetes testing (because you have to sit there for 3 hours & I needed someone to shoot the breeze with), & my first internal exam. I just didn't see the need to drag my husband to every appointment. But if it is important to you, have a talk with him about it. As your pregnancy progresses you will start having more frequent appointments, so your husband may not want to take off from work for all of them. Maybe your MIL can come with you to some of them & it can be a bonding moment for the both of you.
 
#20 ·
Congratulations! I got pregnant with my now 7 year old daughter when i was 20..had her at 21!! i was terrified because i always said i never wanted children! GREATEST blessing ever! you look past every obstacle that will get thrown your way because you will have the most unconditional love you have ever experienced in your life!! i now have a 1 year old son as well and my children are the light of my life. they have chamged me for the best and i devote everything to them! best of luck to you!!
 
#22 ·
You're 18, pregnant and posting on a marriage advice site. I'm married to the woman I have loved for over forty-three years, retired, comfortable financially and travel over six months each year. I have no doubt my wife and I would trade places with you in a heart beat except that we wouldn't do that to you.

I try to never give advice but I can offer some suggestions.

Don't let others, particularly strangers tell you what to do. You know right from wrong, smart from stupid and good from bad so always try to do good, right and smart things and your life should be, barring accidents, successful. If you do make a wrong, stupid or bad choice the worst thing you can do is to keep making it.

Enjoy your children. There is an old saying, "a parent is only as happy as their saddest child". Your approval, attention and love will be the best guarantee they will be happy and successful.

Never hesitate to have physical contact with your husband. I'm not just referring to being intimate with him. When you pass by him in the kitchen give him a caress. When he shows you something on his phone or tablet get very close to him. I still to this day wake up at night and find that my wife and I are holding hands.

Store and make as many good and happy memories as you possibly can. They will be the best way to travel over the bumpy times that will inevitably come your way.

I wouldn't give him grief if he can't come to every doctor visit but for his sake you should engourage him to come to see the sonograms, especially if he is interested in your baby's gender.

I can think of nothing more to offer you than good luck to you and yours,

Seasalt
 
#24 ·
Have you discussed what this does to your plans to go to school? You can still do that, you know.

Have you discussed what this does to your plans to try to move back to the UK? You can still do that, but I think it will be even harder to pry him away from his family set-up in Algeria. You'll likely get even more deeply entrenched with living with his mother.

If your doctor is the same one who told you pain during sex is normal because your muscles haven't loosened up, find a new doctor for your pre-natal care and delivery. The one you have doesn't seem all that bright or all that interested in working with you to make sure you aren't in pain during sex.
 
#28 ·
Yes, this soesnt change anything about those plans. It will be harder. But I am currently homeschooled and will continue that, then I will enroll at university and we will get a babysitter or juggle some family members who would be willing to help out with the baby.

We still plan on traveling in June. I will give birth in the uk because I feel more comfortable with the health care there and I have heard way too many birthing horror stories in hospitals here. And the baby wont really effect how long we stay especially as I will be close to my parents who are so exciting and will definitely be there for help when needed..

And I certainly dont plan on going bacj to her! I have found a new obgyn who seems to be better trained and speaks english which is great because I am more comrtable discussing things in english and a lot of people I know have recommended her so I think I will pay her a visit and see if I like her.
 
#26 ·
Howdy Mystic,

Just to give you some context here. We had our first when I was 40 and our second when I was 43!

In some ways you two will have a far tougher row to hoe than Ms. Spin and I, in other ways our path is more difficult.

It doesn’t matter, good people rise to the occasion – and you both will!

I agree with other Dads who’ve replied. The initial stages of the pregnancy are surreal for the man – nothing has really changed yet but you know it has.

I do think however, it best to have the Old Man involved in the process at the front end i.e., going to the Doctor and etc. It’ll make the back end a whole lot smoother because he’ll have a working relationship with the Doctor and if, God forbid, something happens (and that is precisely what happened with our first – had to go into an emergency surgery scenario with both Ms. Spin and the Little Unit) it’ll make the decisions he’ll have to make in that scenario a whole lot easier and a whole lot more thought out.

I’d recommend your telling your man as much as what I’ve just said and that advice is coming from a man who’s been there.

Aside from that that, my only other advice is two-fold: (1) There is a book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” – get it. (2) babycenter.com has some really good discussion boards for Moms and Dads too. Utilize them.

Warm regards,

- Spin



P.S. My signature line below, that was some sage advice given to me by a very wise old man when we were pregnant with our first. Write it down, share it with your husband. Contemplate it and live by it. As time has gone by in my family’s lives, its wisdom has meant more and more to me.

It is, the fundamental ingredient to good parenting IMHO.
 
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#29 ·
He said he just doesnt want to.

I have told him I will let him off but he must come to the gender ultrasound where our baby will actually look like a baby and no just a round bean and he agreed. So I guess he is slowly coming around to it.
 
#33 ·
Thank you all so much. Some of your comments made me tear up a little. Especially your post, Seasalt. Thank you!
We are excited as we are nervous. He is slowly coming around already and I can see he will be a great father.
I guess I understand how he feels, because now, apart from lots of stomach cramps, I dont feel any different and it is kind of surreal.
I will be quiet now, as this is a marriage forum, not a pregnancy one. But again, thank you all for your support and kind words!
 
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#38 ·
. . . . I will be quiet now, as this is a marriage forum, not a pregnancy one. But again, thank you all for your support and kind words!
Oh I don’t know. Pregnancy is an important time in a marriage and this is a good place to find people who care about that.

Of course, as with any discussion board, some advice and commentary is worth exactly what you paid for it i.e., NOTHING.
 
#34 ·
You're a good kiddo. You will be great! :)
 
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#39 ·
When my W and I first found out she was pregnant I was taken aback, kind of nervous and then thought what a life changer this was. My mind raced with being able to financially carrying the entire family. Over a short time the excitement grew. I attended the doctors visits. Read all the books with my W. Basically being a part of the entire pregnancy process..well..up to the point of actual birth. I was in the room but the rest was up to my W. Amazing thing what a woman's body can do.

Anyway, you said financially you are set. That is one huge thing out of the way. I think eventually the reality will set in with you H. He will go to doctor visits. Help with the babies room(paint, etc).
 
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