General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello, I started seeing a MC, only 2 visits so far. (Hubby is not going).
So I realize I am presenting only half the picture, so I have been trying to present the situation as clearly as I can. In fact, I was expecting to focus more on me in the sense of what I can try or what is going to work for me in the long run....
So the MC has generally stated that men like my hubby are not uncommon and they don't change so the question is when do I leave him.
I'm a little taken aback, not that I haven't considered that unfortunate possibility but....it seems a little premature for the MC to jump to that so soon?
I'm not interested in counseling for years on end so I appreciate his frankness, but it also made me feel defensive of my husband, he's a pain and we may not make it, but....its funny to find myself mentally defending my husband.
Without knowing more details about what's going on, it's tough to say. Is he abusive? If that's the case, I can see why a marriage counselor would encourage you to leave him.
It sounds like you want to save your marriage, have you explicitly told the therapist that- if it's the case?
Sometimes there are changes you can make (like boundary and limit setting, self care) that will change the dynamics of your relationship, regardless of whether or not your husband "wants" to change. In other words, by changing your behavior, it can change his. That may be something to explore with the therapist.
"People like that don't change" sounds awful judgmental and "black and white" to me - not something I would expect to hear from a licensed therapist. But it could be contextual.
Sometimes people do change, but often there needs to be some catalyst.
I agree with what Chris H said. If he is abusive, then that may be why the marriage counselor suggested you leave him. Personally, though, I would want a second opinion. Is there another counselor you could see?? If you don't feel like this counselor is meeting your needs, then you should find someone else. If you truly want to make it work, then you need to find someone who is going to help you make it work.
He isn't abusive, I am coming to think he has some emotional issues and he seemingly has some inability to empathize and/or inherent selfishness.
Its not great, I can't sugar coat our issues but I do believe my husband wants to stay married. My husband also seems to be trying lately, small stuff but it is out of character for him ....
I did say I want to make this marriage work but I was expecting to get help along the lines of what Chris H described.
Thanks for the input, I think I will get a second opinion and go from there.
The first time I went to individual counseling--because my H was no longer willing to really *work* within MC--my therapist said something that disturbed me:
"My goal is to help you become ready and able to leave him."
he qualified:
"not so that you will, but so you are empowered to make that decision for yourself and stay strong and clear-headed if you need to."
he also told me my H is unlikely to change, and that discouraged me.
I think the point was/is...the changes you can make in individual counseling are meant to help you stand on your own two feet, and not be devastated IF the marriage ends.
Still, I absolutely see why that statement bothered you.
Like you, my hope is that as I grow, my H will come to grow WITH me.
Some days that seems to be so; other days not so much.
If the overall vibe you get from this counselor is good and helpful, stick with it.
If not, look for another counselor. Posted via Mobile Device
People don't change is BS. There are a lot of stories of change on this site. I changed.
The choice your husband has is whether or not he will do it.
If you told him to chose losing you or going to MC and working on it, what would he chose. He might not have to make that decision yet, but it will probably come soon.
Even the stubborn ones will chose MC sometimes. I hope your husband choses you.
If it came down to your husband deciding to learn how to treat you better vs. losing you and he decided to chose losing you, he isn't worth keeping around. It will only get worse.
Your part is to make sure that as you come to that decision, you make the best choices and word and act as well as you can to make his decision both of you treating the other person better.
i just started individual counseling (because my wife won't go to marriage counseling). the counselor asked me what I want out of counseling and I gave her a list that had two contrary goals:
1 - how do I get back into a stable and loving relationship with my wife, and
2 - how can i leave my marriage?
the reason is because i don't really know what i can do at this point. but if you have a goal, let the counselor know.
yes, people change. but my wife is in her 50's and at that age, what you see is what you get. if your husband is in his 20's, yes he could change.
i agree that your counselor is seeing only one side. i told mine "please challenge me on everything i say. make me prove my points and views."
My counselor also knows I want my marriage to work and be good.
What he's helping me do is to respond differently to the issues that used to provoke me, and the result was havoc.
When I come in telling him about how I responded to my H, or to an issue in a way that leaves me feeling good and--lo and behold--leads my H to apologize if he was wrong, he encourages me.
His take is "people can change...IF they want to." Posted via Mobile Device
People don't change is BS. There are a lot of stories of change on this site. I changed.
Thank you. My dh DRAGGED me kicking and screaming to MC 7 years into our marriage this after begging me for years prior to that. I had emotional issues stemming from an abusive childhood. At first I just sat there doing nothing, not participating and honestly just wanted to call an attorney to be done with this.
6 months later she (the therapist) got through to me. It was a rough road to heal but heal I did. It's been 12 years now. My marriage is on solid ground and I'm happy. I still go to therapy some to maintain or when I fall off the happy wagon but still I've done a 180 from where I used to be.
So add me to the "I changed" list too. I'm a good wife now. I work hard at it and I'm committed.
Thank you all for responding, it is really helpful.
I agree that the MC should mention the possibility of ending. He asked me in the beginning if I have considered that and would be able. Fair enough question I thought. My answer is yes, painful but I have resources.
Its good to hear "success" stories. My hubby may not work on this, but if so I believe that is his choice - not that he is unable! I always think that is a cop-out.
It also struck me that the MC doesn't know me yet either...what if I am blowing things out of proportion or have a history of attention seeking?? LOL. (I don't
On my own I have been working on altering my responses as well. I realize I was setting myself up for failure expecting certain things from him.
So I have been playing a mental game where I am pretending to be just dating him again, before marriage. Back in the days where I made my own choices, did things with him as they fit, but not as a priority. Sounds selfish but its been empowering for me. Just an attempt to change the dynamic. I've been polite but firm.
This morning he actually approached me to talk about our relationship - that's a first on his end. He left today but actually suggested we start having routine discussions. We're in the very early stages but its something, a sign from him.
So I have been playing a mental game where I am pretending to be just dating him again, before marriage. Back in the days where I made my own choices, did things with him as they fit, but not as a priority. Sounds selfish but its been empowering for me. Just an attempt to change the dynamic. I've been polite but firm.
This morning he actually approached me to talk about our relationship - that's a first on his end. He left today but actually suggested we start having routine discussions. We're in the very early stages but its something, a sign from him.
This is right on.
You need to kind of "get back" to the independent person you were before he was such an all-important factor in your life.
My therapist told me to "spend time with that girl"--the confident and attractive, independent, single girl whose emotions weren't dependent on his moods.
And like your husband, mine takes notice and comes to me when he sees that "cooler" girl return.
It's not easy to maintain this dynamic, though. Last week was wonderful for us, but then we backslid a bit to familiar patterns.
But knowing we can get there, lets me know we can go there again.
Keep up that mind trick, if it changes your dynamic and empowers you. Posted via Mobile Device
Honestly, I wish I didn't have to put my single girl hat on, its not what I envisioned in my marriage. It is hard to keep up, I have to remind myself (no wedding ring is my visual reminder). When I feel myself getting upset or reacting, I look at that and remind myself.
He has done his routine lately, silent treatment, etc at some of my decisions but "single girl" sailed right through. I was a little nervous anticipating his responses but they didn't hit me like they usually do. I let him spin out, the dust settled and that was it.
It had also occurred to me, that he can throw his fits, give me the silent treatment... but what was the worst that could happen? He's going to leave me? We're headed that way anyway!
He did threaten not to come home or speak to me for a month at one point. I didn't ask why, didn't react, I just told him he should do what he needs to do.
Truth is I was relieved he wasn't coming home! Awful I know. I think I surprised him, he came home and took me out to dinner. We didn't discuss it but he was very nice, we had a fine time.
Of course you don't want to feel like you're playing games. I don't either.
I try to think of it as taking care of myself before expecting him to.
When you say he "leaves," do you mean he actually takes off for a month at a time with no contact? Posted via Mobile Device
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