I really hate to say this because I think it's BS but is your wife autistic?
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When I read the definition of Autistic, some things fit.
She has problems with Social Interaction in that she doesn't take any initiative with any of her relationships.
An example would be Christmas. She will say, we should have Christmas at our house. But she won't phone her family to invite them. Until the last minute. She will complain that they never call ... but she doesn't call them either. She has never set up a date for us. We will talk about going on holidays, but it would never happen if I didn't plan it.
We have very good friends that have emailed to 'get together' and she never replies or does anything to actually 'get together'. She has friends that call and leave messages to do things with her, and she will often not return the calls.
The friends she has are 'pushy' people. They call her and set up 'dates' to go shopping together, etc. She doesn't have to call them. She has a routine where she goes to exercise classes with the same group of people all the time. She likes this because it is pre-arranged. She doesn't have to 'ask' someone to go. Same with a team she is part of.
Again, the weird thing, is that once she is in a social atmosphere, she is very likable. People are attracted to her, because she is a very good listener. She is very kind and patient with everyone. But she will often come home after being out and complain how the other person only talked about themselves and never asked her anything about our family.
Same as with affection and sex, she doesn't initiate any social interaction, but she enjoys it when it happens. But also, when it is set up, to go do something, she gets very uptight. Often she is very grumpy before going out. We are usually late, because she spends a great amount of time making sure her hair is perfect and her clothes look right.